Sunday Thoughts

It's been one hell of a weekend.
I woke up a little tired this morning, but no more than usual. I've had a lot to think about in the past few days.

Friday, I got the call that they've laid us all off at a job I've only had for three months. So here I am, unemployed again, and looking for work in a town that has none. Back in the same boat.
I'd be lying to you if I said that didn't bother me a little. Or a lot.

Then, I spend the weekend dealing with some born-again nut job who decided to start writing to me at my personal email address.

He continued to poke fun at my blog "To Pray" and kept saying how he was going "through" his wife having brain cancer and he'd have to pray a lot to go "through" this.
Each time, putting quotes around the word "through" because I used that word a lot in my blog.
Insinuating that I had things to go "through", myself.
Really? Ya think??

It took a lot to not write back in his own language and ask him if maybe his wife's cancer wasn't the Lord testing him to see how he'd act in the valley when things weren't going so good as opposed to standing on the mountaintop when things were great.
But I didn't. I just banned him from my blog.
Poor devil. He must really be going through some crap right now to lash out at me like that. Anyway...

I decided that this Sunday was as good as any other Sunday, so I wrote myself a little sermon in The Wilderness.
Its a good thing that I'm not a preacher because I'd be calling a LOT of people out on a LOT of things.
I hate pharisees. Just hate 'em. Always have. There's a lot of them out there.

And on that note, I'll leave you with some food for thought --

Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because we are all fighting a battle.

Dreams

You called and we were talking and laughing and having a great time.
There was a softness to your voice.
I said I hadn't heard you sound this good in a long time and why you were in such a good mood.
Hearing my own voice prompted me to open my eyes.
And I realized.
I had been dreaming.
So I closed them again.
And cried myself back to sleep.

There Are Times...

There are times in Real Life that you just want to check out.
Times you just want to forget about the whole thing.

Oh, I'll be back. Don't worry about that.
I don't know whether that's a threat or a promise at this point.
But I'll be back.

For now, I'm checking out.
Mental vacation, so to speak.
Can't take anymore at this particular point.

I wish every one well out there.
I hope you all succeed in your goals.

But me, I'm outta here.

The hardest things to forget
Are the ones that never happened...

Text

A little thing like a text. Just a text saying, "why did you wake me up?" Can mean so much when you're running a fever and sicker than a dog and all alone.
It means someone cares. It means someone still loves you.
I love you.

Sicker Than A Dog

I am sick. This flu has me in its grip. Tried to go in yesterday and was sent home. I must really look bad.
My entire body aches, my head feels like it will explode. I'm in the bathroom all the time. I'm living off Theraflu and water, and sometimes ibuprofen and clear pop. That's about it. I don't have any Tylenol.
I can't afford this. I can't afford to miss work. But what else can I do.
I wish to God I had someone to hold me; someone here to take care of me.
Just so I wouldn't be alone through this.

Them And Us

Life can really throw you for a loop sometimes. Things can be going along great--or, at least you think they are--and without warning, everything can seemingly go to hell.
The thing is, there are no guarantees in this world. And that's what trips me up most of the time.

Dealing with people is not my strong suit. They are overcome with flaws, undependable, and disappointing. I often lose sight of the fact that I am the same way. I am human, too, and I expect others to understand that while I don't understand that about themselves. Rather a vicious circle, to be honest.

I spend the majority of my time alone. Partly, my decision; partly the decision of others. I don't seem to be the first choice of company or conversation. I'm viewed as toxic. And who's fault is that? As hard as it is to accept, its mine.

For a while now--months, actually--I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to leave. Just go. Get out. Move away. Disappear. Who would notice? Who would care? I've truly gotten to the point where I believe: no one.

My son has asked why. And my only answer to him is, "Come with me." I was not all that surprised after talking to him last night that his situation is not that dissimilar to mine. We live our lives parallel. Sometimes that's frightening. Sometimes its comforting.

We both had big blow ups with our "others" at the same time last night. I called him just as he was considering calling me. What are the odds? To some, this would seem coincidence. To us, this is common.

And we talked. And we cried. And we talked some more. So many of the same topics: relationship, money, lost, confused, approaching desperation. We both wanted to be left alone. We both wanted to talk. We reached a compromise. And somehow that I'm not sure about even this morning, we talked each other down from the edge of that cliff.

And here I am in the middle of the week. I'm going to work but, with every fiber of my being, I don't want to. I want to get in the car and drive. Just drive. To where, I'm not sure. West. Maybe west. West until there is no more cold, no more snow. West until it is hot. Just west. As far away from here and the pain, the failure, the disappointment, the defeat as I can get.

But will I actually do it? No. At least, not now. Not right now. There's no money. Not even enough to pay the bills. And I can't leave my son here. And strong as he is, as capable of survival on his own--as capable as I am--we are each other's rock. Neither of us will admit it to the other or to ourselves. But this fact remains painfully true.
Our lives are parallel. So how, how in the world, could I actually run away?

Wednesday

Feeling better today. Fever broke.
Back to work.
Still a little achy but going back unless they send me home.
This check will be a short one as it is.
And I need the money.
So here I go.

Real life, don't fail me now.

Sick

So now I have the flue, of all things. Nice.
It started hitting me at work around 5:30 last night and by 6:15 I was outta there. Wonderful.
Went home, took Theraful, passed out.
Today? Enitre body aches, headache, freezing to death and the heat is turned all the way up.
Tried to call in but got voice mail. Will try again later unless I get a call back.

Can I afford to take time off work? No.
Anyone around to go to the store and get more Theraflu? No.
Anyone know or care that I'm sick? No.
Call my son on his day off to help me out? Hell, no.

And that's it for my options.
The only thing left is to put myself together and go.
Real life sucks sometimes.

TGIMonday

Today is Monday and its back to work. Thank God. Something else to think about.
I'm hoping for another 40-hour week. Its after 10:30a and I haven't received a "no work" call as of yet, so that's a good sign. A lot of us are wondering when (not "if") that call will come....

Surrender

Nothing much to say on a Sunday night. This weekend has been a study in the human mind with too much time alone. You can really make yourself believe some weird things.
But the mind, itself, doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not.
It depends on external circumstances; what the eyes see, what the ears hear.
From there, it draws its conclusions.

*   *   *

"Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."

The Power Of Now

Ego ~ When Two Worlds Colide

On the subject of "enlightenment" or living in the "Now", I find myself lost. I bounce between the two. My biggest question at the moment is how do I do this, let go, have peace, without the aid of medication. How do I do this without an artificial means. This is what I mean when I say that I don't know who I am. Which one is the "real" me?

And my biggest dilemma, why. Oh God, why can't I just let this go? Why do I feel patronized? And why, oh why, do I get blasted when I am foolish enough to express how I really feel? Why do I keep hoping for a different result? Why am I insane?

The following is another quote from the book I am reading. This is from the chapter I seem to be stuck on at the moment. I keep reading and re-reading, looking for what, I have no idea.

I only want my love back. I only want the warm, soft response I so desperately need. But it becomes more and more apparent with time that it is one-sided.
I don't need to be hit with logic at this time. I need to feel loved again. Really loved.

~ ~ ~

"But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface.
Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings.
This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack.
At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them as a cover-up for your pain."

"Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is always there anyway.
Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room.
But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

The Power Of Now
Eckhart Tolle

Human Touch

The power of human touch is just amazing.
It can give hope; it can heal; it can give comfort and connection; it can save a life.

Infants denied of touch become withdrawn, weak, and fail to thrive--the name of an actual medical condition: failure to thrive. Does the same hold true throughout life?

We have our children, we hold our grandchildren. We hold a parents' hand. We have friends, we have company. These are all things that are sometimes taken for granted. Some people have none of these. What happens to them?

The power of just a hug, a touch, can be like food to someone who is starving. Its something we don't usually think about. The same holds true for conversation, being close to someone, a friend. Connection with another human being. We are not built to be alone. We are social animals.

At some point logic and reason of circumstances are overtaken by isolation and withdrawal when the latter becomes a way of life.

On Days Like These

Today is one of those days.
One of those days when I wake up, thank God that I even woke up, and start my morning routine.
I wonder why these days even happen...

Its one of those days that I see everything with crystal clarity. I know what's real and what is not. I know what's true and what is false. I know what the situation really is and not what I pretend it to be. I know what's happening.

I don't fake it until make it on days like these. The blinders are off. I see things for what they really are.
On days like these I don't "fake it". I live in reality. In Now.

These days are thrown in here and there, seemingly on a random basis. Something happens, some event occurs and, boom. I wake up knowing. Just knowing.

Coming down from the full moon? Maybe. But isn't that finding some other cause? Blaming it on something else? A cop out? Could be. I hope so. I hope this is really me today. I haven't known myself too well for a long time. I've been away a lot. And when I do run into myself, we fight. Its a bit surreal whenever I come face to face with myself. I'm a little upset with me.

I've made a lot of dumb decisions, spur of the moment decisions. Rash decisions that have put me in the situation I'm in. I've broken the promises I made to myself. I've broken my own rules without thinking things through. I'm a little pissed off at me. Its an exhausting and very daunting task digging myself out of my own hole; the hole I dug for myself.

The wind is blowing hard outside today. Blowing hard and its cold; the clouds are moving in; its supposed to snow. And it echos the torrent inside me. I'm flung against the walls of the now-empty rooms inside my mind. And I fight the urge to recite the age-old mantra, if I knew then what I know now. But, I mean, really. Who doesn't do that occasionally?

Negative? Hell no, I'm not negative. Just pissed off at me today. But I'll take my meds and proceed into a drug-induced happy phase which will last as long as I remember to take them when I'm supposed to and not blow them off because I feel ok and think I don't need to. Jesus, I hate taking those pills.

I'm just insane, that's all. It's ok. I keep repeating the same patterns in my life over and over and over. And each time, I expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity.
And that's what I do.

I need to break out of this pattern. I did once, and it was good. The most significant success was no more meds. I didn't need them anymore. That's the day I'm shooting for again.
Until that time, I put one foot in front of the other; feet that feel as if they were made of lead. When I get tired, when it gets too much, on days like these I sit down and rest.
On days like these.

On Quitting

I've tried to stop smoking several times in my life. About 4, I guess.
The best and most luck I had was when I was pregnant with my son. Two months in, smoking a cigarette make made me sick. So I stopped.

I had no withdrawals, which was surprising to me, and had no desire to smoke. I went 13 months without a cigarette.
When he was six months old, I decided to give it a try again. That first one tasted awful.
I should have never started again, and for the past 26 years I haven't stopped, with the exception of a 4-month break during one last futile attempt through the assistance of hypnosis.

The person I was living with and I decided to stop smoking. They made it, I didn't. And for the rest of the time we lived together, I was banished to the deck outside if I wanted to practice my habit.

I've recently entertained the thought of quitting again. This has been an exercise in frustration, fear, and yes: withdrawal.
I play the game that if I just have one, all the jitters and panic will go away and I'll be fine.
And I am for a while. But then, the habit just kicks in and its like I didn't even try. So I give up for a while; think about trying again later..

I have my triggers: getting up, going to bed, getting in the truck, letting the dogs out, sitting in front of the computer, sitting in front of the TV, after I get out of the bath.
So that's my 'list'. I could go on and on. Its been a part of my life for 41 years.

I never thought about a person being an actual trigger, though.
I'm on a 'list'.
And I wonder, even if I do manage to break this habit, will I still be on that list? Will I forever be connected to that habit?

Past experience has told me that, yes...yes, I will. But I need to remember that that was other times and other people. It wasn't Now. This could be different.
So, I just don't know.

And The Moon Is Full Tonight..

I've edited out several of my recent blogs for personal reasons.
They may show back up at a future date or they may not.

I have some self-healing to do at the moment; some 'soul searching', if you will.
Where this path will take me I have no way of knowing.
But it will be an odyssey. I just have that feeling about it.

Tonight, the moon is full and that's a lot of what is tearing me apart.
I feel and sense things more strongly at this time.
I know the truth more clearly.

People and things miles and miles away. I can feel them. Quite literally.
To this day, I don't understand why.
In the past, I've been laughed at, called a liar, called a fool because I can do these things.

Sometimes, I wish those accusations were true other than what is.
It is not a gift to sense these things; to feel them.
It is a curse.

Limits. I have them.

I've been thinking about this and how I'm going to approach it.
I wrote this last night. I decided to sleep on it.
Since its up here, I guess sleeping on it didn't change my mind.
I deleted some things; added a few. I tend to speak before I think at times, and that's something I'm putting an end to.

The past week, for me, has been an exercise in tolerance. Patience. Understanding. The whole "live and let live" thing.
And no, this isn't about "courage behind the keyboard". I'd say this to a person's face.
And I have. I have said it on more than one occasion.
People don't like that. They don't like hearing it.

Anymore, I pretty much just walk away from situations like this when in person. I walk away and shake my head.
Online, well, it's easier. I just make them *poof* disappear.

As I said, this has been a huge exercise in tolerance for me. I decided to give it a chance; give people a shot.
But there are still some things that make me uncomfortable.
Maybe I should be re-thinking some of the things I write. I know part of this is my responsibility.

You don't know me personally, so you don't really know where I'm coming from.
I stated things clearly without going into unnecessary detail in "Scuse Me" and I was hoping this would all turn out well. But even I have my limits.
So before anyone goes popping off at me, I suggest you go re-read that blog.

I have very strong views on bisexuals. Very.
However, its not my place to tell someone what I think about their lifestyle, because its THEIR lifestyle, not MINE.
I am gay. 100%.
No consideration given to any men. Ever.
No consideration given to any other women. Ever.
My heart is already spoken for.
And I'd tell someone to kiss my butt, in a heartbeat, if they ever assumed to tell me what they thought about MY lifestyle. And I have told people to kiss my butt and get a life.

But, that's not what I'm doing here. I'm trying to explain something. And I'm trying to do it nicely. That's a tremendous leap for me.
I know what I can and cannot tolerate. I didn't say "hate" and I didn't say "disapprove of".
I said tolerate.
Some things make me uncomfortable.
We all have our limits. You have them, too.

I also have very strong views on three-ways, swingers, and married couples/boyfriends and girlfriends who think they need a "third" to be complete.

My (ex)husband and I had a woman living with us for 4 years.
We had good times; we had bad times. It was a relationship. A weird, messed up and wrong relationship, for lack of a better word to use in public.
It ended in divorce and a one-way path to destruction.
And that's all the more detail you need.
Do I think it was a good idea? No.
Do I think it *added something* to our relationship? No.
Do I think it was a huge and twisted mistake? Yea.

I've never understood why people use the Internet in the way they do now. Just blows me away.
I don't understand what they expect to find when they advertise online for some things. A nice, wholesome, down-to-earth, decent woman is not going to go online to find a couple to have a "relationship" with.
But you will find about a million pervs. And then act shocked and disappointed when you do.

But I didn't say anything about three people living together. That would be between whomever the three consenting adults were. Not my life. Not my business.
I have no personal opinion on that regarding what others do. I only have accounts of my own experiences. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I just wouldn't suggest the Internet.

The same goes for bisexuals. I could go on for days about that. At this time, I choose not to. All it does is raise my blood pressure.
I have no idea how to even begin to approach the subject of the woman who blasted a reader about the reader's page.
But I can tell you this: I know exactly where she's coming from. Exactly. Been there. Been in that mind set.
Has anyone read her profile? She may have changed it by now. Or it may be just as it was when I read it last night.

We all have our breaking point. I've about reached mine.
I've really tried to be understanding; to be tolerant of other people's lifestyles. But if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. And that would be my problem, not yours.

Between the lesbian blasting the bisexual, and then the bisexual actually thinking she could HELP the lesbian with a broken heart, and the first official blog from someone else, outlining their search for a "third", my brain just went *pop*.
That was it. I'd reached my limit.

There is a lot I could say about the first part of that last paragraph. But I won't. It would serve no purpose.
I'm long past those days. Long past. And its none of my business.
I have other things to occupy my time, like keeping my current job and saving my house.

It's not about drama. I handled a lot more drama than this when all I blogged about was politics. A lot more.
This isn't even drama. It's..it's something else.

I don't care what people do to themselves anymore. I no longer need validation to know who I am.
And I don't care what other people do. I don't have control over any of that.
But I do have control over what I read.
That's why I'm posting this.

Some of the things I've been reading over the past week have really made me uncomfortable. Last night was just the last straw.
I know I've bragged about how there will always be people who won't see eye-to-eye on your views. Maybe I'm one of those people.
Maybe I'm one of those people who can't discuss the latest topics that have come up without eventually saying something that will offend someone else, or just blow my top altogether.
So instead, I will bow out.

You have all day to respond or not respond in any way you choose.
Chances are, after the responses, I won't have quite so many followers.
It's not personal. It's not a dis. It's not an attack.
Everyone in the world is free to do what they feel is best and healthy for them.
So do I.
And I have my limits.