Playing With Fire

I don't know who I am anymore.

For the past year and a half, I've been fighting for something I thought still exists, only to learn in the end that I was kept holding on until she could find someone else. These were my worst fears.

I knew this is what she would do to me. I knew it in my heart.
And I knew it in a way that I can't explain to the average person.

I saw little fleeting glimpses of it in small moments of clarity that would flash the future behind my eyes like a movie and then be gone..
I don't know how to explain it but she would know what I mean.

I'd try to fight these things; these moments of clarity. But it makes no difference. The situation unfolds the same. They have my whole life.

The harder I fight against what I know will happen anyway, the worse it is. But giving in to what I already know will be is like giving up too soon.
I keep feeling that if I can see the future, then why can't I change it? What is the point in seeing it if I can't change it?
What the hell is the point??

Its not a gift, its a curse, this thing that I do. I've fought all my life to control it, but to no avail. I've tried everything; drinking, drugs, all just to dull the edge; quiet the knowing; numb the pain. But nothing helps.

She is the only person who could do, truly do, what I can do. She is the only person who believed me and didn't look at me like I was some kind of freak or off the edge because I thought I could.
She didn't look at me like I was psychotic. Everyone else does.

I wonder once in a while if some of the people walking this earth who are classified as depressed, psychotic, or hear voices are really not sick at all.
I wonder if they just don't have abilities that western science doesn't understand; won't accept.
Or they won't accept, themselves.
Easier to throw a pill at it and numb it out. But, the thing is, that just doesn't work.

I can recount thousands of events in my life when I was spot on with things that happened, situations that have gone down, things I've known without any logical reason for knowing. All the way down to telling my mom to answer the phone before it rang. That used to drive her crazy.

I've been accused of planting ideas in peoples' minds by telling them what I knew or reading their cards.
I've been called a trouble maker, a freak, and yes, I've been considered unstable by a lot of people.

No one understands what its like to walk into a room and hear what everyone is thinking. No one believes me.
It is assumed that I am "paranoid and give people too much credit".
Easier to explain away like that.

She is the only person I've met who believes me. She can do these things, too, and I've seen her do them. When we were together, we were like a magnet. Our abilities were amplified a thousand percent. It is something I'll never forget.

But, today is Friday and I should be excited for the weekend. But for what?
I have no one to share it with. And I should be sharing it with her.
But she's not here.
She's there.
And she's there with someone else.

And I keep hoping that I can hold out until she realizes her mistake.
I keep holding out while I can feel what she's doing fifty miles away.
I keep hoping she feels me, too, and hasn't blocked me out.

I keep holding on.
Because its all I can do.