My God...

You have lost your mind.
Who the hell are you anymore??
Who the hell do you think you are??

I knew getting that "promotion" at work would swell your head, but, OMG. You are gone.

Fine. Fine. I'll live my live alone and lick my wounds.

YOU'RE WELCOME for spending my retirement while with you on the FALSE PROMISE that it was "ok" because we'd ALWAYS be TOGETHER and you'd TAKE CARE of me.

You, asshole.

Yes, I'm still in love with you. Yes, I still have a broken heart.
Yes, I still got CONNED by the best artist I've met so far.
And yes. Yes Yes Yes.
I would STILL take you back if you ONLY GAVE ME THE CHANCE.

Another Day...

Another morning. I open my eyes. You are my first thought.

I have an interview this morning; my second interview. They called me back for a second. I really hope this works out. I need the money. I'm broke. Flat broke.

I've been thinking about the time towards the end when she accused me that all I cared about was her money, her retirement, her "net worth".

What I don't believe she realized then, or even now, is that I had no idea of her "net worth" until she told me. I didn't know what the numbers were. It never occurred to me to ask, "Hey, by the way, how much money you got?" Never crossed my mind.

I was already in love with her. I had been for a long time when this subject came up. Her money didn't mean anything to me. Money can't buy you someone to love you. But she thought that was what I wanted.

I didn't.

I wanted her.
I wanted to get old with her.

All I still want is her.

I have been diligent about trying to meet people, make friends. It takes a lot out of me. It's tiresome. I'm not really interested but I know if I don't, I'll lose what's left of my mind.

She is all I think about; all I talk about. To everyone. And I'm perceived as this poor thing with a broken heart and I'll get over it.

No, I won't.

No one gets it.

No one but her. And me. We get it. And I know that no matter what, she won't get over it; she won't forget me.

She wrote a blog about "A Work In Progress" a while back. She wrote some beautiful things in that blog. She wrote that she realized she'd been arrogant in her life much of the time. It sounded like she was changing; realizing what is really important in this life.

I know that huge changes in a person's life will make them realize these things; what's really important for their happiness; what they do and do not want.
She always told me, and wrote once, that what she really wanted was her love in her arms at night and her dog at her feet. Simple things, really. It was all I wanted, too.

And we had that. Then she took it away. She decided first that I didn't want her.
When she realized that wasn't true, she decided she didn't want me.

I'm afraid that she will never realize or care. I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again. I'm afraid her career, power, and all the choices around her will overwhelm her and she'll start lying to herself again.

I'm afraid she'll settle. She'll start searching what whatever it is she's looking for. I'm afraid she'll never realize that she already found it.
It was me. I'm still here.

I hope we both survive this long enough for her to realize it.

I'm here.
I Love You.

Tell Her I Love Her....

It's hard to describe, really. It's not getting any better. Not at all.
Why is it so easy for people to believe, "she's delusional; she's obsessed; she's crazy." I mean, why is it so hard to believe that I'm fighting for love?
Why is it so easy for everyone to believe the negative? Does no one fight for love anymore?
No one??
I met the one person I'd been searching for all my life; someone who gets me; someone who loves me for who I am. And I met her. It was too good to be true. I thought I'd missed my chance. But there she was.
Evidently, it was too good to be true. Because she's through with me
At least, she says she is.
I don't think she is...
People keep telling me I need to stop holding on. I need to stop hoping.
Hoping that she will realize what a mistake she's made and contact me; come back to me.
Come back.
I know they are right, but I can't make myself do it. It's impossible. And time isn't making it better. It's getting worse.
How in the hell do I explain that to her without her threatening a protection order? How??
I don't understand. She is The One. She used to tell me, herself, that I am The One.
How can all that change in the blink of an eye? How?
One week, she's talking to me about her aunt dying....
The next week, her aunt is gone and she's talking to me about going to the memorial....
The next week, she's threatening me with a protection order if I don't leave her alone....
For a year and a half, we've been talking. Figuring things out. Telling each other, "I Love You."
And now...
Now....
It's over.
And it's easy for people to think I'm crazy.
It's easy for them because they only know what she wants them to know.
And I'm left looking--and feeling--like a fool...

Shell Shocked

I feel like I need to write something.
I sit down and face the screen; my fingers are moving and I don't know what to say.
But I will try.
It's time I talked...

Here goes nuthin.

I just got back from having coffee with a friend. I'm trying to make friends again and I have one so far. Pretty big accomplishment for me.
I've been on sort of a mental hiatus for the past 72 hours. My friend referred to me as "shell shocked", and I do believe it's probably pretty accurate at this point.

I mean, I've been feeling kind of..numb..these last three days. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday.
Perhaps the fact that I haven't eaten in that time has something to do with it, as well. I've heard that prophets and great seers fast in order to have visions. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I don't know.
I just feel numb. Shell shocked. Best way to describe it..

I don't know what great words of wisdom I have to share. None, really. Only, that life is truly not fair.
No one plays by the rules, and the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how.
That's what my friend said to me tonight as we drank our coffee and watched the people go by, "..the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how."
How true that is.

I don't feel anger anymore. No panic. No fear. No sadness. I feel nothing.
The only knowledge I've come to realize is that..it's over. It's just over. Done.

She was cold and cruel and heartless by letting me hang on for a year and a half. This is true.
She was selfish when her aunt was dying a few weeks ago and she reached out to me. She invited me to her aunt's memorial when she passed away. I declined the offer.

I told her that in the almost five years we'd known each other, I'd only seen her parents and one of her sons, twice. And that was when we first met.

I asked her how she would introduce me to all these "strangers" when they asked who I was.
And she was silent.
That was my answer right there, although I didn't know it at the time..or refused to know it.

Needless to say, I ended up not going to the memorial. I don't even know when it was..last weekend..this weekend. No idea. And I suppose that's for the best.

What I'm doing right now, I guess, is knowing; not feeling. I think there's a difference. There seems to be, anyway.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I suppose this could be considered a small break down of sorts. I 'spose.
But I have my pets to take care of and a new job to find, I keep taking my meds, I've made one new friend, so maybe that's what keeps me going.
I don't know.

I don't know much at the  moment.
I'll let you know if I do...

Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
~BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

Have You Ever....

Have you ever had one of those days--that turns into one of those nights--?
You know...

One of those times when you just want to close the windows, shut the doors, unplug the phone and just shut out the world for a while, close yourself off from the world, and NOT end your life?
Yea.
That.
I'm having one of those.

If it weren't, in fact, true that in the span of four short days a little while back,
my truck broke down,
my girlfriend very unceremoniously dumped me in a text (and she told ME to act like AN ADULT) (good God)),
and I lost my job,
it would make a good country song.
But it's not a country song.
It's Real Life.

And right now, Real Life is more than I can bear.
Not "almost" more than I can bear, but actually more than I can bear at the moment.
If not for the matter of the girlfriend (I can't call her "ex" yet..) dumping me, like she's a teenager, in a text....A five-year relationship ended with a cellphone text....and then telling me I was the one who should act like an adult.....well, if not for that, I'd be ok.
But, there is that.
And I'm not ok.

So..
I will close the blinds, turn off the outside lights, turn off my phone, go offline, take my prescribed amount of medication, and lose myself in a good movie, or two, or ten, like she used to do before she replaced me.

And, for a change, not attempt to off myself.
I suck at it anyway.
Failure at that just like everything else...

Game Over for a while, guys.
Later.

Serendipity vs. Fate

Serendipity:
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.

Fate:
1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.
2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed;
the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.
3. that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.
4. a prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.
5. death, destruction, or ruin.

*****
 
The year is 1983. I was with my first partner.
 
She had a tattoo and I wanted one, too. So we went to the local tattoo shop.
I got my tattoo. My very first one.
As we were leaving, there was a girl and an older woman standing there, waiting.
The girl was about 17. All I could do was stare at her.
She was thin, had a tiny little spaghetti-strap top on, long brown hair,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I'd remember her.
Forever.
 
The year is 2007. Twenty-four years have passed.
 
I started writing to a smart, interesting, intelligent woman I'd met online.
We decided to meet. She walked through the door of a local bar we'd chosen,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I wanted to look into them
Forever.
 
I used to think it was serendipity that we met again; that it was something good.
But instead, it was fate.
And fate isn't always a good thing.
 
The year is 2010. Three years have passed.
 
She stayed with me for those three years and kept me hanging on for another year and a half after that.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
walk out the door.
Forever.
 
The year is 2012. Two more years have passed.
 
She never returned to me, although she promised she would.
She is with someone else. Anyone else.
As long as it isn't me, I suppose.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life,
every time I closed mine.
Forever.