The Definition of Irony

When the actual meaning is the exact opposite of the literal meaning.

She tells me that in order to keep her sanity, she needs this done.

I tell her that in order to keep my sanity, I need this to work.

NUMB

I feel nothing right now. Just numb.
Just.....numb.

Theft By Deception

I'm beginning to know what it feels like. You know. Letting go, even if it's against your will. It's like, at some point, your subconscious just says, "You've had enough. You can't take it anymore. I'm going to MAKE you let go of this. It's killing you."


It's the dreams. I'm dreaming again. Situations; scenarios; things and places that have happened...and will never happen. Strange dreams that make no sense, but leave me feeling drained and depressed as hell when I wake...and not knowing why. Why the hell am I so exhausted when I wake up?

It's because my brain has been thinking all night; trying to work things out; trying to keep me alive. And it sucks. It all sucks. I don't like it. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.

I trusted. I believed. I jumped in head first. And I knew better, but I still did it.

But it has turned out all wrong and I don't know what to do about it. I wake up and I feel like I'm holding on to something, but it's nothing. I'm holding on to my own delusions; my own...hopelessness.

I used to think that love conquered all. But it doesn't. It really doesn't. It takes a hell of a lot more than "love". And this love is killing me. I'm tired of fighting for it. All I do is wait. Wait. Wait...

What am I supposed to be waiting for? To finally give up? Throw in the towel? Walk away from the table with my pockets...and my soul...empty? What?

Trust. Waiting for trust.

Honesty. Waiting for honesty.

Passion, desire, want. Waiting waiting waiting for these things.

But mostly, I wait. Wait for this. Wait for that.

The confusion comes in when I realize I'm on the bottom of the list. It's when it's misunderstood that a "choice" needs to be made. There is no "choice". I just want to fit in to the puzzle. That's all. No "choices." No this or that. It was never about that.

I was there when times were bad. Real bad. I was there even when I wasn't wanted there. I still stuck it out. Is it so wrong of me? so selfish? to ask when my turn is? To ask when there's time for me?

And so, I drag myself out of bed and I'm heading to work because I have to. Just like everyone else. I'm no different than anyone else. I'm not special. I am not an exception to the rule. I know that.

And I know what's happening. What's really happening. Slowly and painfully. I know what's happening.

I know. But I still won't be ready for it. I won't.

I am still in love with her. But, by her own admission, that person no longer exists. She asks if I know how bad I hurt her sometimes. I wonder if she knows, really knows, how bad she hurts me. Or if she even cares anymore.

It was never about choosing; giving something up for something else. I just wanted to fit into the picture, that's all.

That was all.

Confusion..

I come for dinner. Dinner is good. Roast beef and potatoes. Delicious.
I am told me rings were found, and they were. I am happy. So happy.
I returned the ring given to her by her aunt which she gave to me in the interim to finding my rings.
For this, I do not understand, I am chastised.
I wanted to do the right thing; returen the ring that was given to her by her aunt. In my mind it was the right thng to do..Her aunt gave her the ring. It was not mine.
I still keep the origninal ring she gave to me four years ago. This ring means more to me than she will know.
For some reason, I have done something wrong. And I do not understand.
I returned her aunt's ring.
I thanked her for returning the rings she bought for me.
And I retain the ring she originally gave me in the beginning....
She says she is confused. Well, I am confused, as well.
Seems confusion, misunderstanding and frustration (along with migraines) runs through every attempt I make at making things right.
No more drinking. Check.
She has stopped smoking. Check.
Am I to stop smoking?
Will that make this endless cycle of being held at arm's length stop?
Will the trust ever return?
Will there be something else?
Only God knows.
Only God.

Why...

Am I crazy to be in love with you? I've done everything you've wanted and you still find reasons to push me away.
And now it's the smoking. Now I'll smell like an ashtray everytime you're around me unless I stop smoking, too. Is that what you want me to do? Stop smoking? I will if you give the word.
Is it worth it to you? Am I worth it? You're worth it to me. Do you still love me? Do you still want to be together or is this another reason why you don't think it will work?
I've done everything you've wanted. I even gave you up. You threatened a protection order if I didn't. So I gave you up agaist my will.
Then, while I'm standing in the doctor's office, you call. And you continue to find reasons not to see me; not to talk to me. You tell me how I stress you out; how I make your blood pressure go up.
I have to ask you. Why did you call me? Why did you want to thank me for giving you what you wanted? Why did you want to hear my voice? Why are you acting this way now?
Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much I want this to work? Do you know how much I hurt? Ache? Want YOU to be my lover?
Don't you feel the same way?

Why did you call me that day...?