On the subject of "enlightenment" or living in the "Now", I find myself lost. I bounce between the two. My biggest question at the moment is how do I do this, let go, have peace, without the aid of medication. How do I do this without an artificial means. This is what I mean when I say that I don't know who I am. Which one is the "real" me?
And my biggest dilemma, why. Oh God, why can't I just let this go? Why do I feel patronized? And why, oh why, do I get blasted when I am foolish enough to express how I really feel? Why do I keep hoping for a different result? Why am I insane?
The following is another quote from the book I am reading. This is from the chapter I seem to be stuck on at the moment. I keep reading and re-reading, looking for what, I have no idea.
I only want my love back. I only want the warm, soft response I so desperately need. But it becomes more and more apparent with time that it is one-sided.
I don't need to be hit with logic at this time. I need to feel loved again. Really loved.
~ ~ ~
"But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface.
Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings.
This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack.
At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them as a cover-up for your pain."
"Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is always there anyway.
Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room.
But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."
The Power Of Now
Eckhart Tolle
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Human Touch
The power of human touch is just amazing.
It can give hope; it can heal; it can give comfort and connection; it can save a life.
Infants denied of touch become withdrawn, weak, and fail to thrive--the name of an actual medical condition: failure to thrive. Does the same hold true throughout life?
We have our children, we hold our grandchildren. We hold a parents' hand. We have friends, we have company. These are all things that are sometimes taken for granted. Some people have none of these. What happens to them?
The power of just a hug, a touch, can be like food to someone who is starving. Its something we don't usually think about. The same holds true for conversation, being close to someone, a friend. Connection with another human being. We are not built to be alone. We are social animals.
At some point logic and reason of circumstances are overtaken by isolation and withdrawal when the latter becomes a way of life.
It can give hope; it can heal; it can give comfort and connection; it can save a life.
Infants denied of touch become withdrawn, weak, and fail to thrive--the name of an actual medical condition: failure to thrive. Does the same hold true throughout life?
We have our children, we hold our grandchildren. We hold a parents' hand. We have friends, we have company. These are all things that are sometimes taken for granted. Some people have none of these. What happens to them?
The power of just a hug, a touch, can be like food to someone who is starving. Its something we don't usually think about. The same holds true for conversation, being close to someone, a friend. Connection with another human being. We are not built to be alone. We are social animals.
At some point logic and reason of circumstances are overtaken by isolation and withdrawal when the latter becomes a way of life.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
On Days Like These
Today is one of those days.
One of those days when I wake up, thank God that I even woke up, and start my morning routine.
I wonder why these days even happen...
Its one of those days that I see everything with crystal clarity. I know what's real and what is not. I know what's true and what is false. I know what the situation really is and not what I pretend it to be. I know what's happening.
I don't fake it until make it on days like these. The blinders are off. I see things for what they really are.
On days like these I don't "fake it". I live in reality. In Now.
These days are thrown in here and there, seemingly on a random basis. Something happens, some event occurs and, boom. I wake up knowing. Just knowing.
Coming down from the full moon? Maybe. But isn't that finding some other cause? Blaming it on something else? A cop out? Could be. I hope so. I hope this is really me today. I haven't known myself too well for a long time. I've been away a lot. And when I do run into myself, we fight. Its a bit surreal whenever I come face to face with myself. I'm a little upset with me.
I've made a lot of dumb decisions, spur of the moment decisions. Rash decisions that have put me in the situation I'm in. I've broken the promises I made to myself. I've broken my own rules without thinking things through. I'm a little pissed off at me. Its an exhausting and very daunting task digging myself out of my own hole; the hole I dug for myself.
The wind is blowing hard outside today. Blowing hard and its cold; the clouds are moving in; its supposed to snow. And it echos the torrent inside me. I'm flung against the walls of the now-empty rooms inside my mind. And I fight the urge to recite the age-old mantra, if I knew then what I know now. But, I mean, really. Who doesn't do that occasionally?
Negative? Hell no, I'm not negative. Just pissed off at me today. But I'll take my meds and proceed into a drug-induced happy phase which will last as long as I remember to take them when I'm supposed to and not blow them off because I feel ok and think I don't need to. Jesus, I hate taking those pills.
I'm just insane, that's all. It's ok. I keep repeating the same patterns in my life over and over and over. And each time, I expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity.
And that's what I do.
I need to break out of this pattern. I did once, and it was good. The most significant success was no more meds. I didn't need them anymore. That's the day I'm shooting for again.
Until that time, I put one foot in front of the other; feet that feel as if they were made of lead. When I get tired, when it gets too much, on days like these I sit down and rest.
On days like these.
One of those days when I wake up, thank God that I even woke up, and start my morning routine.
I wonder why these days even happen...
Its one of those days that I see everything with crystal clarity. I know what's real and what is not. I know what's true and what is false. I know what the situation really is and not what I pretend it to be. I know what's happening.
I don't fake it until make it on days like these. The blinders are off. I see things for what they really are.
On days like these I don't "fake it". I live in reality. In Now.
These days are thrown in here and there, seemingly on a random basis. Something happens, some event occurs and, boom. I wake up knowing. Just knowing.
Coming down from the full moon? Maybe. But isn't that finding some other cause? Blaming it on something else? A cop out? Could be. I hope so. I hope this is really me today. I haven't known myself too well for a long time. I've been away a lot. And when I do run into myself, we fight. Its a bit surreal whenever I come face to face with myself. I'm a little upset with me.
I've made a lot of dumb decisions, spur of the moment decisions. Rash decisions that have put me in the situation I'm in. I've broken the promises I made to myself. I've broken my own rules without thinking things through. I'm a little pissed off at me. Its an exhausting and very daunting task digging myself out of my own hole; the hole I dug for myself.
The wind is blowing hard outside today. Blowing hard and its cold; the clouds are moving in; its supposed to snow. And it echos the torrent inside me. I'm flung against the walls of the now-empty rooms inside my mind. And I fight the urge to recite the age-old mantra, if I knew then what I know now. But, I mean, really. Who doesn't do that occasionally?
Negative? Hell no, I'm not negative. Just pissed off at me today. But I'll take my meds and proceed into a drug-induced happy phase which will last as long as I remember to take them when I'm supposed to and not blow them off because I feel ok and think I don't need to. Jesus, I hate taking those pills.
I'm just insane, that's all. It's ok. I keep repeating the same patterns in my life over and over and over. And each time, I expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity.
And that's what I do.
I need to break out of this pattern. I did once, and it was good. The most significant success was no more meds. I didn't need them anymore. That's the day I'm shooting for again.
Until that time, I put one foot in front of the other; feet that feel as if they were made of lead. When I get tired, when it gets too much, on days like these I sit down and rest.
On days like these.
Monday, January 9, 2012
On Quitting
I've tried to stop smoking several times in my life. About 4, I guess.
The best and most luck I had was when I was pregnant with my son. Two months in, smoking a cigarette make made me sick. So I stopped.
I had no withdrawals, which was surprising to me, and had no desire to smoke. I went 13 months without a cigarette.
When he was six months old, I decided to give it a try again. That first one tasted awful.
I should have never started again, and for the past 26 years I haven't stopped, with the exception of a 4-month break during one last futile attempt through the assistance of hypnosis.
The person I was living with and I decided to stop smoking. They made it, I didn't. And for the rest of the time we lived together, I was banished to the deck outside if I wanted to practice my habit.
I've recently entertained the thought of quitting again. This has been an exercise in frustration, fear, and yes: withdrawal.
I play the game that if I just have one, all the jitters and panic will go away and I'll be fine.
And I am for a while. But then, the habit just kicks in and its like I didn't even try. So I give up for a while; think about trying again later..
I have my triggers: getting up, going to bed, getting in the truck, letting the dogs out, sitting in front of the computer, sitting in front of the TV, after I get out of the bath.
So that's my 'list'. I could go on and on. Its been a part of my life for 41 years.
I never thought about a person being an actual trigger, though.
I'm on a 'list'.
And I wonder, even if I do manage to break this habit, will I still be on that list? Will I forever be connected to that habit?
Past experience has told me that, yes...yes, I will. But I need to remember that that was other times and other people. It wasn't Now. This could be different.
So, I just don't know.
The best and most luck I had was when I was pregnant with my son. Two months in, smoking a cigarette make made me sick. So I stopped.
I had no withdrawals, which was surprising to me, and had no desire to smoke. I went 13 months without a cigarette.
When he was six months old, I decided to give it a try again. That first one tasted awful.
I should have never started again, and for the past 26 years I haven't stopped, with the exception of a 4-month break during one last futile attempt through the assistance of hypnosis.
The person I was living with and I decided to stop smoking. They made it, I didn't. And for the rest of the time we lived together, I was banished to the deck outside if I wanted to practice my habit.
I've recently entertained the thought of quitting again. This has been an exercise in frustration, fear, and yes: withdrawal.
I play the game that if I just have one, all the jitters and panic will go away and I'll be fine.
And I am for a while. But then, the habit just kicks in and its like I didn't even try. So I give up for a while; think about trying again later..
I have my triggers: getting up, going to bed, getting in the truck, letting the dogs out, sitting in front of the computer, sitting in front of the TV, after I get out of the bath.
So that's my 'list'. I could go on and on. Its been a part of my life for 41 years.
I never thought about a person being an actual trigger, though.
I'm on a 'list'.
And I wonder, even if I do manage to break this habit, will I still be on that list? Will I forever be connected to that habit?
Past experience has told me that, yes...yes, I will. But I need to remember that that was other times and other people. It wasn't Now. This could be different.
So, I just don't know.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
And The Moon Is Full Tonight..
I've edited out several of my recent blogs for personal reasons.
They may show back up at a future date or they may not.
I have some self-healing to do at the moment; some 'soul searching', if you will.
Where this path will take me I have no way of knowing.
But it will be an odyssey. I just have that feeling about it.
Tonight, the moon is full and that's a lot of what is tearing me apart.
I feel and sense things more strongly at this time.
I know the truth more clearly.
People and things miles and miles away. I can feel them. Quite literally.
To this day, I don't understand why.
In the past, I've been laughed at, called a liar, called a fool because I can do these things.
Sometimes, I wish those accusations were true other than what is.
It is not a gift to sense these things; to feel them.
It is a curse.
They may show back up at a future date or they may not.
I have some self-healing to do at the moment; some 'soul searching', if you will.
Where this path will take me I have no way of knowing.
But it will be an odyssey. I just have that feeling about it.
Tonight, the moon is full and that's a lot of what is tearing me apart.
I feel and sense things more strongly at this time.
I know the truth more clearly.
People and things miles and miles away. I can feel them. Quite literally.
To this day, I don't understand why.
In the past, I've been laughed at, called a liar, called a fool because I can do these things.
Sometimes, I wish those accusations were true other than what is.
It is not a gift to sense these things; to feel them.
It is a curse.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Limits. I have them.
I've been thinking about this and how I'm going to approach it.
I wrote this last night. I decided to sleep on it.
Since its up here, I guess sleeping on it didn't change my mind.
I deleted some things; added a few. I tend to speak before I think at times, and that's something I'm putting an end to.
The past week, for me, has been an exercise in tolerance. Patience. Understanding. The whole "live and let live" thing.
And no, this isn't about "courage behind the keyboard". I'd say this to a person's face.
And I have. I have said it on more than one occasion.
People don't like that. They don't like hearing it.
Anymore, I pretty much just walk away from situations like this when in person. I walk away and shake my head.
Online, well, it's easier. I just make them *poof* disappear.
As I said, this has been a huge exercise in tolerance for me. I decided to give it a chance; give people a shot.
But there are still some things that make me uncomfortable.
Maybe I should be re-thinking some of the things I write. I know part of this is my responsibility.
You don't know me personally, so you don't really know where I'm coming from.
I stated things clearly without going into unnecessary detail in "Scuse Me" and I was hoping this would all turn out well. But even I have my limits.
So before anyone goes popping off at me, I suggest you go re-read that blog.
I have very strong views on bisexuals. Very.
However, its not my place to tell someone what I think about their lifestyle, because its THEIR lifestyle, not MINE.
I am gay. 100%.
No consideration given to any men. Ever.
No consideration given to any other women. Ever.
My heart is already spoken for.
And I'd tell someone to kiss my butt, in a heartbeat, if they ever assumed to tell me what they thought about MY lifestyle. And I have told people to kiss my butt and get a life.
But, that's not what I'm doing here. I'm trying to explain something. And I'm trying to do it nicely. That's a tremendous leap for me.
I know what I can and cannot tolerate. I didn't say "hate" and I didn't say "disapprove of".
I said tolerate.
Some things make me uncomfortable.
We all have our limits. You have them, too.
I also have very strong views on three-ways, swingers, and married couples/boyfriends and girlfriends who think they need a "third" to be complete.
My (ex)husband and I had a woman living with us for 4 years.
We had good times; we had bad times. It was a relationship. A weird, messed up and wrong relationship, for lack of a better word to use in public.
It ended in divorce and a one-way path to destruction.
And that's all the more detail you need.
Do I think it was a good idea? No.
Do I think it *added something* to our relationship? No.
Do I think it was a huge and twisted mistake? Yea.
I've never understood why people use the Internet in the way they do now. Just blows me away.
I don't understand what they expect to find when they advertise online for some things. A nice, wholesome, down-to-earth, decent woman is not going to go online to find a couple to have a "relationship" with.
But you will find about a million pervs. And then act shocked and disappointed when you do.
But I didn't say anything about three people living together. That would be between whomever the three consenting adults were. Not my life. Not my business.
I have no personal opinion on that regarding what others do. I only have accounts of my own experiences. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I just wouldn't suggest the Internet.
The same goes for bisexuals. I could go on for days about that. At this time, I choose not to. All it does is raise my blood pressure.
I have no idea how to even begin to approach the subject of the woman who blasted a reader about the reader's page.
But I can tell you this: I know exactly where she's coming from. Exactly. Been there. Been in that mind set.
Has anyone read her profile? She may have changed it by now. Or it may be just as it was when I read it last night.
We all have our breaking point. I've about reached mine.
I've really tried to be understanding; to be tolerant of other people's lifestyles. But if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. And that would be my problem, not yours.
Between the lesbian blasting the bisexual, and then the bisexual actually thinking she could HELP the lesbian with a broken heart, and the first official blog from someone else, outlining their search for a "third", my brain just went *pop*.
That was it. I'd reached my limit.
There is a lot I could say about the first part of that last paragraph. But I won't. It would serve no purpose.
I'm long past those days. Long past. And its none of my business.
I have other things to occupy my time, like keeping my current job and saving my house.
It's not about drama. I handled a lot more drama than this when all I blogged about was politics. A lot more.
This isn't even drama. It's..it's something else.
I don't care what people do to themselves anymore. I no longer need validation to know who I am.
And I don't care what other people do. I don't have control over any of that.
But I do have control over what I read.
That's why I'm posting this.
Some of the things I've been reading over the past week have really made me uncomfortable. Last night was just the last straw.
I know I've bragged about how there will always be people who won't see eye-to-eye on your views. Maybe I'm one of those people.
Maybe I'm one of those people who can't discuss the latest topics that have come up without eventually saying something that will offend someone else, or just blow my top altogether.
So instead, I will bow out.
You have all day to respond or not respond in any way you choose.
Chances are, after the responses, I won't have quite so many followers.
It's not personal. It's not a dis. It's not an attack.
Everyone in the world is free to do what they feel is best and healthy for them.
So do I.
And I have my limits.
I wrote this last night. I decided to sleep on it.
Since its up here, I guess sleeping on it didn't change my mind.
I deleted some things; added a few. I tend to speak before I think at times, and that's something I'm putting an end to.
The past week, for me, has been an exercise in tolerance. Patience. Understanding. The whole "live and let live" thing.
And no, this isn't about "courage behind the keyboard". I'd say this to a person's face.
And I have. I have said it on more than one occasion.
People don't like that. They don't like hearing it.
Anymore, I pretty much just walk away from situations like this when in person. I walk away and shake my head.
Online, well, it's easier. I just make them *poof* disappear.
As I said, this has been a huge exercise in tolerance for me. I decided to give it a chance; give people a shot.
But there are still some things that make me uncomfortable.
Maybe I should be re-thinking some of the things I write. I know part of this is my responsibility.
You don't know me personally, so you don't really know where I'm coming from.
I stated things clearly without going into unnecessary detail in "Scuse Me" and I was hoping this would all turn out well. But even I have my limits.
So before anyone goes popping off at me, I suggest you go re-read that blog.
I have very strong views on bisexuals. Very.
However, its not my place to tell someone what I think about their lifestyle, because its THEIR lifestyle, not MINE.
I am gay. 100%.
No consideration given to any men. Ever.
No consideration given to any other women. Ever.
My heart is already spoken for.
And I'd tell someone to kiss my butt, in a heartbeat, if they ever assumed to tell me what they thought about MY lifestyle. And I have told people to kiss my butt and get a life.
But, that's not what I'm doing here. I'm trying to explain something. And I'm trying to do it nicely. That's a tremendous leap for me.
I know what I can and cannot tolerate. I didn't say "hate" and I didn't say "disapprove of".
I said tolerate.
Some things make me uncomfortable.
We all have our limits. You have them, too.
I also have very strong views on three-ways, swingers, and married couples/boyfriends and girlfriends who think they need a "third" to be complete.
My (ex)husband and I had a woman living with us for 4 years.
We had good times; we had bad times. It was a relationship. A weird, messed up and wrong relationship, for lack of a better word to use in public.
It ended in divorce and a one-way path to destruction.
And that's all the more detail you need.
Do I think it was a good idea? No.
Do I think it *added something* to our relationship? No.
Do I think it was a huge and twisted mistake? Yea.
I've never understood why people use the Internet in the way they do now. Just blows me away.
I don't understand what they expect to find when they advertise online for some things. A nice, wholesome, down-to-earth, decent woman is not going to go online to find a couple to have a "relationship" with.
But you will find about a million pervs. And then act shocked and disappointed when you do.
But I didn't say anything about three people living together. That would be between whomever the three consenting adults were. Not my life. Not my business.
I have no personal opinion on that regarding what others do. I only have accounts of my own experiences. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I just wouldn't suggest the Internet.
The same goes for bisexuals. I could go on for days about that. At this time, I choose not to. All it does is raise my blood pressure.
I have no idea how to even begin to approach the subject of the woman who blasted a reader about the reader's page.
But I can tell you this: I know exactly where she's coming from. Exactly. Been there. Been in that mind set.
Has anyone read her profile? She may have changed it by now. Or it may be just as it was when I read it last night.
We all have our breaking point. I've about reached mine.
I've really tried to be understanding; to be tolerant of other people's lifestyles. But if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. And that would be my problem, not yours.
Between the lesbian blasting the bisexual, and then the bisexual actually thinking she could HELP the lesbian with a broken heart, and the first official blog from someone else, outlining their search for a "third", my brain just went *pop*.
That was it. I'd reached my limit.
There is a lot I could say about the first part of that last paragraph. But I won't. It would serve no purpose.
I'm long past those days. Long past. And its none of my business.
I have other things to occupy my time, like keeping my current job and saving my house.
It's not about drama. I handled a lot more drama than this when all I blogged about was politics. A lot more.
This isn't even drama. It's..it's something else.
I don't care what people do to themselves anymore. I no longer need validation to know who I am.
And I don't care what other people do. I don't have control over any of that.
But I do have control over what I read.
That's why I'm posting this.
Some of the things I've been reading over the past week have really made me uncomfortable. Last night was just the last straw.
I know I've bragged about how there will always be people who won't see eye-to-eye on your views. Maybe I'm one of those people.
Maybe I'm one of those people who can't discuss the latest topics that have come up without eventually saying something that will offend someone else, or just blow my top altogether.
So instead, I will bow out.
You have all day to respond or not respond in any way you choose.
Chances are, after the responses, I won't have quite so many followers.
It's not personal. It's not a dis. It's not an attack.
Everyone in the world is free to do what they feel is best and healthy for them.
So do I.
And I have my limits.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
The Definition of Irony
When the actual meaning is the exact opposite of the literal meaning.
She tells me that in order to keep her sanity, she needs this done.
I tell her that in order to keep my sanity, I need this to work.
She tells me that in order to keep her sanity, she needs this done.
I tell her that in order to keep my sanity, I need this to work.
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