Learning The Meaning Of Irony

I know the meaning of the word. I just hate living through the situations that come up that it applies to.
Am I "well" yet? Probably not. Am I "feeling better"? Um, yea. I guess so.
Do I still love her? Do I still miss her? Hell yes, I do.
Will I most likely forever? Yep.
Will I meet someone one of these days that will distract my attention?
God in Heaven. If I'm lucky.
Will she be Toni? No.
Will I want her to be Toni? No.

Just like Toni found in my absence,
her happiness,
So, too, shall I find mine.

This is as positive as I can get at the moment.
There is hope in these words if you look very hard and read between the lines.
I will survive.
This, too, shall pass.

I Wish I Could Make You Love Me Again...

But I can't, can I? It's just...gone...isn't it?
The grip you have in my mind is weakening. I don't like it. It scares me.
I don't want to forget you, Toni.
I don't want to forget..
And if I don't, the next step is ECT. To forget. That I love you.
Now, that's insane. There's nothing wrong with me and the world is trying to MAKE something wrong with me.
That's what's crazy. Not me.

Nardil

Now, there is an interesting little old-school MAOI inhibitor...
Just a little orange pill. Like ECT without the electricity.
The doctor said it is the last-ditch effort; the precursor to the afore mentioned....

The side effects are interesting. The loss of short-term memory during treatment.
But then, my short-term memory has been shot for years.
Then there's the loss of recent long-term memory. This is appealing....

In theory, when I come out on the other side of this, if the drug did it's job on the chemicals in my brain,
I will forget that I love her.
I will remember her, but the chains in my mind that I can't break, myself, will be gone.

Just like when she had cancer and went through the chemo.
It affected her mind.
And it made her forget that she loves me.
The chemo made her forget.
And now, I will forget, too; short of electric shock, that is.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad. But it is.

The first two days have been like an explosion of memories; thoughts; fears.
But, when the panic attacks come, I can sometimes talk myself out of them if I really concentrate, instead of having to ride it out.
And when I think of her; when thoughts of her come to me,
I can sometimes look at it, acknowledge it, and file it away.

It feels like it's tearing at the core of these memories;
Killing the root.
I'm afraid, but I'm not.
I don't want to do this, but I do.

And I'm scared 'cause I'm alone. I'm scared, Toni.
I don't want to forget you, but I have to.
I don't want to.

But I have to forget you for my sake.
And so, I am going down the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry.

It feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Under Pressure ~ Queen ~ 1981

That's ok. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about,
Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"


...Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn.
Why?
Why love?
Why?


'Cause love's such and old-fashioned word.
And love dares you to care for the people
On the edge of the night and love dares you
To change our way of caring about ourselves.
This is our last dance.
This is ourselves.
Under pressure...


Why can't we give love one more chance?
Why cant we give love?

Under Pressure

There are things people will do under the pressure of competition that they wouldn't normally do.....

and sometimes...

sometimes.


They Break.

God, I Miss You Today, Girl....

"You put the fire in my cheeks.
Speech won't come.
My ears ring.
Blind to all others,
I sweat and I stammer.
I am a trembling thing, like grass,
and inch from dying.
So poor I've nothing to lose,
I must gamble."

~ Sappho

Psychosis Part 2

Yep. Still got it.

She'll be back. She's got some stuff to work out right now, some things to prove, but she'll be back.
She loves me. She'll realize that.
I give her a couple months, maybe.
She'll come back.
And I'll be waiting.

Because I believe this is true.
I absolutely believe with all my heart that this is true.

We are meant to be together.
We will have a happy ending together.

...And it would appear...I have completely lost my mind...