A little thing like a text. Just a text saying, "why did you wake me up?" Can mean so much when you're running a fever and sicker than a dog and all alone.
It means someone cares. It means someone still loves you.
I love you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Sicker Than A Dog
I am sick. This flu has me in its grip. Tried to go in yesterday and was sent home. I must really look bad.
My entire body aches, my head feels like it will explode. I'm in the bathroom all the time. I'm living off Theraflu and water, and sometimes ibuprofen and clear pop. That's about it. I don't have any Tylenol.
I can't afford this. I can't afford to miss work. But what else can I do.
I wish to God I had someone to hold me; someone here to take care of me.
Just so I wouldn't be alone through this.
My entire body aches, my head feels like it will explode. I'm in the bathroom all the time. I'm living off Theraflu and water, and sometimes ibuprofen and clear pop. That's about it. I don't have any Tylenol.
I can't afford this. I can't afford to miss work. But what else can I do.
I wish to God I had someone to hold me; someone here to take care of me.
Just so I wouldn't be alone through this.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Them And Us
Life can really throw you for a loop sometimes. Things can be going along great--or, at least you think they are--and without warning, everything can seemingly go to hell.
The thing is, there are no guarantees in this world. And that's what trips me up most of the time.
Dealing with people is not my strong suit. They are overcome with flaws, undependable, and disappointing. I often lose sight of the fact that I am the same way. I am human, too, and I expect others to understand that while I don't understand that about themselves. Rather a vicious circle, to be honest.
I spend the majority of my time alone. Partly, my decision; partly the decision of others. I don't seem to be the first choice of company or conversation. I'm viewed as toxic. And who's fault is that? As hard as it is to accept, its mine.
For a while now--months, actually--I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to leave. Just go. Get out. Move away. Disappear. Who would notice? Who would care? I've truly gotten to the point where I believe: no one.
My son has asked why. And my only answer to him is, "Come with me." I was not all that surprised after talking to him last night that his situation is not that dissimilar to mine. We live our lives parallel. Sometimes that's frightening. Sometimes its comforting.
We both had big blow ups with our "others" at the same time last night. I called him just as he was considering calling me. What are the odds? To some, this would seem coincidence. To us, this is common.
And we talked. And we cried. And we talked some more. So many of the same topics: relationship, money, lost, confused, approaching desperation. We both wanted to be left alone. We both wanted to talk. We reached a compromise. And somehow that I'm not sure about even this morning, we talked each other down from the edge of that cliff.
And here I am in the middle of the week. I'm going to work but, with every fiber of my being, I don't want to. I want to get in the car and drive. Just drive. To where, I'm not sure. West. Maybe west. West until there is no more cold, no more snow. West until it is hot. Just west. As far away from here and the pain, the failure, the disappointment, the defeat as I can get.
But will I actually do it? No. At least, not now. Not right now. There's no money. Not even enough to pay the bills. And I can't leave my son here. And strong as he is, as capable of survival on his own--as capable as I am--we are each other's rock. Neither of us will admit it to the other or to ourselves. But this fact remains painfully true.
Our lives are parallel. So how, how in the world, could I actually run away?
The thing is, there are no guarantees in this world. And that's what trips me up most of the time.
Dealing with people is not my strong suit. They are overcome with flaws, undependable, and disappointing. I often lose sight of the fact that I am the same way. I am human, too, and I expect others to understand that while I don't understand that about themselves. Rather a vicious circle, to be honest.
I spend the majority of my time alone. Partly, my decision; partly the decision of others. I don't seem to be the first choice of company or conversation. I'm viewed as toxic. And who's fault is that? As hard as it is to accept, its mine.
For a while now--months, actually--I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to leave. Just go. Get out. Move away. Disappear. Who would notice? Who would care? I've truly gotten to the point where I believe: no one.
My son has asked why. And my only answer to him is, "Come with me." I was not all that surprised after talking to him last night that his situation is not that dissimilar to mine. We live our lives parallel. Sometimes that's frightening. Sometimes its comforting.
We both had big blow ups with our "others" at the same time last night. I called him just as he was considering calling me. What are the odds? To some, this would seem coincidence. To us, this is common.
And we talked. And we cried. And we talked some more. So many of the same topics: relationship, money, lost, confused, approaching desperation. We both wanted to be left alone. We both wanted to talk. We reached a compromise. And somehow that I'm not sure about even this morning, we talked each other down from the edge of that cliff.
And here I am in the middle of the week. I'm going to work but, with every fiber of my being, I don't want to. I want to get in the car and drive. Just drive. To where, I'm not sure. West. Maybe west. West until there is no more cold, no more snow. West until it is hot. Just west. As far away from here and the pain, the failure, the disappointment, the defeat as I can get.
But will I actually do it? No. At least, not now. Not right now. There's no money. Not even enough to pay the bills. And I can't leave my son here. And strong as he is, as capable of survival on his own--as capable as I am--we are each other's rock. Neither of us will admit it to the other or to ourselves. But this fact remains painfully true.
Our lives are parallel. So how, how in the world, could I actually run away?
Wednesday
Feeling better today. Fever broke.
Back to work.
Still a little achy but going back unless they send me home.
This check will be a short one as it is.
And I need the money.
So here I go.
Real life, don't fail me now.
Back to work.
Still a little achy but going back unless they send me home.
This check will be a short one as it is.
And I need the money.
So here I go.
Real life, don't fail me now.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sick
So now I have the flue, of all things. Nice.
It started hitting me at work around 5:30 last night and by 6:15 I was outta there. Wonderful.
Went home, took Theraful, passed out.
Today? Enitre body aches, headache, freezing to death and the heat is turned all the way up.
Tried to call in but got voice mail. Will try again later unless I get a call back.
Can I afford to take time off work? No.
Anyone around to go to the store and get more Theraflu? No.
Anyone know or care that I'm sick? No.
Call my son on his day off to help me out? Hell, no.
And that's it for my options.
The only thing left is to put myself together and go.
Real life sucks sometimes.
It started hitting me at work around 5:30 last night and by 6:15 I was outta there. Wonderful.
Went home, took Theraful, passed out.
Today? Enitre body aches, headache, freezing to death and the heat is turned all the way up.
Tried to call in but got voice mail. Will try again later unless I get a call back.
Can I afford to take time off work? No.
Anyone around to go to the store and get more Theraflu? No.
Anyone know or care that I'm sick? No.
Call my son on his day off to help me out? Hell, no.
And that's it for my options.
The only thing left is to put myself together and go.
Real life sucks sometimes.
Monday, January 16, 2012
TGIMonday
Today is Monday and its back to work. Thank God. Something else to think about.
I'm hoping for another 40-hour week. Its after 10:30a and I haven't received a "no work" call as of yet, so that's a good sign. A lot of us are wondering when (not "if") that call will come....
I'm hoping for another 40-hour week. Its after 10:30a and I haven't received a "no work" call as of yet, so that's a good sign. A lot of us are wondering when (not "if") that call will come....
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Surrender
Nothing much to say on a Sunday night. This weekend has been a study in the human mind with too much time alone. You can really make yourself believe some weird things.
But the mind, itself, doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not.
It depends on external circumstances; what the eyes see, what the ears hear.
From there, it draws its conclusions.
* * *
"Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."
The Power Of Now
But the mind, itself, doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not.
It depends on external circumstances; what the eyes see, what the ears hear.
From there, it draws its conclusions.
* * *
"Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."
The Power Of Now
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