The Lunatic

Well, I overslept today. The moon is already beginning to take it's tole on me. Insomnia.
That is how my day started.

I fell asleep, finally, at 6:30 this morning. I fell asleep praying. It took more of my meds than usual to pass out. And I know that's why I didn't wake up until 4:00 in the afternoon. Thank God, I don't have to be at work until 6:00pm.

I am fighting the huge lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach. And if I'm not fully medicated the entire time I'm awake, it comes back.

I have the added symptom of my heart aching. That is the part that's killing me. This happened once before, around the time of my birthday. I thought I was having a small stroke -- all the symptoms were there. I thought I was dying.

So logically, I know these are the old familiar symptoms, back again. Emotionally, I'm dying. Hard as I try, I can't convince myself that I'm not. I know my body will live on, but inside, I will die.

I can fight off this feeling as long as I am heavily medicated and am doing something, like going to work. Although, that's a struggle. It's the last place I want to be, but I know that if I stay home, I will have more time on my hands to think. And thinking is what is doing me in.

I can't be where I want to be. That is impossible. And the fear that I will never be there, where I want to be, again, is a knife through my heart.

I have to leave for work soon; all my pets are fed, I'm dressed, all is ready. Except me. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this night.

The moon was beautiful on the way home yesterday. And becomming more full by the night. Soon, it will be full. And by that time, I will be quite sleep deprived. I can't sleep during the full moon. Back in the day, they called this type of person a "lunatic".

It was ok with me at one time. I had someone to share those waking hours with; someone who understood the effect the moon has on some people. I don't have that anymore. I'm left with only myself for comfort and that is a dangerous thing. A very dangerous thing because, well, I don't like myself very much at the moment. I don't really care that I can't sleep. And I can give myself no solace regarding it.

And so, I do the only thing I know how to do anymore...I pray. I pray for God's will to be done. But I also pray, shelfishly, for myself. I pray that what I want to be done. But I must remember to add that only if it is His will for me...for all concerned.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Only God knows how hard this is. This is not me; patience, waiting, staying calm, hoping for the best. These things are not me.

So many things, everything, it seems, have gone wrong in my life. Everything I touch has turned to dust in my hands.

And so, I go to work. It's Friday. I can spend most of the evening alone if I try. Only at breaks do I need to talk and socialize with another person.

But all I can do is think about someone else. Someone who is far far away. Not only in miles, but in others ways, as well. And I am afraid, so afraid, that they will stay that way.