I'm tired.
So tired.
And not really making much sense.
As long as I can stay one step ahead of the men in the white coats
I should be ok.
But I'm afraid they many catch up with me eventually.
And I'm too tired to run anymore.
"I want".
Something someone used to say to me.
I want, too.
I want to see you.
It's been two weeks.
I don't want to wait another two weeks.
I want the dream.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fail
I made it all the way to pick up my bipolar supervisor.
I made it all the way downtown to the job.
I made it all the way through the "walk through" (to see if outside doors are locked, etc.)
And then.
Then I couldn't do anymore.
I sat there on my ass and let her check first floor by herself.
And then.
Then I checked out and went home.
I will be paid for one hour tonight.
One hour.
$8.00.
Why do I try?
Why??
It isn't worth it. None of it is worth it.
And so, I am home tonight.
And that is dangerous.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of failing.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired...just tired...
Fail.
Game Over.
I made it all the way downtown to the job.
I made it all the way through the "walk through" (to see if outside doors are locked, etc.)
And then.
Then I couldn't do anymore.
I sat there on my ass and let her check first floor by herself.
And then.
Then I checked out and went home.
I will be paid for one hour tonight.
One hour.
$8.00.
Why do I try?
Why??
It isn't worth it. None of it is worth it.
And so, I am home tonight.
And that is dangerous.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of failing.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired...just tired...
Fail.
Game Over.
Nothing.....Again
I have no energy today.
No desire to do anything at all.
Nothing I planned to do this weekend was done.
I don't want to go to that shitty little job that doesn't pay enough to survive because it's the only place that would hire me.
Nope.
No desire at all.
I feel like calling in and telling them they suck, their job sucks, and I'm slowly starving to death and will eventually lose my house.
Because the dude that calls himself the boss is a jerk.
He keeps all the money, all the bonuses for himself.
A jerk.
But, to do that would be dangerous for myself.
Very, very dangerous.
Because then I would be left with no job at all.
And I ask you, how would that look on a resume'?
Yep. I'm pretty much fucked. Totally.
So, I reluctantly get ready to go to a job I hate.
I reluctantly go to pick up my bipolar supervisor because she hasn't had a car that runs for weeks.
I hate this job.
I hate my life at the moment.
I try to have faith that things will get better.
And when they finally do, you'll see *happy* posts from me.
But until that times comes, what you'll get
Is the truth.
At this moment:
FML
No desire to do anything at all.
Nothing I planned to do this weekend was done.
I don't want to go to that shitty little job that doesn't pay enough to survive because it's the only place that would hire me.
Nope.
No desire at all.
I feel like calling in and telling them they suck, their job sucks, and I'm slowly starving to death and will eventually lose my house.
Because the dude that calls himself the boss is a jerk.
He keeps all the money, all the bonuses for himself.
A jerk.
But, to do that would be dangerous for myself.
Very, very dangerous.
Because then I would be left with no job at all.
And I ask you, how would that look on a resume'?
Yep. I'm pretty much fucked. Totally.
So, I reluctantly get ready to go to a job I hate.
I reluctantly go to pick up my bipolar supervisor because she hasn't had a car that runs for weeks.
I hate this job.
I hate my life at the moment.
I try to have faith that things will get better.
And when they finally do, you'll see *happy* posts from me.
But until that times comes, what you'll get
Is the truth.
At this moment:
FML
Friday, October 7, 2011
The Lunatic
Well, I overslept today. The moon is already beginning to take it's tole on me. Insomnia.
That is how my day started.
I fell asleep, finally, at 6:30 this morning. I fell asleep praying. It took more of my meds than usual to pass out. And I know that's why I didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon. Thank God, I don't have to be at work until 6:00pm.
I am fighting the huge lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. And if I'm not fully medicated the entire time I'm awake, it comes back.
I have the added symptom of my heart aching. That is the part that's killing me. This happened once before, around the time of my birthday. I thought I was having a small stroke -- all the symptoms were there. I thought I was dying.
So logically, I know these are the old familiar symptoms, back again. Emotionally, I'm dying. Hard as I try, I can't convince myself that I'm not. I know my body will live on, but inside, I will die.
I can fight off this feeling as long as I am heavily medicated and am doing something, like going to work. Although, that's a struggle. It's the last place I want to be, but I know that if I stay home, I will have more time on my hands to think. And thinking is what is doing me in.
I can't be where I want to be. That is impossible. And the fear that I will never be there, where I want to be, again, is a knife through my heart.
I have to leave for work soon; all my pets are fed, I'm dressed, all is ready. Except me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this night.
The moon was beautiful on the way home yesterday. And becomming more full by the night. Soon, it will be full. And by that time, I will be quite sleep deprived. I can't sleep during the full moon. Back in the day, they called this type of person a "lunatic".
It was ok with me at one time. I had someone to share those waking hours with; someone who understood the effect the moon has on some people. I don't have that anymore. I'm left with only myself for comfort and that is a dangerous thing. A very dangerous thing because, well, I don't like myself very much at the moment. I don't really care that I can't sleep. And I can give myself no solace regarding it.
And so, I do the only thing I know how to do anymore...I pray. I pray for God's will to be done. But I also pray, shelfishly, for myself. I pray that what I want to be done. But I must remember to add that only if it is His will for me...for all concerned.
I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Only God knows how hard this is. This is not me; patience, waiting, staying calm, hoping for the best. These things are not me.
So many things, everything, it seems, have gone wrong in my life. Everything I touch has turned to dust in my hands.
And so, I go to work. It's Friday. I can spend most of the evening alone if I try. Only at breaks do I need to talk and socialize with another person.
But all I can do is think about someone else. Someone who is far far away. Not only in miles, but in others ways, as well. And I am afraid, so afraid, that they will stay that way.
That is how my day started.
I fell asleep, finally, at 6:30 this morning. I fell asleep praying. It took more of my meds than usual to pass out. And I know that's why I didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon. Thank God, I don't have to be at work until 6:00pm.
I am fighting the huge lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. And if I'm not fully medicated the entire time I'm awake, it comes back.
I have the added symptom of my heart aching. That is the part that's killing me. This happened once before, around the time of my birthday. I thought I was having a small stroke -- all the symptoms were there. I thought I was dying.
So logically, I know these are the old familiar symptoms, back again. Emotionally, I'm dying. Hard as I try, I can't convince myself that I'm not. I know my body will live on, but inside, I will die.
I can fight off this feeling as long as I am heavily medicated and am doing something, like going to work. Although, that's a struggle. It's the last place I want to be, but I know that if I stay home, I will have more time on my hands to think. And thinking is what is doing me in.
I can't be where I want to be. That is impossible. And the fear that I will never be there, where I want to be, again, is a knife through my heart.
I have to leave for work soon; all my pets are fed, I'm dressed, all is ready. Except me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this night.
The moon was beautiful on the way home yesterday. And becomming more full by the night. Soon, it will be full. And by that time, I will be quite sleep deprived. I can't sleep during the full moon. Back in the day, they called this type of person a "lunatic".
It was ok with me at one time. I had someone to share those waking hours with; someone who understood the effect the moon has on some people. I don't have that anymore. I'm left with only myself for comfort and that is a dangerous thing. A very dangerous thing because, well, I don't like myself very much at the moment. I don't really care that I can't sleep. And I can give myself no solace regarding it.
And so, I do the only thing I know how to do anymore...I pray. I pray for God's will to be done. But I also pray, shelfishly, for myself. I pray that what I want to be done. But I must remember to add that only if it is His will for me...for all concerned.
I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Only God knows how hard this is. This is not me; patience, waiting, staying calm, hoping for the best. These things are not me.
So many things, everything, it seems, have gone wrong in my life. Everything I touch has turned to dust in my hands.
And so, I go to work. It's Friday. I can spend most of the evening alone if I try. Only at breaks do I need to talk and socialize with another person.
But all I can do is think about someone else. Someone who is far far away. Not only in miles, but in others ways, as well. And I am afraid, so afraid, that they will stay that way.
If You Love Someone.....
I pray...
I pray when I go to bed.
I pray when I wake up.
I pray while I'm driving.
I pray while I'm at work.
I pray all the way home.
I pray when I check my email.
I pray all night.
"If you love someone, let them go.
If they come back, they are your's...
...and if they don't...
...they never were..."
I pray that I am wrong about my worst, most horrible fear....I pray.
And I pray...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Guts On The Floor
I don't understand what happened tonight..I just don't..
I don't understand why just talking to me makes you so angry.
I said, "I'll keep my mouth shut and not tell you how I feel anymore.." and you broke in with, "And I won't tell you anything..." Anything what? What are you doing?
I mean, Toni, I was trying to work up to telling you I miss you, if you had let me finish.
I said that I understood that you've been sick. And you've told me before that you're tired all the time, and I understand that.
What I don't understand is why you feel like you need to defend yourself all the time. I'm sure you don't treat other people who you love and miss like that...
I've lost two rabbits that I loved very very much in the space of four months. I haven't even let myself grieve over Sunshine yet..It's tearing me apart.
I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay me enough to live. I continue to apply everywhere and still have no luck.
I talked to the woman at S.O.S. today and asked her if they gave her any reason why they turned me down after the interview on Friday. She said she had no idea and was as surprized as me.
It went so well; I was perfectly qualified for the position; it would have paid me enough to survive. Yes, it was only a temp postition, but it would have run for at least 8 months.
Eight months with my foot in the door at the State. I could have found something posted internally there in that amount of time. But no. Rejected again.
Do you realize that you are the only person in the world that still means anything to me? Do you know how badly I want to hear the soft words, to hold you, to feel safe in your arms, to know you and I trust each other?
Why do you keep me at arm's length, Toni? Why?
Why do you talk about seeing me here as "going home"? Why do you do wonderful things for me like cutting down that stupid tree? Why do you worry that your little tree is still growing?
Then why do you turn around and act like I'm the worst person you've ever met and can never forgive me? Why do you go back and forth like that?
Why do you shut the phone off and go to bed? But then, when I ask for time, you get angry?
Toni, I don't want time. I just want you. Why can't I have you anymore?
What aren't you telling me?
I realized something tonight after you hung up on me. You're not in love with me anymore. You may still love me. But that feeling, the man I knew, is gone. And I still am in love with him.
Please tell me I'm wrong about this. Please don't respond with anger.
I don't understand why just talking to me makes you so angry.
I said, "I'll keep my mouth shut and not tell you how I feel anymore.." and you broke in with, "And I won't tell you anything..." Anything what? What are you doing?
I mean, Toni, I was trying to work up to telling you I miss you, if you had let me finish.
I said that I understood that you've been sick. And you've told me before that you're tired all the time, and I understand that.
What I don't understand is why you feel like you need to defend yourself all the time. I'm sure you don't treat other people who you love and miss like that...
I've lost two rabbits that I loved very very much in the space of four months. I haven't even let myself grieve over Sunshine yet..It's tearing me apart.
I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay me enough to live. I continue to apply everywhere and still have no luck.
I talked to the woman at S.O.S. today and asked her if they gave her any reason why they turned me down after the interview on Friday. She said she had no idea and was as surprized as me.
It went so well; I was perfectly qualified for the position; it would have paid me enough to survive. Yes, it was only a temp postition, but it would have run for at least 8 months.
Eight months with my foot in the door at the State. I could have found something posted internally there in that amount of time. But no. Rejected again.
Do you realize that you are the only person in the world that still means anything to me? Do you know how badly I want to hear the soft words, to hold you, to feel safe in your arms, to know you and I trust each other?
Why do you keep me at arm's length, Toni? Why?
Why do you talk about seeing me here as "going home"? Why do you do wonderful things for me like cutting down that stupid tree? Why do you worry that your little tree is still growing?
Then why do you turn around and act like I'm the worst person you've ever met and can never forgive me? Why do you go back and forth like that?
Why do you shut the phone off and go to bed? But then, when I ask for time, you get angry?
Toni, I don't want time. I just want you. Why can't I have you anymore?
What aren't you telling me?
I realized something tonight after you hung up on me. You're not in love with me anymore. You may still love me. But that feeling, the man I knew, is gone. And I still am in love with him.
Please tell me I'm wrong about this. Please don't respond with anger.
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