Pain

My head hurts. Bad.
All I want is to get through this night at work. That's all.
She says she feels like I don't really want to be with her.
That's wrong.
I want to be an equal. I have a brain and I want to be allowed to use it.
I can't feel like I'm letting someone tell me how to live my life; "How it's gonna be."
Been there. Done that.
She doesn't want to feel like someone is telling her what to do.
She's been there, too. She's done that, too.
We are both strong-willed and capable of leading our own lives.
We don't need anyone.
But we both want someone.
Who doesn't?
I say I don't know what to do.
Her blood pressure goes up.
I make her sick.
And it makes me sick knowing this.
Why is this hard? What is wrong?
What are we doing wrong?

Show Me What I'm Looking For.....

By: Carolina Liar
Release date: 2008
*****************


Wait, I'm wrong.
Should have done better than this.
Please, I'll be strong.
I'm finding it hard to resist.
So, show me what I'm looking for.

Save me, I'm lost.
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.
Show me what I'm looking for, oh Lord.

Don't let go.
I've wanted this far too long.
Mistakes become regrets.
I've learned to love abuse.
Please, show me what I'm looking for.

Save me, I'm lost.
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.
Show me what I'm looking for, oh Lord.

Wait. I'm wrong.
I can't do better than this.
I'll pay any cost.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.

Show me what I'm looking for......

Burning The Candle...

...at both ends. That's what I feel like I've been doing.

For that past three weeks I've worked two jobs. Something I've never done before.

I worked 7:30a to 4:00p at the Nebraska State Peneteniary (NSP) and also at the Lincoln Correctional Center (LCC) as a temp.

I also kept my full time job as a cleaning lady (sigh..) and dropped those hours from full time down to part time to accomodate the temporary fulltime job. Tonight, I'll be going back full time to the night job.

I didn't think 60 hours a week would be so bad, but it was (half smiling to self). Thank goodness I had a good friend who was willing to give me a "wake up call" every morning at 5:00a.

That call was the only thing that stood between my sleeping through the alarm, and not. So, thank you to that friend. They saved my job.

Meanwhile, I continue my hunt for a permanent full time job that will pay the bills. So, while I can exhale from not having two jobs at the moment, the possibility of that happening again in the near future is very possible.

I continue to try to get on with the State; I applied for three more open positions with them today. I also am watching the listings for the hospitals in town. Maybe I can get my foot in the door with one of them.

At any rate, I seem to be doing things and surviving situations that I would have never thought possible even a few months ago. But somehow, I am doing it.

I know it's not just by the force of my own will; I'm not strong enough nor am I arrogant enough to believe that.

I know there's something bigger keeping me going; making me do things I didn't think I could do; helping me survive situations I didn't think I could survive.

And so, to that force, I say thank you, as well. I know that you exist and that you see everything. Up to and including what people write on the internet.

Thank you, God. I love you.