Learning The Meaning Of Irony

I know the meaning of the word. I just hate living through the situations that come up that it applies to.
Am I "well" yet? Probably not. Am I "feeling better"? Um, yea. I guess so.
Do I still love her? Do I still miss her? Hell yes, I do.
Will I most likely forever? Yep.
Will I meet someone one of these days that will distract my attention?
God in Heaven. If I'm lucky.
Will she be Toni? No.
Will I want her to be Toni? No.

Just like Toni found in my absence,
her happiness,
So, too, shall I find mine.

This is as positive as I can get at the moment.
There is hope in these words if you look very hard and read between the lines.
I will survive.
This, too, shall pass.

I Wish I Could Make You Love Me Again...

But I can't, can I? It's just...gone...isn't it?
The grip you have in my mind is weakening. I don't like it. It scares me.
I don't want to forget you, Toni.
I don't want to forget..
And if I don't, the next step is ECT. To forget. That I love you.
Now, that's insane. There's nothing wrong with me and the world is trying to MAKE something wrong with me.
That's what's crazy. Not me.

Nardil

Now, there is an interesting little old-school MAOI inhibitor...
Just a little orange pill. Like ECT without the electricity.
The doctor said it is the last-ditch effort; the precursor to the afore mentioned....

The side effects are interesting. The loss of short-term memory during treatment.
But then, my short-term memory has been shot for years.
Then there's the loss of recent long-term memory. This is appealing....

In theory, when I come out on the other side of this, if the drug did it's job on the chemicals in my brain,
I will forget that I love her.
I will remember her, but the chains in my mind that I can't break, myself, will be gone.

Just like when she had cancer and went through the chemo.
It affected her mind.
And it made her forget that she loves me.
The chemo made her forget.
And now, I will forget, too; short of electric shock, that is.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad. But it is.

The first two days have been like an explosion of memories; thoughts; fears.
But, when the panic attacks come, I can sometimes talk myself out of them if I really concentrate, instead of having to ride it out.
And when I think of her; when thoughts of her come to me,
I can sometimes look at it, acknowledge it, and file it away.

It feels like it's tearing at the core of these memories;
Killing the root.
I'm afraid, but I'm not.
I don't want to do this, but I do.

And I'm scared 'cause I'm alone. I'm scared, Toni.
I don't want to forget you, but I have to.
I don't want to.

But I have to forget you for my sake.
And so, I am going down the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry.

It feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Under Pressure ~ Queen ~ 1981

That's ok. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about,
Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"


...Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn.
Why?
Why love?
Why?


'Cause love's such and old-fashioned word.
And love dares you to care for the people
On the edge of the night and love dares you
To change our way of caring about ourselves.
This is our last dance.
This is ourselves.
Under pressure...


Why can't we give love one more chance?
Why cant we give love?

Under Pressure

There are things people will do under the pressure of competition that they wouldn't normally do.....

and sometimes...

sometimes.


They Break.

God, I Miss You Today, Girl....

"You put the fire in my cheeks.
Speech won't come.
My ears ring.
Blind to all others,
I sweat and I stammer.
I am a trembling thing, like grass,
and inch from dying.
So poor I've nothing to lose,
I must gamble."

~ Sappho

Psychosis Part 2

Yep. Still got it.

She'll be back. She's got some stuff to work out right now, some things to prove, but she'll be back.
She loves me. She'll realize that.
I give her a couple months, maybe.
She'll come back.
And I'll be waiting.

Because I believe this is true.
I absolutely believe with all my heart that this is true.

We are meant to be together.
We will have a happy ending together.

...And it would appear...I have completely lost my mind...

Crying

I woke up at 3:00am crying.
Just sobbing. It was awful.
I was sad. Very very sad.
But I'm not sure about what.
Her? Am I sad about her?

I Give Up. You Win.

That's it. I just give up.
There's nothing left in me to fight this with.
Let it just wash over me.
Let it take me under.
I'm done.
You win.

More importantly,
I lose.

Stand In The Shadows And Watch

You know what bothers me?
So many views.
So many many views.
And still,
So few followers.

Just like *real life*, hu?
Everyone just stands back
And watches me self-destruct.
Yep.
Just like my life has been.

The internet aint no different.
Enjoy youselves...

Hoops...

I fear sometimes that I won't get through this. No. Wait. That's wrong.
I fear sometimes that I know I won't get through this.
I know that I won't. That's what I fear:
The rest of my existence.

I didn't say "life", I said "existence", because that's all it will be.
I found my other half.
But fate has this ugly and cruel way of ripping the world right out from under your feet.
I want to bleed all over the Internet. I want to hemorrhage all over the page...

Sad, hu? Yea. I guess it is.
I have no friends. Not a single one.
No one to talk to; to tell.
And no one can help me. I know that.

I need to get this crazy thought out of my head that she can still help me; that she still loves me; that she still cares..
Because she doesn't. She's said so a million times.
But I won't listen, and it's driving her crazy.

So she's there, 50 miles away. Not smoking. That's good. It's been her biggest demon these past several months. I'm glad she's gotten it beat.
I had hoped she would concede to help me quit smoking, too, after she got it under control. After all, she would know what I would be going through.

But, no. She doesn't care.
It wasn't enough for me to stop drinking in order for her to take me back.
That wasn't enough because she thought I wouldn't do it.
But I did.
So she had to come up with something else.
Smoking.
Now, there's one I can't beat.

She's afraid of the fact that I need her; that she needs me.
She's afraid because she's found what she's been looking for in me.
We were made for each other.

She's the only who knows what that means....

Just Stop

Just stop doing this, Toni. Just please, stop.
You're pride is killing both of us.
It won't get better with time.
It will get worse.
We need to talk..

Psychosis

The definition of psychosis is: 'A mental condition that affects a person's sense of reality'.

As you can imagine, this took me aback for a moment.
The more I've read about this condition, the more it describes me at the moment..

God, I cannot WAIT until I stop feeling this way, and I'm not talking about the traditional 'broken heart'.

I'm talking about the belief that we are not soulmates;
That we were not destined to be together;
That the longer we are apart, the more miserable we will be;
And on and on and on....

This is what I am talking about. This 'belief', this psychosis.
The biggest thing I'm trying to do is make this 'belief' go away.

But it never will.
I already know it.

My God...

You have lost your mind.
Who the hell are you anymore??
Who the hell do you think you are??

I knew getting that "promotion" at work would swell your head, but, OMG. You are gone.

Fine. Fine. I'll live my live alone and lick my wounds.

YOU'RE WELCOME for spending my retirement while with you on the FALSE PROMISE that it was "ok" because we'd ALWAYS be TOGETHER and you'd TAKE CARE of me.

You, asshole.

Yes, I'm still in love with you. Yes, I still have a broken heart.
Yes, I still got CONNED by the best artist I've met so far.
And yes. Yes Yes Yes.
I would STILL take you back if you ONLY GAVE ME THE CHANCE.

Take A Good Long Look...

These have not been the ramblings of someone who is insane, delusional, or unstable.
If it were, I would not be aware of how stupid and foolish I look and sound to the world.
I would not be worried that any day she could take out a protection order against me for an email or a text.
It would not tear my heart out at how easy--how easy--it is for people to believe I'm crazy, rather than to say, "That's what true love looks like."

These are the true, heart-felt thoughts and feelings of someone who believes is true love; soulmates.
Yes, I am part of a dying breed. And yes, this is killing me. Literally.

Have you ever wondered why people refer to their significant other as their "other half"?
It's because they are their other half.

Half of me is gone; fifty miles away; close enough to still feel, not close enough to touch...
Does anyone actually get this?

Time does not heal something like this. It wasn't a fling. It wasn't just a quickie.
This was something that had been searched for, for a lifetime.
For both of us. We have testified to that.

And she ran. Because she got scared.
She called me an addiction.

So, take a good long look.
This is what dying of a broken heart looks like.
If I survive this, I will not like what I become. Neither will anyone else.
If I don't, so much the better.

Nothing I can ever say or do will convince her or anyone else that my feelings are right.
I know she feels the same way.
Because I can still feel her. I don't expect anyone else to understand that, either.

Toni, Come Back..

Dedicated To All Those Who Stuck Around No Matter What

I Love You..

Real World - Real Life

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho...

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?
If I was someone else, would this all fall apart?
Strange, where were you when we started this game?

I wish the real world would just stop hasseling me..
..and you.

Please..don't change..

A Ray Of Light...? Really??

As far as the job-front goes, things are starting to look promising.
I put in several applications at the university here a while ago. If you're familiar with Nebraska at all, you know it's all about the university, the Huskers, sports.
And if you actually live in this small city, UNL is the place to work.

I've been waiting for another call-back from a position I've had two interviews for so far. This was the call I thought I was getting today. But it wasn't.
This was a different department with UNL that I had applied for quite a while back. And it's working nights. That's when I thrive. So....

I have a new screening interview set up with them for this Friday. What luck, right? Two possible job offers from UNL. I'm on cloud nine.

This has been my foremost demon. I need a job.
That other thing, the whole broken heart thing. Well, yea, that's still hanging on and will be probably forever.
And I'll live the rest of my life alone.
I haven't ever had to deal with feelings like this.
Everyone I know thinks I'm crazy. But I know I'm not. She knows I'm not.

I won't let go. I can't.
I'll live the rest of my life alone.
And that's fine.

But right now, I'm unemployed. I can't afford to lose sight of that. But she's still in my heart.
This isn't the end of the story.
It's just a matter of time.

Another Day...

Another morning. I open my eyes. You are my first thought.

I have an interview this morning; my second interview. They called me back for a second. I really hope this works out. I need the money. I'm broke. Flat broke.

I've been thinking about the time towards the end when she accused me that all I cared about was her money, her retirement, her "net worth".

What I don't believe she realized then, or even now, is that I had no idea of her "net worth" until she told me. I didn't know what the numbers were. It never occurred to me to ask, "Hey, by the way, how much money you got?" Never crossed my mind.

I was already in love with her. I had been for a long time when this subject came up. Her money didn't mean anything to me. Money can't buy you someone to love you. But she thought that was what I wanted.

I didn't.

I wanted her.
I wanted to get old with her.

All I still want is her.

I have been diligent about trying to meet people, make friends. It takes a lot out of me. It's tiresome. I'm not really interested but I know if I don't, I'll lose what's left of my mind.

She is all I think about; all I talk about. To everyone. And I'm perceived as this poor thing with a broken heart and I'll get over it.

No, I won't.

No one gets it.

No one but her. And me. We get it. And I know that no matter what, she won't get over it; she won't forget me.

She wrote a blog about "A Work In Progress" a while back. She wrote some beautiful things in that blog. She wrote that she realized she'd been arrogant in her life much of the time. It sounded like she was changing; realizing what is really important in this life.

I know that huge changes in a person's life will make them realize these things; what's really important for their happiness; what they do and do not want.
She always told me, and wrote once, that what she really wanted was her love in her arms at night and her dog at her feet. Simple things, really. It was all I wanted, too.

And we had that. Then she took it away. She decided first that I didn't want her.
When she realized that wasn't true, she decided she didn't want me.

I'm afraid that she will never realize or care. I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again. I'm afraid her career, power, and all the choices around her will overwhelm her and she'll start lying to herself again.

I'm afraid she'll settle. She'll start searching what whatever it is she's looking for. I'm afraid she'll never realize that she already found it.
It was me. I'm still here.

I hope we both survive this long enough for her to realize it.

I'm here.
I Love You.

The Only Thing Missing Is You

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was you...

It's a Saturday. This is the day you used to be home, remember?
And the weather is perfect; it's *our* weather; forecasting rain storms all day and into the night.
It's a perfect day for staying cuddled up and enjoying the thunder and lightening.
We used to sit on the front porch swing under a blanket and watch the storms.
We even went storm chasing once. God, I loved that.
Remember?

Things have truly not been so good with me, hon. I keep trying, but this faking it 'til I make it thing is going absolutely nowhere with me. I know you want me to drop off the face of the earth. I'm sorry..I keep trying.

I went to my sister's studio last night for Second Friday. They do a music night and everyone brings whatever instrument they play. I brought my guitar, but even that I don't care about so much anymore. Didn't play it much. It spent most of the evening lying in it's case or was occasionally played by a couple other people.

I spent most of the night with a splitting headache and sitting in a drum circle, pounding on a drum. But it was fun. It was ok.
My sister would glance at me from time to time with this big smile on her face and this sadness behind her eyes because she knows the pain I'm in.
She's trying to help keep me afloat. Bless her heart. Don't know what I'd do without her..

Tonight they are giving a show at a local coffee house. Of course it is mandatory that I make it to that. And I'll be there.
She has given me their entire schedule and has told me that I must be at every event even if I just sit there and sip my water. I promised her I would.

So that's been my thing this weekend for Friday and Saturday night. Don't know what I'll do on Sunday. I really miss you on Sundays. Those are the worst because I know it's your only day off...and you are home...and I keep praying there is no one there to share it with you. Is that mean of me?

The day will come when you're off the Chantax and you'll be able to think clearly again. I'm waiting for that day. You'll be ok. You'll realize how crazy this has all been. You'll come back. I know you will.

No one fights for true love anymore and that's a very sad sad thing. No one believes in it; they just start up with someone else.
And if someone does fight for true love; holds on to it; they are perceived as delusional, obsessed, crazy.

Well, my love, I am not crazy. You know it and I know it.
No matter what everyone else around us thinks, you know I'm not crazy.
And so, I will continue to hold on to this. You are supposed to be off the Chantax the end of this month. And I imagine it will take a week or two for all of it to leave your system.

I just hope and pray that your ego won't stop you from contacting me. You promised you would. So I will wait.
I will wait for that just like I'm waiting for this rain storm that's coming in. The windows are open; I can hear the thunder, see the lightening. Yes. The only thing missing

is you...
I Love You