I Am A Gambler

I live just east of Las Vegas. Just a ways east of Las Vegas. Just about 1,276 miles east of Las Vegas, as the crow flies. Not too far, really...

Ok, ok. I live a long way from Vegas, alright? But the place keeps calling me there. More the state than the city.

The heat. The lack of humidity. The climate. The unexplainable feeling -- the knowing -- that I have to be there. That I've been there before. The desert. I need to be there. Live there.

And the truth is, probably the only way I'll ever get there is in the form of ashes. And then it would take someone who cares enough to get them out there, to the desert, and set them free. (And, I suppose, hope they are not standing upwind of them when they do.)

Unless I hit the lottery, I'll live and die here in Nebraska. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I can't help feeling, though, that if I just hold on to it, not let go, keep it in sight...that somehow, someway, it will happen.

It's not the gambling, the city, the lights or the excitement. Although, all that is an amazing bonus. It's the desert. I think I'm still looking for home.

For now, it's a dream, it's a gamble, it's a long shot. I try to only bet on sure things. But if my last bet is any indication of the odds, I might be betting more than I can afford to lose. I've already lost it all.

For now, all the closer I can get? About 60 miles further east. But that's ok. It's the second best thing. And I left $100 up and comped my dinner, so I guess it was a pretty good night. Except that I did all this alone.

Should I complain about that? Yea, I guess I could. And I probably will all by myself where no one else will know it. But to the world, I will say, "Hell, yea. I had a good time. I came out ahead. I got a free dinner. And I had fun." And I'll walk away smiling. I'll just leave out the part about doing it myself.

Disappointment is part of life. But when life becomes a disappointment, I start getting worried.

One wish. Just one wish. I want a miracle. I need a miracle. But it may be too late.

It's like playing craps. One minute, your up $3,000. The next, you've lost everything. All on one role of the dice...

Awake

It's 7:30am on Wednesday, November 23rd. I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed yet.
Took my meds 3 hours ago. Nothing. Can't take anymore.
Insomnia.
My mind is racing racing racing. I should be asleep.
I feel like I'm ready for something to happen; ready to jump.
But there is nothing.
I need to lie down. I need to go to bed. I need to go to sleep.
But when I close my eyes, I see you.
When I curl up to relax, I reach for something warm; heart beating.
I reach for you.
I was so close to you last night. Only a few miles away.
Had to drive home in the fog. 50 in a 75. Lead by the white lines.
I need to sleep.
Can't block it out sometimes. It doesn't always work.
Sometimes, I can't fake it 'til I make it.
I want to fall asleep. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I want to curl up next to you on your shoulder, feel your warmth,
And go to sleep....

Ly

I wanted to write something tonight.
But, for once...
I have nothing to say.
Nothing.
Except...
I Love You...