Shell Shocked

I feel like I need to write something.
I sit down and face the screen; my fingers are moving and I don't know what to say.
But I will try.
It's time I talked...

Here goes nuthin.

I just got back from having coffee with a friend. I'm trying to make friends again and I have one so far. Pretty big accomplishment for me.
I've been on sort of a mental hiatus for the past 72 hours. My friend referred to me as "shell shocked", and I do believe it's probably pretty accurate at this point.

I mean, I've been feeling kind of..numb..these last three days. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday.
Perhaps the fact that I haven't eaten in that time has something to do with it, as well. I've heard that prophets and great seers fast in order to have visions. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I don't know.
I just feel numb. Shell shocked. Best way to describe it..

I don't know what great words of wisdom I have to share. None, really. Only, that life is truly not fair.
No one plays by the rules, and the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how.
That's what my friend said to me tonight as we drank our coffee and watched the people go by, "..the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how."
How true that is.

I don't feel anger anymore. No panic. No fear. No sadness. I feel nothing.
The only knowledge I've come to realize is that..it's over. It's just over. Done.

She was cold and cruel and heartless by letting me hang on for a year and a half. This is true.
She was selfish when her aunt was dying a few weeks ago and she reached out to me. She invited me to her aunt's memorial when she passed away. I declined the offer.

I told her that in the almost five years we'd known each other, I'd only seen her parents and one of her sons, twice. And that was when we first met.

I asked her how she would introduce me to all these "strangers" when they asked who I was.
And she was silent.
That was my answer right there, although I didn't know it at the time..or refused to know it.

Needless to say, I ended up not going to the memorial. I don't even know when it was..last weekend..this weekend. No idea. And I suppose that's for the best.

What I'm doing right now, I guess, is knowing; not feeling. I think there's a difference. There seems to be, anyway.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I suppose this could be considered a small break down of sorts. I 'spose.
But I have my pets to take care of and a new job to find, I keep taking my meds, I've made one new friend, so maybe that's what keeps me going.
I don't know.

I don't know much at the  moment.
I'll let you know if I do...

Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
~BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth