Nardil

Now, there is an interesting little old-school MAOI inhibitor...
Just a little orange pill. Like ECT without the electricity.
The doctor said it is the last-ditch effort; the precursor to the afore mentioned....

The side effects are interesting. The loss of short-term memory during treatment.
But then, my short-term memory has been shot for years.
Then there's the loss of recent long-term memory. This is appealing....

In theory, when I come out on the other side of this, if the drug did it's job on the chemicals in my brain,
I will forget that I love her.
I will remember her, but the chains in my mind that I can't break, myself, will be gone.

Just like when she had cancer and went through the chemo.
It affected her mind.
And it made her forget that she loves me.
The chemo made her forget.
And now, I will forget, too; short of electric shock, that is.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad. But it is.

The first two days have been like an explosion of memories; thoughts; fears.
But, when the panic attacks come, I can sometimes talk myself out of them if I really concentrate, instead of having to ride it out.
And when I think of her; when thoughts of her come to me,
I can sometimes look at it, acknowledge it, and file it away.

It feels like it's tearing at the core of these memories;
Killing the root.
I'm afraid, but I'm not.
I don't want to do this, but I do.

And I'm scared 'cause I'm alone. I'm scared, Toni.
I don't want to forget you, but I have to.
I don't want to.

But I have to forget you for my sake.
And so, I am going down the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry.

It feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.