Another Day...

Another morning. I open my eyes. You are my first thought.

I have an interview this morning; my second interview. They called me back for a second. I really hope this works out. I need the money. I'm broke. Flat broke.

I've been thinking about the time towards the end when she accused me that all I cared about was her money, her retirement, her "net worth".

What I don't believe she realized then, or even now, is that I had no idea of her "net worth" until she told me. I didn't know what the numbers were. It never occurred to me to ask, "Hey, by the way, how much money you got?" Never crossed my mind.

I was already in love with her. I had been for a long time when this subject came up. Her money didn't mean anything to me. Money can't buy you someone to love you. But she thought that was what I wanted.

I didn't.

I wanted her.
I wanted to get old with her.

All I still want is her.

I have been diligent about trying to meet people, make friends. It takes a lot out of me. It's tiresome. I'm not really interested but I know if I don't, I'll lose what's left of my mind.

She is all I think about; all I talk about. To everyone. And I'm perceived as this poor thing with a broken heart and I'll get over it.

No, I won't.

No one gets it.

No one but her. And me. We get it. And I know that no matter what, she won't get over it; she won't forget me.

She wrote a blog about "A Work In Progress" a while back. She wrote some beautiful things in that blog. She wrote that she realized she'd been arrogant in her life much of the time. It sounded like she was changing; realizing what is really important in this life.

I know that huge changes in a person's life will make them realize these things; what's really important for their happiness; what they do and do not want.
She always told me, and wrote once, that what she really wanted was her love in her arms at night and her dog at her feet. Simple things, really. It was all I wanted, too.

And we had that. Then she took it away. She decided first that I didn't want her.
When she realized that wasn't true, she decided she didn't want me.

I'm afraid that she will never realize or care. I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again. I'm afraid her career, power, and all the choices around her will overwhelm her and she'll start lying to herself again.

I'm afraid she'll settle. She'll start searching what whatever it is she's looking for. I'm afraid she'll never realize that she already found it.
It was me. I'm still here.

I hope we both survive this long enough for her to realize it.

I'm here.
I Love You.