Thunder and Lightening

There's a storm tonight. A thunder storm. I could hear it from inside the house.
I stepped outside on the front porch to hear the thunder better and was greeted with the most amazing light show.
And we have a thunder storm. And a tornado watch. In late February. Here. In Nebraska. Not too surprising for us. The weather has always had a mind of its own here.
I stood on the porch and enjoyed the storm. And missed someone to share it with. I haven't met too many people in this world who really love a good thunder storm. And I miss the one who used to enjoy them with me.
I miss a lot of things. But mostly, its the little things I miss the most. Watching storms together and feeling the goose bumps when the lightening would flash and the thunder would roar. Holding each other and smiling.
Beautiful storm. Beautiful night. Makes me happy but makes me sad. Something important to me is missing.
Yea. I miss that.

I Used To Rule The World....

I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now, in the morning I sleep alone; sweep the streets I used to own.
I used to roll the dice; feel the fear in my enemies' eyes, listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead. Long live the king."

One minute I held the key; next, the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing. Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword, and shield; my missionaries in a foreign field".
For some reason I can't explain, once you know, there was never, never an honest word.
But that was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums, people could not believe what I'd become..
Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string. Oh, who would ever want to be king?

For some reason I can't explain, I know Saint Peter won't call my name.
Never an honest word.
But that was when I ruled the world....

**Another Quote**

"Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience."
~ Henry David Thoreau

**A Quote**

"The things you do when no one is looking is what defines you."

I rather like that. :)

An Omen

I park on the top level of the parking garage near where I work downtown.
This morning, as I'm going up the ramp and rounding the corner, I come upon a peregrine falcon with his back to me and his wings out like he's covering something.
As I draw nearer with the truck he takes off and under him was a pigeon.
He was getting reading to eat the pigeon.
The falcon takes off and the pigeon takes off. Uneaten. Thanks to me. Showing up at the right (or wrong) time.
My question is this: What does this mean? What is the message here?
Am I the falcon or the pigeon?
I believe everything happens for a reason; everything means something; nothing is an accident. And I wasn't feeling so good when I got up today to begin with. Coming up on wildlife getting ready to have breakfast was not what I was expecting this morning.
But I saw it for a reason. Its an omen of something. Just not sure how to interpret it yet.

Real Life Break

I won't be writing very often anymore for a while.
I've watched a lot of dumb love stories lately, but that scene toward the end of that movie really got itself burned into my memory. I'll never forget it. That's actually kinda funny when you consider I usually can't remember what I ate for dinner the day before.
But it felt like that scene, that line, was written for me.

I need another break from this real life thing. There are some days I almost want to take a break from the whole thing. (I said almost).
And for that reason, the days--really, the nights--that I cry from the moment I get home until the time I go to bed, I should just back off this writing thing for a while. The whole crying thing and the lump in my throat and stomach should have been gone a long time ago; months and months ago.
But they're not. So I need to re-group.

I've always listened to my gut and its never gone me wrong. Its always been a lot smarter than my head.
And anytime I've ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I wind up in trouble. I wind up in an emotional situation like this.
Its time to start listening to my gut again.

On the upside, at least there won't be senseless depressing things to read anymore. At least for a while.
I hope next time something new pops up here, it will make someone--anyone--smile.

Reality And Memories

Work went ok today. I think things will go well there. Maybe I can even find an open position somewhere in the department before July. One can only hope.

I made friends with a secretary downstairs that handles the parking for the building and managed to get a spot at an unheard of monthly rate for State employees. I told her I was only a temp and she said, didn't matter. I wasn't about to argue. (Its right across the street).

We spent quite a while talking about the building, itself, and the memories of the place.
It was built in 1913 (I believe). When it was repurchased in 1985, the new owner had the carpet torn out to reveal the original marble floors and spent the time and money to have the original woodwork redone.

They even managed a way to keep the old mail chutes running. Remember those? My mom would slap my hand because I loved to open them up (I could barely reach) and feel the breeze blowing. Believe me, it was worth getting my hand slapped.

It was nice talking to someone else who remembered, really remembered being downtown when it was still downtown. We talked about the businesses that were there and the ones that are gone now..

After a bit I realized I'd been gone longer than I had planned and headed back upstairs. Up the marble and wood stairs. I love those stairs.
The elevators still have the original buttons in them. They are in surprisingly good shape. Don't know how they managed that.

And before I knew it, it was 5:00pm and time to go home. After the initial rush of relief of having the workday over (which lasts about two minutes), I'm driving home from work, like always, and my heart just...sinks, like always. I realize.

There's no one to come home to. No one to wait for who will be home soon. No one. Just..no one. And there won't be. That's something I'll never get used to again.

It reminds me of a scene from a movie that I saw.
Its near the end, but that one scene just sums up everything that I've tried to say, wanted to say, for so so long and just never found the right words.

It goes something like, "I didn't want what I didn't know I didn't have. I had a good life. I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was and now I'm acutely aware of how unhappy I was. Thank you for that!"

It was something like that.
But it just figures, in that moment in time, that precise moment. It was probably a month ago already, but I remember it like yesterday.

Sitting there on the sofa, me and my dogs, crocheting, watching a stupid move. How sad. But I remember thinking, yes. Yes...YES!! That's exactly it. That's exactly what I've been trying to convey all this time. Some English major, hu?

And no matter how hard I try, I just can't go back to being blissfully unaware anymore. I just can't make it happen.
This isn't a self-induced prison, nothing could be more wrong. Its beyond my "self".
I keep waiting for the day to come when it doesn't matter anymore; doesn't bother me; doesn't occur to me; I don't care.
The more time that goes by, the more days that string up, they don't make the burden -- the feeling -- lighter. It grows heavier. And this haunts me.

If this isn't understood, I don't know how to make it any more plain than that.
I don't know which is worse. Knowing you've missed the love of your life and may never have them back again, and not being able to move an inch except for faking it when you have to.
Or knowing you were with someone you really loved, made plans with, made promises of getting old, and then being able to just move on from that.

I know what the latter is like. I've been there. I've done that. I've gotten past these things before.
But that's what is haunting me.
Why was I able to do that then? Why am I not able to do that now?

More Changes

Found a new job in record time. It's another temp position but will last for 6 months. Hopefully, that will give me long enough to have my foot in the door to apply for something internal when it comes up.
At any rate, I'll be working for the next six months and the pay is (almost) enough. Just won't be able to change the lifestyle much.

Still working on being happy by myself like a single person. Thing is, I don't feel like a single person. I still miss that voice to talk to before I go to sleep at night. I'm worried about not missing that anymore..

My hours will be much different than hers. I'll be working days and by the time I need to go to bed she will just be getting home; while I'm getting ready and heading off to work, she'll still be sound alseep.
I guess that will help.
But then, one must define the definition of "help".

So I'm outta here. First day of work. Then sun is just coming up and I should be home tonight before it goes down. That will be nice.