Guts On The Floor

I don't understand what happened tonight..I just don't..
I don't understand why just talking to me makes you so angry.

I said, "I'll keep my mouth shut and not tell you how I feel anymore.." and you broke in with, "And I won't tell you anything..." Anything what? What are you doing?

I mean, Toni, I was trying to work up to telling you I miss you, if you had let me finish.

I said that I understood that you've been sick. And you've told me before that you're tired all the time, and I understand that.

What I don't understand is why you feel like you need to defend yourself all the time. I'm sure you don't treat other people who you love and miss like that...

I've lost two rabbits that I loved very very much in the space of four months. I haven't even let myself grieve over Sunshine yet..It's tearing me apart.

I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay me enough to live. I continue to apply everywhere and still have no luck.

I talked to the woman at S.O.S. today and asked her if they gave her any reason why they turned me down after the interview on Friday. She said she had no idea and was as surprized as me.

It went so well; I was perfectly qualified for the position; it would have paid me enough to survive. Yes, it was only a temp postition, but it would have run for at least 8 months.

Eight months with my foot in the door at the State. I could have found something posted internally there in that amount of time. But no. Rejected again.

Do you realize that you are the only person in the world that still means anything to me? Do you know how badly I want to hear the soft words, to hold you, to feel safe in your arms, to know you and I trust each other?

Why do you keep me at arm's length, Toni? Why?

Why do you talk about seeing me here as "going home"? Why do you do wonderful things for me like cutting down that stupid tree? Why do you worry that your little tree is still growing?

Then why do you turn around and act like I'm the worst person you've ever met and can never forgive me? Why do you go back and forth like that?

Why do you shut the phone off and go to bed? But then, when I ask for time, you get angry?

Toni, I don't want time. I just want you. Why can't I have you anymore?

What aren't you telling me?

I realized something tonight after you hung up on me. You're not in love with me anymore. You may still love me. But that feeling, the man I knew, is gone. And I still am in love with him.

Please tell me I'm wrong about this. Please don't respond with anger.