Nothing.....

I've been wanting to write something. But there's nothing there. Empty. Void.
I have thoughts, but can't get them out of me. They're stuck.
Inside. Rotting.

I listened again to the song I posted the other day.
I suppose it says it best.

Someone else's words.
Someone else's thoughts.
Yea.
I have nothing left worth offering...

*********************************


The dawn is breaking.
A light shining through...
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you....

I'm open, you're closed.
Where I follow, you'll go.
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again...

Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fills my mind.
I somehow find, you and I collide.....

I'm quiet, you know.
You make a first impression.
I find I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind.

Even the best fall down sometimes.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.
Out of the doubt that fill my mind.
I somehow find, you and I collide....

Don't stop here.
I lost my place.
I'm close behind....

Two Worlds Collide

How do you apologize to someone who can't hear you?
How do you tell them you've changed in every way possible?
How do you hope they, make them like you sober?

How do you make them fall in love with you all over again?

How do you say you're sorry...

Broken Part Two....

I am not.
I am not what other people think I am.
I am not what they want, hope, me to be.
It is fine until.
Until they get to know me.
Then they see my shortcomings.
My flaws.
My humaness (I know that's not a word).
My brokeness.
I want you, you know.
Want to be with you.
I want to trust you.
Am beginning to.
Do you know?
Your answer is, "No. No I don't."
I don't know what to do with that because
I know I can't change your mind.
Only you can.
I am broken.
I want someone to fix me.
I believe they can.
But that.
That is not true.
Only I can fix it.
And I don't know how.
I miss you.
I ache for you.
But you stand there.
Waiting to believe.
What are you waiting for?
Who are you waiting for?
Myself?
Or you?
ILY, you know.
With all my heart.
LY.....

Adrift in REM

I had a dream Thursday night and I've been meaning to write it down.
Now, I don't dream often -- or, at least, remember them.

Adrift in REM

I was hanging on. Everything was rocking.
Water all around me. And fog.
I held on until my knuckles were white.
I held on until my hands were numb.
Then something pushed my hands off;
It slipped under my fingers and pushed.

I went down.
Pressure.
Darkness all around me.
And I couldn't breath.

I pushed. I kicked. Suddenly, air.
I gasped. Nothing. Only fog.
A small patch of the fog cleared and I grabbed.

But it was different.
The same, but different.

My entire body jumped and I was awake.
And confused. And short of breath. A little scared.

I didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Broken

Sometimes I feel disappointed that no one reads these things except myself and one other person.
Other times, I guess it's not so bad. I'm kinda glad in some ways. Some of the stuff I type out is just plain crazy.
Does anyone else out there in cyber space read these? Anyone???
So anyway. I've been having another one of those bouts when I just don't feel so damn good. At all. About anything.
I have all these blessings around me and all I can feel is depressed.
Today I feel the clouds lifting a bit...but still, there is this feeling that something isn't quite right. And I don't know what it is. That's why it bothers me so much.
I'm trying to fix something that's been broken for a long time. And I don't know if it can be fixed. Or if it will be anything remotely resembling what it once was if it is fixed.
It reminds me of a statue I have. It's a horse. Just a ceramic statue that I bought at a garage sale a long long time ago.
Now, that statue has been with me through three moves.
Each time, I carefully wrapped it and carried it myself from place to place.
I wanted to be sure it didn't break. It means that much to me.
When I finally got to my last place, I set it in the living room, and there is was. My beautiful statue that made it through three moves without a scratch.
Now it sits with it's front legs glued on. It has been knocked over and broken twice.
When I look at it, I see it, in all it's glory, looking as beautiful as ever. But my heart sinks everytime I look at it now. It's front legs are broken. It is not the same.
It still brings me joy, but sadness, too, at the same time.
It stands there so brave and looking so proud. And so crippled.
There are times I feel it would be better if I just left things be. Maybe that's how they are supposed to be now. I can't recapture the past and bring it back to the present. That's just impossible.
If looking at old pictures and remembering old memories could do it, I would have it all back the way it was. But that's not going to happen.
And the more I try to do that, the more my sanity slips away; the more I forget to concentrate on the present and what I need to do now to ensure my future, even though it's not as I had pictured it. It's still mine, and it's all I have, like it or not.
And no one can change it for me. It has to be me.
I have the feeling that there is something I need to do. And I need to do it alone, no matter how afraid knowing that makes me feel.
That means I need to let go of some things. And I don't want to. I'm afraid.
But I know that if I don't, it will impair other things that need to happen; other people -- some I don't even know this is affecting -- from things they need to do. On their own. Alone.
Fear is what stops me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I think I know. Fear of making yet another mistake.
My life seems to be full of mistakes. I know I have some victories in there. But those mistakes. Those damn mistakes seem to stick out so much.
I don't want to live my life afraid. I don't what to live my life never trusting anyone ever again.
I want to be happy. I want this heaviness to go away.
Things are changing and I'm not. I need to change with them.
I need to change.
I need to look at my broken horse and learn to smile. It's still there. It's still being brave. In spite of the fact that it will forever be crippled, it still stands tall.

Real Life - Send Me An Angel (1983)

Destroyed

I have a million things rolling around inside of me.
A million things I want to say.
I don't even know where to begin.
I am empty.
I've given her exactly what she wants.
She's gotten exactly what she wants.
She wins.
But, more importantly, I lose.
Now she can honestly say this was my decision.
The responsibility is no longer her's.
She's tried to do this a thousand times before.
But I always fought it.
Why?
Because I know "time" does not make the heart grow fonder.
It makes you forget.
It gives you time to forget.
And I didn't want her to forget.
I can't fight her anymore.
She got what she wanted.
She calls it "time".
I call it something else.

You know exactly what you're doing.
You have no problem with giving me "time".
Days...weeks...months...
You know exactly what you're doing.

Politics

So here I am. A place to write and I don't even know what to say. Don't even know where to begin.
I'm supposed to talk about current events, politics. Because that's what I used to do. That's why she fell in love with me.
Ok.
Obama is still a jerk. He's still destroying our country. And now he's desperate because he knows he won't get re-elected. he's fucked up too much. Even the libs and the media have turned against him. About time they woke up.
So now he's done a complete turn-around and no one believes him. He's still full of shit. There are no jobs. And he's still doing nothing to create them. Just talk.
And then there's the whole pipeline debacle. Looks like they're forcing that no matter what anyone thinks about it.
A whole lot of people stand to make a whole lot of money from it, so it's going to happen. Period.
They've even ingratiated themselve's to UNL by sponsoring the Huskers. Isn't that nice? Go Big Red and all that...
Ok? Is that enough?
The reason I don't talk about politics and current events is because that's not what is important to me at the moment, believe it or not.
What is important to me at the moment is the politics of love.
What is important to me right now is my relationship with someone I still love very much. All I care about is fixing that. Having her look at me in a way she hasn't for a very very long time. Touching each other again in a way that makes us both forget the world. That's what is important to me right now.
I'm selfish.
I don't care about anything else at the moment. They could push the button and blow the whole damn world up and I wouldn't care.
Crazy? Yea. But so is this:
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That is the definition of "crazy".
I saw her tonight. I asked her to put my pop in the freezer for a little while because it had gotten warm on the drive up. Twenty minutes later I went to the freezer to get it and she has liquor in the freezer. Delicious liquor.
Hypocrite.
So when I get back into town I decide to stop at the liquor store on the way home. I mean, I could use a drink tonight.
I walk through the door and hear the loudest beep I've ever heard. The two guys behind the counter just look at each other.
They blew a breaker. Just the one that runs the cash registers. The lights are fine; the background music is still playing; all the coolers are lit and running.
Just the cash registers are down. They can't sell anything at the moment.
The second I walked through the door, they blew the breaker to their registers. Amazing.
I left and went home.
God works in very very VERY mysterious ways. VERY mysterious.
Sometimes he gets right up in your face.
Sometimes he saves your life.
So, my record is still clean. And in November it will have been a year. That, in itself, is a miracle. And what happened tonight is only further proof that I haven't done it alone. No person on this earth could have helped me. Not even myself.
I'm thinking of creating a new site here, again. As far as I know, there is only one person in cyber space that reads my blogs. And I'm willing to bet she has a headache after reading this one.
I hope she's got something for her migrane. What I wouldn't give for some good drugs, myself. My head hurts so bad at the moment. Ibuprofen isn't going to cut this. And my meds just put me to sleep. Boring.
So there's my blog about politics. But when you think about it, isn't everything politics really? Isn't everything a negotiation? Isn't it always about what you bring to the table?
I can handle all that life throws at me. But this, this I am having difficulty with.