Unwanted

All I want is for her to talk to me the way she used to.
All I want is for her to look at me the way she used to, if I ever see her again.
All I want is for her to tell me everything will be ok, that she loves me, that I mean everything to her...like she used to.
I try so hard. So very very hard. Yet, it's not good enough.
We talk about things I've done to hurt her and she needs space.
I try to talk about things she's done to hurt me and I might need some space.
But it's treated like its different. How is it different? I don't understand.
I need to know how it is different.
I called in today. I can't even go to work.
She is the first thing on my mind today when I wake up. I want to hear her voice.
She told me to text when I wanted to talk. Now I can't reach her. She's at work. Her phone's shut off.
I read all the things she wrote last night and it cuts like a knife.
She calls me a mistake. She calls the whole thing a mistake.
My whole life has been a mistake. Is this a mistake, too?
I find one person who I think I can trust; just one person to stick it out with me for the rest of our lives.
Just one person who won't walk away from me in the end.
No, I don't need this to survive, but I need this to live.
I love my pets. I wouldn't leave them for the world. I know that.
But I want her, too. I need her to live. I don't want to merely survive.
Why does that make me weak in her eyes?
Why does that make me not good enough?
Why, why does that make me a mistake?
She says she is a gambler. I've always known that.
Why is she cashing in her chips? Why is she walking away from the table?
Am I not worth it to her?
Why have I never been worth it to anyone?
I don't want to live my life alone. I want her.
I want her back.
Please talk to me the way you used to. Please tell me I can trust you and everything will be ok.
Please be different from everyone I've ever known.
Please don't let me be wrong about this, too.
I've been wrong all my life.
One time I thought I was right.
I closed my eyes and jumped, relying on only blind faith; something I've never done before.
And I hit the ground.
Why?
I only want things the way they used to be. I want her to look at me the way she used to. I want to hear the softness in her voice.
I want to feel the safety and warmth I'd never felt before her.
I'm standing in the desert. Alone. Screaming her name. Looking for her everywhere.
Silence.
Where is she? Come back. Come back.
Why this desperation?
Is it weakness to depend on another person?
Is it weakness to need someone?
Then I am weak. I am weak and worthless.
The harder I try, the more I fail.
I only want to love and be loved.
It's all I've ever wanted; all I've ever searched for.
What is wrong with me? Why am I unlovable?
Why does no one look past the pain in my eyes and see me?
Why....?