The Definition of Irony

When the actual meaning is the exact opposite of the literal meaning.

She tells me that in order to keep her sanity, she needs this done.

I tell her that in order to keep my sanity, I need this to work.

NUMB

I feel nothing right now. Just numb.
Just.....numb.

Theft By Deception

I'm beginning to know what it feels like. You know. Letting go, even if it's against your will. It's like, at some point, your subconscious just says, "You've had enough. You can't take it anymore. I'm going to MAKE you let go of this. It's killing you."


It's the dreams. I'm dreaming again. Situations; scenarios; things and places that have happened...and will never happen. Strange dreams that make no sense, but leave me feeling drained and depressed as hell when I wake...and not knowing why. Why the hell am I so exhausted when I wake up?

It's because my brain has been thinking all night; trying to work things out; trying to keep me alive. And it sucks. It all sucks. I don't like it. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.

I trusted. I believed. I jumped in head first. And I knew better, but I still did it.

But it has turned out all wrong and I don't know what to do about it. I wake up and I feel like I'm holding on to something, but it's nothing. I'm holding on to my own delusions; my own...hopelessness.

I used to think that love conquered all. But it doesn't. It really doesn't. It takes a hell of a lot more than "love". And this love is killing me. I'm tired of fighting for it. All I do is wait. Wait. Wait...

What am I supposed to be waiting for? To finally give up? Throw in the towel? Walk away from the table with my pockets...and my soul...empty? What?

Trust. Waiting for trust.

Honesty. Waiting for honesty.

Passion, desire, want. Waiting waiting waiting for these things.

But mostly, I wait. Wait for this. Wait for that.

The confusion comes in when I realize I'm on the bottom of the list. It's when it's misunderstood that a "choice" needs to be made. There is no "choice". I just want to fit in to the puzzle. That's all. No "choices." No this or that. It was never about that.

I was there when times were bad. Real bad. I was there even when I wasn't wanted there. I still stuck it out. Is it so wrong of me? so selfish? to ask when my turn is? To ask when there's time for me?

And so, I drag myself out of bed and I'm heading to work because I have to. Just like everyone else. I'm no different than anyone else. I'm not special. I am not an exception to the rule. I know that.

And I know what's happening. What's really happening. Slowly and painfully. I know what's happening.

I know. But I still won't be ready for it. I won't.

I am still in love with her. But, by her own admission, that person no longer exists. She asks if I know how bad I hurt her sometimes. I wonder if she knows, really knows, how bad she hurts me. Or if she even cares anymore.

It was never about choosing; giving something up for something else. I just wanted to fit into the picture, that's all.

That was all.

Confusion..

I come for dinner. Dinner is good. Roast beef and potatoes. Delicious.
I am told me rings were found, and they were. I am happy. So happy.
I returned the ring given to her by her aunt which she gave to me in the interim to finding my rings.
For this, I do not understand, I am chastised.
I wanted to do the right thing; returen the ring that was given to her by her aunt. In my mind it was the right thng to do..Her aunt gave her the ring. It was not mine.
I still keep the origninal ring she gave to me four years ago. This ring means more to me than she will know.
For some reason, I have done something wrong. And I do not understand.
I returned her aunt's ring.
I thanked her for returning the rings she bought for me.
And I retain the ring she originally gave me in the beginning....
She says she is confused. Well, I am confused, as well.
Seems confusion, misunderstanding and frustration (along with migraines) runs through every attempt I make at making things right.
No more drinking. Check.
She has stopped smoking. Check.
Am I to stop smoking?
Will that make this endless cycle of being held at arm's length stop?
Will the trust ever return?
Will there be something else?
Only God knows.
Only God.

Why...

Am I crazy to be in love with you? I've done everything you've wanted and you still find reasons to push me away.
And now it's the smoking. Now I'll smell like an ashtray everytime you're around me unless I stop smoking, too. Is that what you want me to do? Stop smoking? I will if you give the word.
Is it worth it to you? Am I worth it? You're worth it to me. Do you still love me? Do you still want to be together or is this another reason why you don't think it will work?
I've done everything you've wanted. I even gave you up. You threatened a protection order if I didn't. So I gave you up agaist my will.
Then, while I'm standing in the doctor's office, you call. And you continue to find reasons not to see me; not to talk to me. You tell me how I stress you out; how I make your blood pressure go up.
I have to ask you. Why did you call me? Why did you want to thank me for giving you what you wanted? Why did you want to hear my voice? Why are you acting this way now?
Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much I want this to work? Do you know how much I hurt? Ache? Want YOU to be my lover?
Don't you feel the same way?

Why did you call me that day...?

I Am A Gambler

I live just east of Las Vegas. Just a ways east of Las Vegas. Just about 1,276 miles east of Las Vegas, as the crow flies. Not too far, really...

Ok, ok. I live a long way from Vegas, alright? But the place keeps calling me there. More the state than the city.

The heat. The lack of humidity. The climate. The unexplainable feeling -- the knowing -- that I have to be there. That I've been there before. The desert. I need to be there. Live there.

And the truth is, probably the only way I'll ever get there is in the form of ashes. And then it would take someone who cares enough to get them out there, to the desert, and set them free. (And, I suppose, hope they are not standing upwind of them when they do.)

Unless I hit the lottery, I'll live and die here in Nebraska. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I can't help feeling, though, that if I just hold on to it, not let go, keep it in sight...that somehow, someway, it will happen.

It's not the gambling, the city, the lights or the excitement. Although, all that is an amazing bonus. It's the desert. I think I'm still looking for home.

For now, it's a dream, it's a gamble, it's a long shot. I try to only bet on sure things. But if my last bet is any indication of the odds, I might be betting more than I can afford to lose. I've already lost it all.

For now, all the closer I can get? About 60 miles further east. But that's ok. It's the second best thing. And I left $100 up and comped my dinner, so I guess it was a pretty good night. Except that I did all this alone.

Should I complain about that? Yea, I guess I could. And I probably will all by myself where no one else will know it. But to the world, I will say, "Hell, yea. I had a good time. I came out ahead. I got a free dinner. And I had fun." And I'll walk away smiling. I'll just leave out the part about doing it myself.

Disappointment is part of life. But when life becomes a disappointment, I start getting worried.

One wish. Just one wish. I want a miracle. I need a miracle. But it may be too late.

It's like playing craps. One minute, your up $3,000. The next, you've lost everything. All on one role of the dice...

Awake

It's 7:30am on Wednesday, November 23rd. I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed yet.
Took my meds 3 hours ago. Nothing. Can't take anymore.
Insomnia.
My mind is racing racing racing. I should be asleep.
I feel like I'm ready for something to happen; ready to jump.
But there is nothing.
I need to lie down. I need to go to bed. I need to go to sleep.
But when I close my eyes, I see you.
When I curl up to relax, I reach for something warm; heart beating.
I reach for you.
I was so close to you last night. Only a few miles away.
Had to drive home in the fog. 50 in a 75. Lead by the white lines.
I need to sleep.
Can't block it out sometimes. It doesn't always work.
Sometimes, I can't fake it 'til I make it.
I want to fall asleep. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I want to curl up next to you on your shoulder, feel your warmth,
And go to sleep....

Ly

I wanted to write something tonight.
But, for once...
I have nothing to say.
Nothing.
Except...
I Love You...

"I Want"

I'm tired.
So tired.
And not really making much sense.
As long as I can stay one step ahead of the men in the white coats
I should be ok.
But I'm afraid they many catch up with me eventually.
And I'm too tired to run anymore.

"I want".
Something someone used to say to me.
I want, too.
I want to see you.
It's been two weeks.
I don't want to wait another two weeks.

I want the dream.

Fail

I made it all the way to pick up my bipolar supervisor.
I made it all the way downtown to the job.
I made it all the way through the "walk through" (to see if outside doors are locked, etc.)
And then.
Then I couldn't do anymore.
I sat there on my ass and let her check first floor by herself.
And then.
Then I checked out and went home.
I will be paid for one hour tonight.
One hour.
$8.00.
Why do I try?
Why??
It isn't worth it. None of it is worth it.
And so, I am home tonight.
And that is dangerous.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of failing.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired...just tired...
Fail.
Game Over.

Nothing.....Again

I have no energy today.
No desire to do anything at all.
Nothing I planned to do this weekend was done.
I don't want to go to that shitty little job that doesn't pay enough to survive because it's the only place that would hire me.
Nope.
No desire at all.
I feel like calling in and telling them they suck, their job sucks, and I'm slowly starving to death and will eventually lose my house.
Because the dude that calls himself the boss is a jerk.
He keeps all the money, all the bonuses for himself.
A jerk.
But, to do that would be dangerous for myself.
Very, very dangerous.
Because then I would be left with no job at all.
And I ask you, how would that look on a resume'?
Yep. I'm pretty much fucked. Totally.
So, I reluctantly get ready to go to a job I hate.
I reluctantly go to pick up my bipolar supervisor because she hasn't had a car that runs for weeks.
I hate this job.
I hate my life at the moment.
I try to have faith that things will get better.
And when they finally do, you'll see *happy* posts from me.
But until that times comes, what you'll get
Is the truth.
At this moment:
FML

The Lunatic

Well, I overslept today. The moon is already beginning to take it's tole on me. Insomnia.
That is how my day started.

I fell asleep, finally, at 6:30 this morning. I fell asleep praying. It took more of my meds than usual to pass out. And I know that's why I didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon. Thank God, I don't have to be at work until 6:00pm.

I am fighting the huge lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. And if I'm not fully medicated the entire time I'm awake, it comes back.

I have the added symptom of my heart aching. That is the part that's killing me. This happened once before, around the time of my birthday. I thought I was having a small stroke -- all the symptoms were there. I thought I was dying.

So logically, I know these are the old familiar symptoms, back again. Emotionally, I'm dying. Hard as I try, I can't convince myself that I'm not. I know my body will live on, but inside, I will die.

I can fight off this feeling as long as I am heavily medicated and am doing something, like going to work. Although, that's a struggle. It's the last place I want to be, but I know that if I stay home, I will have more time on my hands to think. And thinking is what is doing me in.

I can't be where I want to be. That is impossible. And the fear that I will never be there, where I want to be, again, is a knife through my heart.

I have to leave for work soon; all my pets are fed, I'm dressed, all is ready. Except me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this night.

The moon was beautiful on the way home yesterday. And becomming more full by the night. Soon, it will be full. And by that time, I will be quite sleep deprived. I can't sleep during the full moon. Back in the day, they called this type of person a "lunatic".

It was ok with me at one time. I had someone to share those waking hours with; someone who understood the effect the moon has on some people. I don't have that anymore. I'm left with only myself for comfort and that is a dangerous thing. A very dangerous thing because, well, I don't like myself very much at the moment. I don't really care that I can't sleep. And I can give myself no solace regarding it.

And so, I do the only thing I know how to do anymore...I pray. I pray for God's will to be done. But I also pray, shelfishly, for myself. I pray that what I want to be done. But I must remember to add that only if it is His will for me...for all concerned.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Only God knows how hard this is. This is not me; patience, waiting, staying calm, hoping for the best. These things are not me.

So many things, everything, it seems, have gone wrong in my life. Everything I touch has turned to dust in my hands.

And so, I go to work. It's Friday. I can spend most of the evening alone if I try. Only at breaks do I need to talk and socialize with another person.

But all I can do is think about someone else. Someone who is far far away. Not only in miles, but in others ways, as well. And I am afraid, so afraid, that they will stay that way.

If You Love Someone.....

I pray...

I pray when I go to bed.

I pray when I wake up.

I pray while I'm driving.

I pray while I'm at work.

I pray all the way home.

I pray when I check my email.

I pray all night.

"If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back, they are your's...

...and if they don't...

...they never were..."

I pray that I am wrong about my worst, most horrible fear....I pray.

And I pray...

Something About You...

I miss you. I love you. You are always on my mind and in my heart...

Guts On The Floor

I don't understand what happened tonight..I just don't..
I don't understand why just talking to me makes you so angry.

I said, "I'll keep my mouth shut and not tell you how I feel anymore.." and you broke in with, "And I won't tell you anything..." Anything what? What are you doing?

I mean, Toni, I was trying to work up to telling you I miss you, if you had let me finish.

I said that I understood that you've been sick. And you've told me before that you're tired all the time, and I understand that.

What I don't understand is why you feel like you need to defend yourself all the time. I'm sure you don't treat other people who you love and miss like that...

I've lost two rabbits that I loved very very much in the space of four months. I haven't even let myself grieve over Sunshine yet..It's tearing me apart.

I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay me enough to live. I continue to apply everywhere and still have no luck.

I talked to the woman at S.O.S. today and asked her if they gave her any reason why they turned me down after the interview on Friday. She said she had no idea and was as surprized as me.

It went so well; I was perfectly qualified for the position; it would have paid me enough to survive. Yes, it was only a temp postition, but it would have run for at least 8 months.

Eight months with my foot in the door at the State. I could have found something posted internally there in that amount of time. But no. Rejected again.

Do you realize that you are the only person in the world that still means anything to me? Do you know how badly I want to hear the soft words, to hold you, to feel safe in your arms, to know you and I trust each other?

Why do you keep me at arm's length, Toni? Why?

Why do you talk about seeing me here as "going home"? Why do you do wonderful things for me like cutting down that stupid tree? Why do you worry that your little tree is still growing?

Then why do you turn around and act like I'm the worst person you've ever met and can never forgive me? Why do you go back and forth like that?

Why do you shut the phone off and go to bed? But then, when I ask for time, you get angry?

Toni, I don't want time. I just want you. Why can't I have you anymore?

What aren't you telling me?

I realized something tonight after you hung up on me. You're not in love with me anymore. You may still love me. But that feeling, the man I knew, is gone. And I still am in love with him.

Please tell me I'm wrong about this. Please don't respond with anger.

Nothing.....

I've been wanting to write something. But there's nothing there. Empty. Void.
I have thoughts, but can't get them out of me. They're stuck.
Inside. Rotting.

I listened again to the song I posted the other day.
I suppose it says it best.

Someone else's words.
Someone else's thoughts.
Yea.
I have nothing left worth offering...

*********************************


The dawn is breaking.
A light shining through...
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you....

I'm open, you're closed.
Where I follow, you'll go.
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again...

Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind.
I somehow find, you and I collide.....

I'm quiet, you know.
You make a first impression.
I find I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind.

Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fill my mind.
I somehow find, you and I collide....

Don't stop here.
I lost my place.
I'm close behind....

Two Worlds Collide

How do you apologize to someone who can't hear you?
How do you tell them you've changed in every way possible?
How do you hope they, make them like you sober?

How do you make them fall in love with you all over again?

How do you say you're sorry...

Broken Part Two....

I am not.
I am not what other people think I am.
I am not what they want, hope, me to be.
It is fine until.
Until they get to know me.
Then they see my shortcomings.
My flaws.
My humaness (I know that's not a word).
My brokeness.
I want you, you know.
Want to be with you.
I want to trust you.
Am beginning to.
Do you know?
Your answer is, "No. No I don't."
I don't know what to do with that because
I know I can't change your mind.
Only you can.
I am broken.
I want someone to fix me.
I believe they can.
But that.
That is not true.
Only I can fix it.
And I don't know how.
I miss you.
I ache for you.
But you stand there.
Waiting to believe.
What are you waiting for?
Who are you waiting for?
Myself?
Or you?
ILY, you know.
With all my heart.
LY.....

Adrift in REM

I had a dream Thursday night and I've been meaning to write it down.
Now, I don't dream often -- or, at least, remember them.

Adrift in REM

I was hanging on. Everything was rocking.
Water all around me. And fog.
I held on until my knuckles were white.
I held on until my hands were numb.
Then something pushed my hands off;
It slipped under my fingers and pushed.

I went down.
Pressure.
Darkness all around me.
And I couldn't breath.

I pushed. I kicked. Suddenly, air.
I gasped. Nothing. Only fog.
A small patch of the fog cleared and I grabbed.

But it was different.
The same, but different.

My entire body jumped and I was awake.
And confused. And short of breath. A little scared.

I didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Broken

Sometimes I feel disappointed that no one reads these things except myself and one other person.
Other times, I guess it's not so bad. I'm kinda glad in some ways. Some of the stuff I type out is just plain crazy.
Does anyone else out there in cyber space read these? Anyone???
So anyway. I've been having another one of those bouts when I just don't feel so damn good. At all. About anything.
I have all these blessings around me and all I can feel is depressed.
Today I feel the clouds lifting a bit...but still, there is this feeling that something isn't quite right. And I don't know what it is. That's why it bothers me so much.
I'm trying to fix something that's been broken for a long time. And I don't know if it can be fixed. Or if it will be anything remotely resembling what it once was if it is fixed.
It reminds me of a statue I have. It's a horse. Just a ceramic statue that I bought at a garage sale a long long time ago.
Now, that statue has been with me through three moves.
Each time, I carefully wrapped it and carried it myself from place to place.
I wanted to be sure it didn't break. It means that much to me.
When I finally got to my last place, I set it in the living room, and there is was. My beautiful statue that made it through three moves without a scratch.
Now it sits with it's front legs glued on. It has been knocked over and broken twice.
When I look at it, I see it, in all it's glory, looking as beautiful as ever. But my heart sinks everytime I look at it now. It's front legs are broken. It is not the same.
It still brings me joy, but sadness, too, at the same time.
It stands there so brave and looking so proud. And so crippled.
There are times I feel it would be better if I just left things be. Maybe that's how they are supposed to be now. I can't recapture the past and bring it back to the present. That's just impossible.
If looking at old pictures and remembering old memories could do it, I would have it all back the way it was. But that's not going to happen.
And the more I try to do that, the more my sanity slips away; the more I forget to concentrate on the present and what I need to do now to ensure my future, even though it's not as I had pictured it. It's still mine, and it's all I have, like it or not.
And no one can change it for me. It has to be me.
I have the feeling that there is something I need to do. And I need to do it alone, no matter how afraid knowing that makes me feel.
That means I need to let go of some things. And I don't want to. I'm afraid.
But I know that if I don't, it will impair other things that need to happen; other people -- some I don't even know this is affecting -- from things they need to do. On their own. Alone.
Fear is what stops me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I think I know. Fear of making yet another mistake.
My life seems to be full of mistakes. I know I have some victories in there. But those mistakes. Those damn mistakes seem to stick out so much.
I don't want to live my life afraid. I don't what to live my life never trusting anyone ever again.
I want to be happy. I want this heaviness to go away.
Things are changing and I'm not. I need to change with them.
I need to change.
I need to look at my broken horse and learn to smile. It's still there. It's still being brave. In spite of the fact that it will forever be crippled, it still stands tall.

Real Life - Send Me An Angel (1983)

Destroyed

I have a million things rolling around inside of me.
A million things I want to say.
I don't even know where to begin.
I am empty.
I've given her exactly what she wants.
She's gotten exactly what she wants.
She wins.
But, more importantly, I lose.
Now she can honestly say this was my decision.
The responsibility is no longer her's.
She's tried to do this a thousand times before.
But I always fought it.
Why?
Because I know "time" does not make the heart grow fonder.
It makes you forget.
It gives you time to forget.
And I didn't want her to forget.
I can't fight her anymore.
She got what she wanted.
She calls it "time".
I call it something else.

You know exactly what you're doing.
You have no problem with giving me "time".
Days...weeks...months...
You know exactly what you're doing.

Politics

So here I am. A place to write and I don't even know what to say. Don't even know where to begin.
I'm supposed to talk about current events, politics. Because that's what I used to do. That's why she fell in love with me.
Ok.
Obama is still a jerk. He's still destroying our country. And now he's desperate because he knows he won't get re-elected. he's fucked up too much. Even the libs and the media have turned against him. About time they woke up.
So now he's done a complete turn-around and no one believes him. He's still full of shit. There are no jobs. And he's still doing nothing to create them. Just talk.
And then there's the whole pipeline debacle. Looks like they're forcing that no matter what anyone thinks about it.
A whole lot of people stand to make a whole lot of money from it, so it's going to happen. Period.
They've even ingratiated themselve's to UNL by sponsoring the Huskers. Isn't that nice? Go Big Red and all that...
Ok? Is that enough?
The reason I don't talk about politics and current events is because that's not what is important to me at the moment, believe it or not.
What is important to me at the moment is the politics of love.
What is important to me right now is my relationship with someone I still love very much. All I care about is fixing that. Having her look at me in a way she hasn't for a very very long time. Touching each other again in a way that makes us both forget the world. That's what is important to me right now.
I'm selfish.
I don't care about anything else at the moment. They could push the button and blow the whole damn world up and I wouldn't care.
Crazy? Yea. But so is this:
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That is the definition of "crazy".
I saw her tonight. I asked her to put my pop in the freezer for a little while because it had gotten warm on the drive up. Twenty minutes later I went to the freezer to get it and she has liquor in the freezer. Delicious liquor.
Hypocrite.
So when I get back into town I decide to stop at the liquor store on the way home. I mean, I could use a drink tonight.
I walk through the door and hear the loudest beep I've ever heard. The two guys behind the counter just look at each other.
They blew a breaker. Just the one that runs the cash registers. The lights are fine; the background music is still playing; all the coolers are lit and running.
Just the cash registers are down. They can't sell anything at the moment.
The second I walked through the door, they blew the breaker to their registers. Amazing.
I left and went home.
God works in very very VERY mysterious ways. VERY mysterious.
Sometimes he gets right up in your face.
Sometimes he saves your life.
So, my record is still clean. And in November it will have been a year. That, in itself, is a miracle. And what happened tonight is only further proof that I haven't done it alone. No person on this earth could have helped me. Not even myself.
I'm thinking of creating a new site here, again. As far as I know, there is only one person in cyber space that reads my blogs. And I'm willing to bet she has a headache after reading this one.
I hope she's got something for her migrane. What I wouldn't give for some good drugs, myself. My head hurts so bad at the moment. Ibuprofen isn't going to cut this. And my meds just put me to sleep. Boring.
So there's my blog about politics. But when you think about it, isn't everything politics really? Isn't everything a negotiation? Isn't it always about what you bring to the table?
I can handle all that life throws at me. But this, this I am having difficulty with.

Pain

My head hurts. Bad.
All I want is to get through this night at work. That's all.
She says she feels like I don't really want to be with her.
That's wrong.
I want to be an equal. I have a brain and I want to be allowed to use it.
I can't feel like I'm letting someone tell me how to live my life; "How it's gonna be."
Been there. Done that.
She doesn't want to feel like someone is telling her what to do.
She's been there, too. She's done that, too.
We are both strong-willed and capable of leading our own lives.
We don't need anyone.
But we both want someone.
Who doesn't?
I say I don't know what to do.
Her blood pressure goes up.
I make her sick.
And it makes me sick knowing this.
Why is this hard? What is wrong?
What are we doing wrong?

Show Me What I'm Looking For.....

By: Carolina Liar
Release date: 2008
*****************


Wait, I'm wrong.
Should have done better than this.
Please, I'll be strong.
I'm finding it hard to resist.
So, show me what I'm looking for.

Save me, I'm lost.
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.
Show me what I'm looking for, oh Lord.

Don't let go.
I've wanted this far too long.
Mistakes become regrets.
I've learned to love abuse.
Please, show me what I'm looking for.

Save me, I'm lost.
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.
Show me what I'm looking for, oh Lord.

Wait. I'm wrong.
I can't do better than this.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.

Show me what I'm looking for......

Burning The Candle...

...at both ends. That's what I feel like I've been doing.

For that past three weeks I've worked two jobs. Something I've never done before.

I worked 7:30a to 4:00p at the Nebraska State Peneteniary (NSP) and also at the Lincoln Correctional Center (LCC) as a temp.

I also kept my full time job as a cleaning lady (sigh..) and dropped those hours from full time down to part time to accomodate the temporary fulltime job. Tonight, I'll be going back full time to the night job.

I didn't think 60 hours a week would be so bad, but it was (half smiling to self). Thank goodness I had a good friend who was willing to give me a "wake up call" every morning at 5:00a.

That call was the only thing that stood between my sleeping through the alarm, and not. So, thank you to that friend. They saved my job.

Meanwhile, I continue my hunt for a permanent full time job that will pay the bills. So, while I can exhale from not having two jobs at the moment, the possibility of that happening again in the near future is very possible.

I continue to try to get on with the State; I applied for three more open positions with them today. I also am watching the listings for the hospitals in town. Maybe I can get my foot in the door with one of them.

At any rate, I seem to be doing things and surviving situations that I would have never thought possible even a few months ago. But somehow, I am doing it.

I know it's not just by the force of my own will; I'm not strong enough nor am I arrogant enough to believe that.

I know there's something bigger keeping me going; making me do things I didn't think I could do; helping me survive situations I didn't think I could survive.

And so, to that force, I say thank you, as well. I know that you exist and that you see everything. Up to and including what people write on the internet.

Thank you, God. I love you.

Anticipation

I'm going to see someone today that I haven't seen in a very long time.
Hope all goes well.......

Unwanted

All I want is for her to talk to me the way she used to.
All I want is for her to look at me the way she used to, if I ever see her again.
All I want is for her to tell me everything will be ok, that she loves me, that I mean everything to her...like she used to.
I try so hard. So very very hard. Yet, it's not good enough.
We talk about things I've done to hurt her and she needs space.
I try to talk about things she's done to hurt me and I might need some space.
But it's treated like its different. How is it different? I don't understand.
I need to know how it is different.
I called in today. I can't even go to work.
She is the first thing on my mind today when I wake up. I want to hear her voice.
She told me to text when I wanted to talk. Now I can't reach her. She's at work. Her phone's shut off.
I read all the things she wrote last night and it cuts like a knife.
She calls me a mistake. She calls the whole thing a mistake.
My whole life has been a mistake. Is this a mistake, too?
I find one person who I think I can trust; just one person to stick it out with me for the rest of our lives.
Just one person who won't walk away from me in the end.
No, I don't need this to survive, but I need this to live.
I love my pets. I wouldn't leave them for the world. I know that.
But I want her, too. I need her to live. I don't want to merely survive.
Why does that make me weak in her eyes?
Why does that make me not good enough?
Why, why does that make me a mistake?
She says she is a gambler. I've always known that.
Why is she cashing in her chips? Why is she walking away from the table?
Am I not worth it to her?
Why have I never been worth it to anyone?
I don't want to live my life alone. I want her.
I want her back.
Please talk to me the way you used to. Please tell me I can trust you and everything will be ok.
Please be different from everyone I've ever known.
Please don't let me be wrong about this, too.
I've been wrong all my life.
One time I thought I was right.
I closed my eyes and jumped, relying on only blind faith; something I've never done before.
And I hit the ground.
Why?
I only want things the way they used to be. I want her to look at me the way she used to. I want to hear the softness in her voice.
I want to feel the safety and warmth I'd never felt before her.
I'm standing in the desert. Alone. Screaming her name. Looking for her everywhere.
Silence.
Where is she? Come back. Come back.
Why this desperation?
Is it weakness to depend on another person?
Is it weakness to need someone?
Then I am weak. I am weak and worthless.
The harder I try, the more I fail.
I only want to love and be loved.
It's all I've ever wanted; all I've ever searched for.
What is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?
Why does no one look past the pain in my eyes and see me?
Why....?

I Give Up

I give up.
I can't read what she writes anymore.
It cuts too deep.
So I was a mistake.
She is right but more importantly, I am wrong.

I am a mistake.

I'm afraid I won't even be able to come here anymore.
I don't think I can bear to read what she writes.

There's nowhere left to run.

And The Sparrows Have Water

It's a hot day; triple digits, they say; too hot to be out. I have to be to work later.

I clean out the birdbath and fill it with coolness. As I walk away I turn to look back. A little female is already there. And the sparrows have water.

The grass looks at me with longing, turning brown. The tomato plants ask If I'll spray them today or wait until tomorrow. I promise them tomorrow. And the sparrows have water.

I can't sleep at night without medication; can't wake up without coffee and allergy pills to "fill in" for medication. I'm awake and feel dull. Life is out there waiting for me. And the sparrows have water.

I go to the store, buy food for my pets; they have all they need. I buy cans of tuna for myself. They have no idea things are this tight. I don't want them to. And the sparrows have water.

I stay up as late as I possibly can after work so I can sleep, if nothing else, from exhaustion. I get up in the morning and feel the familiar drain. One foot in front of the other. And the sparrows have water.

I walk out to the yard, look around myself, and look at the birdbath. Empty again. They drank it all. I reach for the hose, fill the bowl with coolness. And the sparrows have water.

I wonder when the day will come that I don't feel like this. I wonder when the day will come that I am me again. I wonder when I will have "water".

In the meantime, the only thing I feel control over, I do.

The sparrows have water.

Waking Dreams

So what do you do when there is this faint, far off glimmer of light?
You're at the far end of a tunnel, like someone in a coma, and you hear this faint voice...calling your name.
What do you do?
Or when you wake from a dream? I dream so rarely, or at least remember them so rarely.
Have you ever had a dream and then woken up and wondered -- was it real?
Have you ever dreamt about someone and wondered, "Was that real? Was I really there with them? Did they have the same dream? Or was it all in my mind?"
Yea, I wonder that a lot. And lately, during my waking hours as well. That's what's scary.
I help clean an office building downtown; the north side is all glass. And in the evenings, I will sometimes stand there and stare off to the northeast.
There is a town some fifty miles away. There is someone there that I miss very much.
Several weeks ago, I wondered to myself, if I think really hard, if I concentrate really really hard...will they hear me? Will they feel me? Will they know I'm thinking about them? Will they answer me.
And so, I started doing it.
Either I know the answer to that question now, or it's a coincidence.
But then, I once heard someone say "There are no coincidences."

Life Is Strange

How is it that life, things, everything around you can change in the blink of an eye? Miracles happen every day, you know. Things you never thought possible can happen. And suddenly, you get a second chance. And what do you do with it? Run? Stay? You try. Because you only live once. That's it. Just once. And you need to live while you're alive. So, I will live. And love. And hope. And....Beleive.

You Can Only Control Yourself

It's a flaw (or characteristic, if you prefer) of everyone walking this earth: Pride, Control of one's own life, Control over others' lives. Yea. We all want to do that. Because we are only human. And in the end, the smart ones figure out the only one you can control...is yourself. Reactions to what people say; what people do; that's all up to you. You can't control what they think; what they decide. It's their life, after all. And besides, how much would you like it if someone were trying to do that to you? Even if that someone loved you? You'd pull away even further, wouldn't you? Two people can walk into the same situation and come out with totally different viewpoints on the matter. Funny how that works. But it's all about choice. It's all about choice. And what happens when you don't know how to make the choice? What happens when you really don't know what to do? What happens when everything around you says "It's gone now"? What happens when everyone around you says "It's gone now"? What happens when your head, your gut, your intellect says "You know, they're right, and you know it, too". What happens when your heart, your emotions, your promise to stick it out through thick and thin disagrees with logic? What happens when a promise falls through? Who are we really upset with? Who are we really disappointed with and abandoned by? Them?...Or our own self? Therein lies the problem. Do we try to "logic" ourselves out of things? Is that how it works? Do we just go around looking at everything we don't want to deal with and say "I don't give a shit?" Isn't that why people get divorced? And how to we do that without becoming rock hard and cold? How does anyone ever get through our own self-built walls again? "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything at all and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." ~ C. S. Lewis I don't want to end up like that. I don't want Mr. Lewis to be right. I was like that a long long time ago. I told myself being alone is fine. This is good. As good as it gets. I'll settle for this. And I would get lonely. I had my little hobbies and luxuries to keep my mind busy. But always, in the back of my mind, want this constant nagging: But You Are Alone. Humans are social creatures. Even the most private and introverted of us long, crave, hope for someone to confide in; someone to trust; someone to hold; someone to get old with. We hold out the belief that there is someone out there; someone just for us. And then we turn around and break down that hope with lies; with logic. We exist. We do not live. We merely exist. We stop looking. We stop hoping. We just exist. And then, one day, someone appears out of the blue. Unexpected. It's like a whirlwind. And then they are gone. And you don't realize what just happened to you until they are gone. I know this is the way of life; the craving of the soul. And no, I do not believe "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I think that is pure BS. To be left alone, still loving; still wanting someone who doesn't want you: that's cruel. To have changed your life (for yourself, of course) to be better for them and then to have all your hopes, all your dreams dashed: that's cruel. And I don't understand it. One time in my life. ONE. I gave it my all. I tried harder than I had ever tried before. I believed on faith alone that this was it. Now it's gone. But for me, it's not. Because I gave it everything I had. And they still have; still own a part of my soul. And part of me is dying... So it all comes back to the fact that you can't control what other people do. You can only control yourself. You either choose to love, or you choose not to love. Or you will die. And I can't choose to not love this person I miss. I can't choose to move on, as they say. I can't choose to forget. And I don't want C. S. Lewis to be right....