To My Immortal

I feel like she's still here. With me. In my heart.
I've been thinking about her so much tonight since I got home. Missing her. Loving her. Wondering what she's doing right now.
I know she's at work. She used to call me every chance she got. It feels like yesterday, but it was a long long time ago. Years ago.
Yet, it feels like yesterday. It feels..right.
It gives me chills.
Is this what it feels like to go insane?

She told me on Sunday that its over. Finished. Done.
"I go my way and you go yours."
She's through with me. She's moved on. She's a different person.
But I can still feel her.
She's seeing someone else.

I have never dealt with this before.
The more time that passes, the harder it gets.
The more time that passes, the more I miss her.
Its not getting better. I'm trying but its not getting better.
Is this what it feels like to be in love; to need, really need your soul mate?

I can't accept this and I worry about what I will become.
The only thing that makes sense to me, the only thing that feels right, is thinking about her, loving her, and waiting for her to come back to me.
We could live somewhere else. Somewhere closer to where she lives.
She has her career. She has her family. Her grandchildren.
I thought they would be my grandchildren, too.
But they are not.

I haven't seen any of her family in years.
It will be five years we've been together (in my heart) this fall. September 1st.
And I haven't seen any of her family in almost that long. Why?
Now she is finished with me; doesn't want me anymore.
And her family didn't even know me. Five years.
I never really existed for any of them.
That is frightening.

Did she keep me away from them for a reason?
Was I being tested out? Tried on for size?
No. I don't think so. I think she really loves me. I think she always has.
I can't use the past-tense of the word because it doesn't feel right.
It feels wrong.

She's still here. Still here in my heart. And I can't let her go.
I know she will want me back.
I know that I know that I know she will want me back.
And all the reality around me; all the circumstances around me say,
"No. No she won't."

"It is finished. It is done. It is long since over."

But its not. I know its not. I believe its not. And I can't change.
I can feel her. I know she still loves me. I know she is lying when she says its over.
Because its not. Not for me.

This isn't drama.
This isn't obsession.
I'm dead serious.
Have I lost my mind?

To be unable to live in reality?
To withdraw and believe in a time that's long since past because the pain of the reality is so intense?
So crippling?
Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't remember things that I should remember. It makes my job more difficult than it should be because I know how to do my job.
But I have to be careful. I have to keep my shit together when I'm there. Make sure I take my meds in the morning and again at lunch to keep myself somewhat level.
I'm not permanent there. I'm only a temp and can be let go at any time for any reason. I'm not safe.

These are the Ides Of March. Tonght. March 15th. These are the Ides Of March.
And if I really am not of my right mind anymore, what am I really capable of?