Broken

Sometimes I feel disappointed that no one reads these things except myself and one other person.
Other times, I guess it's not so bad. I'm kinda glad in some ways. Some of the stuff I type out is just plain crazy.
Does anyone else out there in cyber space read these? Anyone???
So anyway. I've been having another one of those bouts when I just don't feel so damn good. At all. About anything.
I have all these blessings around me and all I can feel is depressed.
Today I feel the clouds lifting a bit...but still, there is this feeling that something isn't quite right. And I don't know what it is. That's why it bothers me so much.
I'm trying to fix something that's been broken for a long time. And I don't know if it can be fixed. Or if it will be anything remotely resembling what it once was if it is fixed.
It reminds me of a statue I have. It's a horse. Just a ceramic statue that I bought at a garage sale a long long time ago.
Now, that statue has been with me through three moves.
Each time, I carefully wrapped it and carried it myself from place to place.
I wanted to be sure it didn't break. It means that much to me.
When I finally got to my last place, I set it in the living room, and there is was. My beautiful statue that made it through three moves without a scratch.
Now it sits with it's front legs glued on. It has been knocked over and broken twice.
When I look at it, I see it, in all it's glory, looking as beautiful as ever. But my heart sinks everytime I look at it now. It's front legs are broken. It is not the same.
It still brings me joy, but sadness, too, at the same time.
It stands there so brave and looking so proud. And so crippled.
There are times I feel it would be better if I just left things be. Maybe that's how they are supposed to be now. I can't recapture the past and bring it back to the present. That's just impossible.
If looking at old pictures and remembering old memories could do it, I would have it all back the way it was. But that's not going to happen.
And the more I try to do that, the more my sanity slips away; the more I forget to concentrate on the present and what I need to do now to ensure my future, even though it's not as I had pictured it. It's still mine, and it's all I have, like it or not.
And no one can change it for me. It has to be me.
I have the feeling that there is something I need to do. And I need to do it alone, no matter how afraid knowing that makes me feel.
That means I need to let go of some things. And I don't want to. I'm afraid.
But I know that if I don't, it will impair other things that need to happen; other people -- some I don't even know this is affecting -- from things they need to do. On their own. Alone.
Fear is what stops me. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I think I know. Fear of making yet another mistake.
My life seems to be full of mistakes. I know I have some victories in there. But those mistakes. Those damn mistakes seem to stick out so much.
I don't want to live my life afraid. I don't what to live my life never trusting anyone ever again.
I want to be happy. I want this heaviness to go away.
Things are changing and I'm not. I need to change with them.
I need to change.
I need to look at my broken horse and learn to smile. It's still there. It's still being brave. In spite of the fact that it will forever be crippled, it still stands tall.