On Days Like These

Today is one of those days.
One of those days when I wake up, thank God that I even woke up, and start my morning routine.
I wonder why these days even happen...

Its one of those days that I see everything with crystal clarity. I know what's real and what is not. I know what's true and what is false. I know what the situation really is and not what I pretend it to be. I know what's happening.

I don't fake it until make it on days like these. The blinders are off. I see things for what they really are.
On days like these I don't "fake it". I live in reality. In Now.

These days are thrown in here and there, seemingly on a random basis. Something happens, some event occurs and, boom. I wake up knowing. Just knowing.

Coming down from the full moon? Maybe. But isn't that finding some other cause? Blaming it on something else? A cop out? Could be. I hope so. I hope this is really me today. I haven't known myself too well for a long time. I've been away a lot. And when I do run into myself, we fight. Its a bit surreal whenever I come face to face with myself. I'm a little upset with me.

I've made a lot of dumb decisions, spur of the moment decisions. Rash decisions that have put me in the situation I'm in. I've broken the promises I made to myself. I've broken my own rules without thinking things through. I'm a little pissed off at me. Its an exhausting and very daunting task digging myself out of my own hole; the hole I dug for myself.

The wind is blowing hard outside today. Blowing hard and its cold; the clouds are moving in; its supposed to snow. And it echos the torrent inside me. I'm flung against the walls of the now-empty rooms inside my mind. And I fight the urge to recite the age-old mantra, if I knew then what I know now. But, I mean, really. Who doesn't do that occasionally?

Negative? Hell no, I'm not negative. Just pissed off at me today. But I'll take my meds and proceed into a drug-induced happy phase which will last as long as I remember to take them when I'm supposed to and not blow them off because I feel ok and think I don't need to. Jesus, I hate taking those pills.

I'm just insane, that's all. It's ok. I keep repeating the same patterns in my life over and over and over. And each time, I expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity.
And that's what I do.

I need to break out of this pattern. I did once, and it was good. The most significant success was no more meds. I didn't need them anymore. That's the day I'm shooting for again.
Until that time, I put one foot in front of the other; feet that feel as if they were made of lead. When I get tired, when it gets too much, on days like these I sit down and rest.
On days like these.