Ego ~ When Two Worlds Colide

On the subject of "enlightenment" or living in the "Now", I find myself lost. I bounce between the two. My biggest question at the moment is how do I do this, let go, have peace, without the aid of medication. How do I do this without an artificial means. This is what I mean when I say that I don't know who I am. Which one is the "real" me?

And my biggest dilemma, why. Oh God, why can't I just let this go? Why do I feel patronized? And why, oh why, do I get blasted when I am foolish enough to express how I really feel? Why do I keep hoping for a different result? Why am I insane?

The following is another quote from the book I am reading. This is from the chapter I seem to be stuck on at the moment. I keep reading and re-reading, looking for what, I have no idea.

I only want my love back. I only want the warm, soft response I so desperately need. But it becomes more and more apparent with time that it is one-sided.
I don't need to be hit with logic at this time. I need to feel loved again. Really loved.

~ ~ ~

"But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface.
Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings.
This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack.
At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them as a cover-up for your pain."

"Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is always there anyway.
Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room.
But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

The Power Of Now
Eckhart Tolle