Hoops...

I fear sometimes that I won't get through this. No. Wait. That's wrong.
I fear sometimes that I know I won't get through this.
I know that I won't. That's what I fear:
The rest of my existence.

I didn't say "life", I said "existence", because that's all it will be.
I found my other half.
But fate has this ugly and cruel way of ripping the world right out from under your feet.
I want to bleed all over the Internet. I want to hemorrhage all over the page...

Sad, hu? Yea. I guess it is.
I have no friends. Not a single one.
No one to talk to; to tell.
And no one can help me. I know that.

I need to get this crazy thought out of my head that she can still help me; that she still loves me; that she still cares..
Because she doesn't. She's said so a million times.
But I won't listen, and it's driving her crazy.

So she's there, 50 miles away. Not smoking. That's good. It's been her biggest demon these past several months. I'm glad she's gotten it beat.
I had hoped she would concede to help me quit smoking, too, after she got it under control. After all, she would know what I would be going through.

But, no. She doesn't care.
It wasn't enough for me to stop drinking in order for her to take me back.
That wasn't enough because she thought I wouldn't do it.
But I did.
So she had to come up with something else.
Smoking.
Now, there's one I can't beat.

She's afraid of the fact that I need her; that she needs me.
She's afraid because she's found what she's been looking for in me.
We were made for each other.

She's the only who knows what that means....