Have You Ever....

Have you ever had one of those days--that turns into one of those nights--?
You know...

One of those times when you just want to close the windows, shut the doors, unplug the phone and just shut out the world for a while, close yourself off from the world, and NOT end your life?
Yea.
That.
I'm having one of those.

If it weren't, in fact, true that in the span of four short days a little while back,
my truck broke down,
my girlfriend very unceremoniously dumped me in a text (and she told ME to act like AN ADULT) (good God)),
and I lost my job,
it would make a good country song.
But it's not a country song.
It's Real Life.

And right now, Real Life is more than I can bear.
Not "almost" more than I can bear, but actually more than I can bear at the moment.
If not for the matter of the girlfriend (I can't call her "ex" yet..) dumping me, like she's a teenager, in a text....A five-year relationship ended with a cellphone text....and then telling me I was the one who should act like an adult.....well, if not for that, I'd be ok.
But, there is that.
And I'm not ok.

So..
I will close the blinds, turn off the outside lights, turn off my phone, go offline, take my prescribed amount of medication, and lose myself in a good movie, or two, or ten, like she used to do before she replaced me.

And, for a change, not attempt to off myself.
I suck at it anyway.
Failure at that just like everything else...

Game Over for a while, guys.
Later.

The Reason I Blog

I've been spending some time this evening going over my blogs of the last several days; all the things about the break up--if you can call it that. If you ask me, breaking up in a text is just, well, gutless. Cowardly. Immature. Stone Cold..

My rise from the ashes; my struggle to survive; to find the strength to go on.
Like a Phoenix. These are the things I've been dealing with this past week or ten days..

It's amazing what we can do with technology these days, isn't it?
We can communicate with people all over the world in the blink of an eye.
But we still can't get along. We still fight. We are still stubborn.
We still break up and end relationships for what, in my opinion, are stupid reasons. Sorry.
But I just think we've been educated way beyond our ability to handle it.
Maybe we'll never figure it out.

Am I as "ok" as I sound? Well, no. Not really. But I suspect I won't be for quite some time.
I keep to myself quite a bit, but as you can see from my more recent blogs, I'm trying to get out of the house more; be with people.

Albeit, I've been a little, um...grey...today. It's all good. I talked myself out of this latest slump. I won't fall again. I can't afford to. I may not have enough lives left to use up. Only God knows about that.

It's a little surreal, seeing your guts sprayed all over the Internet. But I put them there; no one but me.
I find it hard to imagine who would read this; I fight the urge to take them down, like I have so many of my past blogs.
But I don't this time. I'm leaving them up. Even if they still shock me when I read them. That's good. It means I've made progress.
And this brings me to the reason I do this; the reason I blog, write, journal.

First, I do this because I have to.
I have to get these things out of me or it will kill me. Quite literally.
These thoughts, these feelings, these emotions--they have to come out.
I've written all my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's just the way I've learned to cope with the world.
With Real Life.

And secondly, there's someone out there who needs to see this. I know there's someone out there who's hurting and needs to know their pain doesn't go unnoticed; isn't different; not alone.
If only one person sees this and their life is different--changed--better, then it will be worth it.
And if not, well, then I at least got it out of me.
It's like the song by Anna Nalik, Just Breathe.

"2am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

I know a lot of what I write is pretty raw. But that's how I see things. Am I dramatic? I feel things very very deeply. I literally feel them. It's hard to explain...
And when I love, I love with my whole heart. No holding back. Or I don't love at all.

This last experience almost took me down. This is the hardest I've fought so far in my life to live...to survive.
The things I write are true and I can't apologize for telling the truth, because if it helps someone, if just one person sees themselves in these words, it will all have been worth it.

This is the reason I blog. This is why.
And now you know.
Thank you for following me.

Most Sincerely, BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

It's All Ok. Really.

It hurts.
Bad.
But this, too, shall pass....

As long as there is someone in the sky to protect me,
there is no one on earth who could break me.

I am stronger than this thing that has a grip on me.
I will shake it off and become stronger and better because of it.
I will become stronger.
I will become more wary.
I will not trust so easily as before.
I will be no one's fool
ever again.

And.

I.
Will.
Not.
Lie.
Down.