On Quitting

I've tried to stop smoking several times in my life. About 4, I guess.
The best and most luck I had was when I was pregnant with my son. Two months in, smoking a cigarette make made me sick. So I stopped.

I had no withdrawals, which was surprising to me, and had no desire to smoke. I went 13 months without a cigarette.
When he was six months old, I decided to give it a try again. That first one tasted awful.
I should have never started again, and for the past 26 years I haven't stopped, with the exception of a 4-month break during one last futile attempt through the assistance of hypnosis.

The person I was living with and I decided to stop smoking. They made it, I didn't. And for the rest of the time we lived together, I was banished to the deck outside if I wanted to practice my habit.

I've recently entertained the thought of quitting again. This has been an exercise in frustration, fear, and yes: withdrawal.
I play the game that if I just have one, all the jitters and panic will go away and I'll be fine.
And I am for a while. But then, the habit just kicks in and its like I didn't even try. So I give up for a while; think about trying again later..

I have my triggers: getting up, going to bed, getting in the truck, letting the dogs out, sitting in front of the computer, sitting in front of the TV, after I get out of the bath.
So that's my 'list'. I could go on and on. Its been a part of my life for 41 years.

I never thought about a person being an actual trigger, though.
I'm on a 'list'.
And I wonder, even if I do manage to break this habit, will I still be on that list? Will I forever be connected to that habit?

Past experience has told me that, yes...yes, I will. But I need to remember that that was other times and other people. It wasn't Now. This could be different.
So, I just don't know.