Anticipation

I'm going to see someone today that I haven't seen in a very long time.
Hope all goes well.......

Unwanted

All I want is for her to talk to me the way she used to.
All I want is for her to look at me the way she used to, if I ever see her again.
All I want is for her to tell me everything will be ok, that she loves me, that I mean everything to her...like she used to.
I try so hard. So very very hard. Yet, it's not good enough.
We talk about things I've done to hurt her and she needs space.
I try to talk about things she's done to hurt me and I might need some space.
But it's treated like its different. How is it different? I don't understand.
I need to know how it is different.
I called in today. I can't even go to work.
She is the first thing on my mind today when I wake up. I want to hear her voice.
She told me to text when I wanted to talk. Now I can't reach her. She's at work. Her phone's shut off.
I read all the things she wrote last night and it cuts like a knife.
She calls me a mistake. She calls the whole thing a mistake.
My whole life has been a mistake. Is this a mistake, too?
I find one person who I think I can trust; just one person to stick it out with me for the rest of our lives.
Just one person who won't walk away from me in the end.
No, I don't need this to survive, but I need this to live.
I love my pets. I wouldn't leave them for the world. I know that.
But I want her, too. I need her to live. I don't want to merely survive.
Why does that make me weak in her eyes?
Why does that make me not good enough?
Why, why does that make me a mistake?
She says she is a gambler. I've always known that.
Why is she cashing in her chips? Why is she walking away from the table?
Am I not worth it to her?
Why have I never been worth it to anyone?
I don't want to live my life alone. I want her.
I want her back.
Please talk to me the way you used to. Please tell me I can trust you and everything will be ok.
Please be different from everyone I've ever known.
Please don't let me be wrong about this, too.
I've been wrong all my life.
One time I thought I was right.
I closed my eyes and jumped, relying on only blind faith; something I've never done before.
And I hit the ground.
Why?
I only want things the way they used to be. I want her to look at me the way she used to. I want to hear the softness in her voice.
I want to feel the safety and warmth I'd never felt before her.
I'm standing in the desert. Alone. Screaming her name. Looking for her everywhere.
Silence.
Where is she? Come back. Come back.
Why this desperation?
Is it weakness to depend on another person?
Is it weakness to need someone?
Then I am weak. I am weak and worthless.
The harder I try, the more I fail.
I only want to love and be loved.
It's all I've ever wanted; all I've ever searched for.
What is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?
Why does no one look past the pain in my eyes and see me?
Why....?

I Give Up

I give up.
I can't read what she writes anymore.
It cuts too deep.
So I was a mistake.
She is right but more importantly, I am wrong.

I am a mistake.

I'm afraid I won't even be able to come here anymore.
I don't think I can bear to read what she writes.

There's nowhere left to run.

And The Sparrows Have Water

It's a hot day; triple digits, they say; too hot to be out. I have to be to work later.

I clean out the birdbath and fill it with coolness. As I walk away I turn to look back. A little female is already there. And the sparrows have water.

The grass looks at me with longing, turning brown. The tomato plants ask If I'll spray them today or wait until tomorrow. I promise them tomorrow. And the sparrows have water.

I can't sleep at night without medication; can't wake up without coffee and allergy pills to "fill in" for medication. I'm awake and feel dull. Life is out there waiting for me. And the sparrows have water.

I go to the store, buy food for my pets; they have all they need. I buy cans of tuna for myself. They have no idea things are this tight. I don't want them to. And the sparrows have water.

I stay up as late as I possibly can after work so I can sleep, if nothing else, from exhaustion. I get up in the morning and feel the familiar drain. One foot in front of the other. And the sparrows have water.

I walk out to the yard, look around myself, and look at the birdbath. Empty again. They drank it all. I reach for the hose, fill the bowl with coolness. And the sparrows have water.

I wonder when the day will come that I don't feel like this. I wonder when the day will come that I am me again. I wonder when I will have "water".

In the meantime, the only thing I feel control over, I do.

The sparrows have water.

Waking Dreams

So what do you do when there is this faint, far off glimmer of light?
You're at the far end of a tunnel, like someone in a coma, and you hear this faint voice...calling your name.
What do you do?
Or when you wake from a dream? I dream so rarely, or at least remember them so rarely.
Have you ever had a dream and then woken up and wondered -- was it real?
Have you ever dreamt about someone and wondered, "Was that real? Was I really there with them? Did they have the same dream? Or was it all in my mind?"
Yea, I wonder that a lot. And lately, during my waking hours as well. That's what's scary.
I help clean an office building downtown; the north side is all glass. And in the evenings, I will sometimes stand there and stare off to the northeast.
There is a town some fifty miles away. There is someone there that I miss very much.
Several weeks ago, I wondered to myself, if I think really hard, if I concentrate really really hard...will they hear me? Will they feel me? Will they know I'm thinking about them? Will they answer me.
And so, I started doing it.
Either I know the answer to that question now, or it's a coincidence.
But then, I once heard someone say "There are no coincidences."