Nardil

Now, there is an interesting little old-school MAOI inhibitor...
Just a little orange pill. Like ECT without the electricity.
The doctor said it is the last-ditch effort; the precursor to the afore mentioned....

The side effects are interesting. The loss of short-term memory during treatment.
But then, my short-term memory has been shot for years.
Then there's the loss of recent long-term memory. This is appealing....

In theory, when I come out on the other side of this, if the drug did it's job on the chemicals in my brain,
I will forget that I love her.
I will remember her, but the chains in my mind that I can't break, myself, will be gone.

Just like when she had cancer and went through the chemo.
It affected her mind.
And it made her forget that she loves me.
The chemo made her forget.
And now, I will forget, too; short of electric shock, that is.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad. But it is.

The first two days have been like an explosion of memories; thoughts; fears.
But, when the panic attacks come, I can sometimes talk myself out of them if I really concentrate, instead of having to ride it out.
And when I think of her; when thoughts of her come to me,
I can sometimes look at it, acknowledge it, and file it away.

It feels like it's tearing at the core of these memories;
Killing the root.
I'm afraid, but I'm not.
I don't want to do this, but I do.

And I'm scared 'cause I'm alone. I'm scared, Toni.
I don't want to forget you, but I have to.
I don't want to.

But I have to forget you for my sake.
And so, I am going down the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry.

It feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Under Pressure ~ Queen ~ 1981

That's ok. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about,
Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"


...Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn.
Why?
Why love?
Why?


'Cause love's such and old-fashioned word.
And love dares you to care for the people
On the edge of the night and love dares you
To change our way of caring about ourselves.
This is our last dance.
This is ourselves.
Under pressure...


Why can't we give love one more chance?
Why cant we give love?

Under Pressure

There are things people will do under the pressure of competition that they wouldn't normally do.....

and sometimes...

sometimes.


They Break.

Psychosis Part 2

Yep. Still got it.

She'll be back. She's got some stuff to work out right now, some things to prove, but she'll be back.
She loves me. She'll realize that.
I give her a couple months, maybe.
She'll come back.
And I'll be waiting.

Because I believe this is true.
I absolutely believe with all my heart that this is true.

We are meant to be together.
We will have a happy ending together.

...And it would appear...I have completely lost my mind...

Just Stop

Just stop doing this, Toni. Just please, stop.
You're pride is killing both of us.
It won't get better with time.
It will get worse.
We need to talk..

Psychosis

The definition of psychosis is: 'A mental condition that affects a person's sense of reality'.

As you can imagine, this took me aback for a moment.
The more I've read about this condition, the more it describes me at the moment..

God, I cannot WAIT until I stop feeling this way, and I'm not talking about the traditional 'broken heart'.

I'm talking about the belief that we are not soulmates;
That we were not destined to be together;
That the longer we are apart, the more miserable we will be;
And on and on and on....

This is what I am talking about. This 'belief', this psychosis.
The biggest thing I'm trying to do is make this 'belief' go away.

But it never will.
I already know it.

Shell Shocked

I feel like I need to write something.
I sit down and face the screen; my fingers are moving and I don't know what to say.
But I will try.
It's time I talked...

Here goes nuthin.

I just got back from having coffee with a friend. I'm trying to make friends again and I have one so far. Pretty big accomplishment for me.
I've been on sort of a mental hiatus for the past 72 hours. My friend referred to me as "shell shocked", and I do believe it's probably pretty accurate at this point.

I mean, I've been feeling kind of..numb..these last three days. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday.
Perhaps the fact that I haven't eaten in that time has something to do with it, as well. I've heard that prophets and great seers fast in order to have visions. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I don't know.
I just feel numb. Shell shocked. Best way to describe it..

I don't know what great words of wisdom I have to share. None, really. Only, that life is truly not fair.
No one plays by the rules, and the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how.
That's what my friend said to me tonight as we drank our coffee and watched the people go by, "..the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how."
How true that is.

I don't feel anger anymore. No panic. No fear. No sadness. I feel nothing.
The only knowledge I've come to realize is that..it's over. It's just over. Done.

She was cold and cruel and heartless by letting me hang on for a year and a half. This is true.
She was selfish when her aunt was dying a few weeks ago and she reached out to me. She invited me to her aunt's memorial when she passed away. I declined the offer.

I told her that in the almost five years we'd known each other, I'd only seen her parents and one of her sons, twice. And that was when we first met.

I asked her how she would introduce me to all these "strangers" when they asked who I was.
And she was silent.
That was my answer right there, although I didn't know it at the time..or refused to know it.

Needless to say, I ended up not going to the memorial. I don't even know when it was..last weekend..this weekend. No idea. And I suppose that's for the best.

What I'm doing right now, I guess, is knowing; not feeling. I think there's a difference. There seems to be, anyway.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I suppose this could be considered a small break down of sorts. I 'spose.
But I have my pets to take care of and a new job to find, I keep taking my meds, I've made one new friend, so maybe that's what keeps me going.
I don't know.

I don't know much at the  moment.
I'll let you know if I do...

Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
~BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

Have You Ever....

Have you ever had one of those days--that turns into one of those nights--?
You know...

One of those times when you just want to close the windows, shut the doors, unplug the phone and just shut out the world for a while, close yourself off from the world, and NOT end your life?
Yea.
That.
I'm having one of those.

If it weren't, in fact, true that in the span of four short days a little while back,
my truck broke down,
my girlfriend very unceremoniously dumped me in a text (and she told ME to act like AN ADULT) (good God)),
and I lost my job,
it would make a good country song.
But it's not a country song.
It's Real Life.

And right now, Real Life is more than I can bear.
Not "almost" more than I can bear, but actually more than I can bear at the moment.
If not for the matter of the girlfriend (I can't call her "ex" yet..) dumping me, like she's a teenager, in a text....A five-year relationship ended with a cellphone text....and then telling me I was the one who should act like an adult.....well, if not for that, I'd be ok.
But, there is that.
And I'm not ok.

So..
I will close the blinds, turn off the outside lights, turn off my phone, go offline, take my prescribed amount of medication, and lose myself in a good movie, or two, or ten, like she used to do before she replaced me.

And, for a change, not attempt to off myself.
I suck at it anyway.
Failure at that just like everything else...

Game Over for a while, guys.
Later.

The Reason I Blog

I've been spending some time this evening going over my blogs of the last several days; all the things about the break up--if you can call it that. If you ask me, breaking up in a text is just, well, gutless. Cowardly. Immature. Stone Cold..

My rise from the ashes; my struggle to survive; to find the strength to go on.
Like a Phoenix. These are the things I've been dealing with this past week or ten days..

It's amazing what we can do with technology these days, isn't it?
We can communicate with people all over the world in the blink of an eye.
But we still can't get along. We still fight. We are still stubborn.
We still break up and end relationships for what, in my opinion, are stupid reasons. Sorry.
But I just think we've been educated way beyond our ability to handle it.
Maybe we'll never figure it out.

Am I as "ok" as I sound? Well, no. Not really. But I suspect I won't be for quite some time.
I keep to myself quite a bit, but as you can see from my more recent blogs, I'm trying to get out of the house more; be with people.

Albeit, I've been a little, um...grey...today. It's all good. I talked myself out of this latest slump. I won't fall again. I can't afford to. I may not have enough lives left to use up. Only God knows about that.

It's a little surreal, seeing your guts sprayed all over the Internet. But I put them there; no one but me.
I find it hard to imagine who would read this; I fight the urge to take them down, like I have so many of my past blogs.
But I don't this time. I'm leaving them up. Even if they still shock me when I read them. That's good. It means I've made progress.
And this brings me to the reason I do this; the reason I blog, write, journal.

First, I do this because I have to.
I have to get these things out of me or it will kill me. Quite literally.
These thoughts, these feelings, these emotions--they have to come out.
I've written all my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's just the way I've learned to cope with the world.
With Real Life.

And secondly, there's someone out there who needs to see this. I know there's someone out there who's hurting and needs to know their pain doesn't go unnoticed; isn't different; not alone.
If only one person sees this and their life is different--changed--better, then it will be worth it.
And if not, well, then I at least got it out of me.
It's like the song by Anna Nalik, Just Breathe.

"2am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

I know a lot of what I write is pretty raw. But that's how I see things. Am I dramatic? I feel things very very deeply. I literally feel them. It's hard to explain...
And when I love, I love with my whole heart. No holding back. Or I don't love at all.

This last experience almost took me down. This is the hardest I've fought so far in my life to live...to survive.
The things I write are true and I can't apologize for telling the truth, because if it helps someone, if just one person sees themselves in these words, it will all have been worth it.

This is the reason I blog. This is why.
And now you know.
Thank you for following me.

Most Sincerely, BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

It's All Ok. Really.

It hurts.
Bad.
But this, too, shall pass....

As long as there is someone in the sky to protect me,
there is no one on earth who could break me.

I am stronger than this thing that has a grip on me.
I will shake it off and become stronger and better because of it.
I will become stronger.
I will become more wary.
I will not trust so easily as before.
I will be no one's fool
ever again.

And.

I.
Will.
Not.
Lie.
Down.