I'm Done

I'm just done for now.
I hope you and your new girlfriend are very very happy.
She looks very pretty.
And much younger than me.
Good job there.

Serendipity vs. Fate

Serendipity:
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.

Fate:
1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.
2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed;
the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.
3. that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.
4. a prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.
5. death, destruction, or ruin.

*****
 
The year is 1983. I was with my first partner.
 
She had a tattoo and I wanted one, too. So we went to the local tattoo shop.
I got my tattoo. My very first one.
As we were leaving, there was a girl and an older woman standing there, waiting.
The girl was about 17. All I could do was stare at her.
She was thin, had a tiny little spaghetti-strap top on, long brown hair,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I'd remember her.
Forever.
 
The year is 2007. Twenty-four years have passed.
 
I started writing to a smart, interesting, intelligent woman I'd met online.
We decided to meet. She walked through the door of a local bar we'd chosen,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I wanted to look into them
Forever.
 
I used to think it was serendipity that we met again; that it was something good.
But instead, it was fate.
And fate isn't always a good thing.
 
The year is 2010. Three years have passed.
 
She stayed with me for those three years and kept me hanging on for another year and a half after that.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
walk out the door.
Forever.
 
The year is 2012. Two more years have passed.
 
She never returned to me, although she promised she would.
She is with someone else. Anyone else.
As long as it isn't me, I suppose.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life,
every time I closed mine.
Forever.

The Reason I Blog

I've been spending some time this evening going over my blogs of the last several days; all the things about the break up--if you can call it that. If you ask me, breaking up in a text is just, well, gutless. Cowardly. Immature. Stone Cold..

My rise from the ashes; my struggle to survive; to find the strength to go on.
Like a Phoenix. These are the things I've been dealing with this past week or ten days..

It's amazing what we can do with technology these days, isn't it?
We can communicate with people all over the world in the blink of an eye.
But we still can't get along. We still fight. We are still stubborn.
We still break up and end relationships for what, in my opinion, are stupid reasons. Sorry.
But I just think we've been educated way beyond our ability to handle it.
Maybe we'll never figure it out.

Am I as "ok" as I sound? Well, no. Not really. But I suspect I won't be for quite some time.
I keep to myself quite a bit, but as you can see from my more recent blogs, I'm trying to get out of the house more; be with people.

Albeit, I've been a little, um...grey...today. It's all good. I talked myself out of this latest slump. I won't fall again. I can't afford to. I may not have enough lives left to use up. Only God knows about that.

It's a little surreal, seeing your guts sprayed all over the Internet. But I put them there; no one but me.
I find it hard to imagine who would read this; I fight the urge to take them down, like I have so many of my past blogs.
But I don't this time. I'm leaving them up. Even if they still shock me when I read them. That's good. It means I've made progress.
And this brings me to the reason I do this; the reason I blog, write, journal.

First, I do this because I have to.
I have to get these things out of me or it will kill me. Quite literally.
These thoughts, these feelings, these emotions--they have to come out.
I've written all my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's just the way I've learned to cope with the world.
With Real Life.

And secondly, there's someone out there who needs to see this. I know there's someone out there who's hurting and needs to know their pain doesn't go unnoticed; isn't different; not alone.
If only one person sees this and their life is different--changed--better, then it will be worth it.
And if not, well, then I at least got it out of me.
It's like the song by Anna Nalik, Just Breathe.

"2am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

I know a lot of what I write is pretty raw. But that's how I see things. Am I dramatic? I feel things very very deeply. I literally feel them. It's hard to explain...
And when I love, I love with my whole heart. No holding back. Or I don't love at all.

This last experience almost took me down. This is the hardest I've fought so far in my life to live...to survive.
The things I write are true and I can't apologize for telling the truth, because if it helps someone, if just one person sees themselves in these words, it will all have been worth it.

This is the reason I blog. This is why.
And now you know.
Thank you for following me.

Most Sincerely, BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

It's All Ok. Really.

It hurts.
Bad.
But this, too, shall pass....

As long as there is someone in the sky to protect me,
there is no one on earth who could break me.

I am stronger than this thing that has a grip on me.
I will shake it off and become stronger and better because of it.
I will become stronger.
I will become more wary.
I will not trust so easily as before.
I will be no one's fool
ever again.

And.

I.
Will.
Not.
Lie.
Down.

The Tree

5.
The tree is 5 years old now.
And after my last post about how time means nothing,
I am counting; keeping track.

I can't even take my own advice.
It was a volunteer. She wanted to plant it where it would grow.
She said we could keep track of the years together.

I was afraid it would keep track of the years apart.
But it's ok. It really is.
It's a nice tree.

Time. Distance.

I was listening to some music from "my time" today while messing around the house. This one caught my ear. Wanted to share.
You know, the time and the distance mean nothing. They are only futile attempts to measure something that can't be measured.
Love can't be measured, either. It can't be reasoned with.
It can't be bade to come and it can't be commanded to go.
It is felt with the heart.
It just is.
Time.
Distance.
These things mean nothing.
Because we are
Timeless....
I Love You

Rush, 2112 album
Came out in 1976. I was 15 years old....



Tears

All of the seasons and all of the days
All of the reasons why I've felt this way
So long...
So long

Then lost in that feeling I looked in your eyes
I noticed emotion and that you had cried
For me
I can see

What would touch me deeper...
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?

A lifetime of questions, tears on your cheek
I tasted the answers and my body was weak
For you
The truth...

What would touch me deeper...
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?

Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?

Happy Ostara! Beautiful Day!

I started the day by going to the Ostara Party thrown by my nephew and niece-in-law. They held it at the local park and it was an absolutely beautiful day!
Ostara is the celebration of the Spring Equinox -- the longest day of the year. It was actually on the 21st, but we held the party on Saturday. Turned out to be a perfect day for it.
I met a lot of people who's names I'll never remember, but that's ok.
We hid Ostara eggs for the kids and they had a great time finding them. Some of them we hid so well that the grown-ups couldn't find them.
We had the usual hot dogs, hamburgers, various salads and chips. I brought Nacho Cheese Doritos because you can never go wrong with Nacho Cheese Doritos.

I gave my sister a call to ask if she would be coming and turns out they were holding a fund raiser at her dance studio today and into the evening (She is a belly dancer). So....

Naturally, I have to go hit the fund raiser, right? I mean, all that music, more food, and beautiful belly dancers decked out to the nines.
I met some new people and saw some I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was nice. It's been too long since I've done anything like that. I've turned into one of those people you see walking down the street carrying on an entire conversation with themselves.
And that has to stop.
Like, now.
Some random guy hears the drums and wanders in off the street and sits down and starts playing the drums, too. It was a little nuts. And he was kinda good.
He drank a glass of wine and just wandered back out again. (I was drinking water all night. Well hydrated, I am. LOL).
Later into the evening we light the fire pit and move the party outside. It was such a beautiful night, how could we not?
One of the guests pointed out Jupiter, Mars, and Venus. And the moon was just a little sliver tonight; you could see the dark side. I love that.
So we're all enjoying the fire and the stars and the conversation and the random guy shows back up with four of his buddies.
I take one look at the guy with the dreadlocks and we point at each other. I said, "I know you. You're the guy who used to sell me cigarettes years ago."
I know, I know. Smoking is a nasty habit and I need to stop. But it was good to see him again, anyway. And I even remembered his name. I never remember names.
I used to call him Captain Jack Sparrow because he's a dead ringer (but Johnny Depp is much better looking). So for the rest of the night, he was "Sparrow". And he says he's the real deal. I believe him. Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Around 10:30pm we start wrapping up, people are leaving, and I help my sister close up shop. All in all, it was a really great day.
I was able to experience a lot of different people today; some new ones and some I already knew. There was laughter and music and tons of food and little kids running around...it was nice. Just really really nice.
Thank you, God for letting me wake up today. I would have hated to have missed it.

On Forgiveness....

Just something I wanted to share. It's time to change my attitude.
I've been angry long enough.
It only hurts me. It does nothing to her.
So, no more angry bitter hatred.

She did me a favor.
She wasn't the one for me.
But it sure was fun while it lasted.

I hope she finds what she's looking for.
I hope I do, too.

Bitter

I spend too much time being bitter.
It's unattractive.
Very.

The Only Way To Go From Here Is Up (Bucket List)

I need to start a bucket list. I really really to. I need to start listing all the things I want to do, but never have done.

And like me, this will be a work in progress. I'll add things from time to time.

1. Clean up this house! Get it looking that way it used to; the way I liked it.

2. Start going to church with my cousin more often.

3. Move to Nevada.

4. Mend fences with my son's girlfriend.

5. Mend fences with my son.

6. Spend more time outside walking, hiking, gardening.

7. Spend time with my step-dad. At least once a week.

8. Make a point of helping at least one stranger a day.

9. Plant a garden this year.

10. Go to the Ostara Festival TODAY at the park and have a BLAST! (Done!)

11. Find THE ONE.

In The Blink Of A Text

Friday, March 16, 2012

Me: How are you?

Her: Leave me alone. do not continue to try and make contact.

Me: Why are you doing this? baby, i love you...

Her: We are done. stop this now. it will not change. get past it. do not harass me.

Me: Who is she?

Her: Leave me the fuck alone or i will call and file a restraining order. act like an adult. Relationships fail.

Her: If u want me to get a restraining order i will. the choice is yours on if you keep harassing me.

Me: [Name], I didn't respond after last text. Why did you respond twice? i didnt text back.

Her: Any more attempts at contact will result in me filing for a restraining order.

*********
Two weeks prior to this she was confiding in me regarding her aunt's death and wanted me to go to the memorial...
Last Sunday, I get a text saying "it's over" out of the blue. No explanation.
Now, on Friday, I received the conversation posted here. Not even a voice on the phone. Only a text.

She kept me hanging on for a year and a half.
She made me believe things would be ok.
All the while, she was searching for someone new.
Another lover.
To take my place.
Because.

Because I'm not special. Not to anyone.
Never have been. Never will be.

"Make believing we're together; that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in the night time, I turn to water like a teardrop in your palm...."

No need for a restraining order. I'll be dead by the time you file it.
That is, unless I fail again, which seems to be my track record.
I love you....

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men

My views continue to compile, but no comments. This means one of two things.
They are either follows i.e. members reading and at a loss for words or its you, the anonymous follower, checking up on me, making sure I'm saying nothing offensive and/or enjoying watching my public pain on the Internet.

If its the latter, I hope you enjoy your day today. Its your day off, the weather is beautiful, you should be up by now, and you've got plans, I'm sure, for you and that new special woman in your life. Nice.

Ok. That unpleasant task is out of the way.

As far as yesterday's "master plan", I did get the laundry done. Dishes are still starring me in the face and, no, no dog-washing happened yesterday. Today might me a good day for that. Getting motivated to do that will prove the hard part.

The house is opened up; there's a wonderful breeze blowing though, my medication is safe inside me, hopefully preparing to do its work, as soon I'll be interested in stepping out the door. There's a lot to get done today that I blew off yesterday.

Aside from making sure I have clean clothes for this week, I spent the larger part of the day reading. And not the usual self-improvement or spiritual books I spend too much time with.
No, lately I'm reading novels again, just like back in the day -- and loving it. I've got a long reading list compiled.

I also did a jig saw puzzle last night; finished the whole thing and covered in it Modge Podge. Remember we we used to do that? I've got a whole pile of puzzles downstairs that we did. Remember how where where going to frame them and hang them up down there so the place would look more homey? That didn't happen, either, did it?

When I'm not doing that, I'm crocheting. I have a beautiful baby blanket I made for a grandson I'll never meet finished. That was done some time ago, before he left the hospital.
I had been waiting until I saw her again so I could give it to her in person to give to him, but obviously, that day never came.
So now it sits in a box with a note explaining who its for and why I made it. Perhaps someday she will she it, perhaps not. Perhaps it will go to some other woman's baby or grand baby after the sting and rejection fades away. At any rate, it will sit there and wait.
I have another project, half finished, that was intended for her only granddaughter -- someone else I hoped to meet one day. That one, I will get to when I finish my current project. Same story on that one.

My current project, well, I'm really enjoying this one. Its for me, I think. Not sure on that one yet. Its made of the beautiful colors that I like, but that I also hope someone else will like.
It was intended for you, but since your highly mature dumping me out of the blue in text last Sunday, I'm not so sure about that now.
Maybe it will remain mine, maybe it will not. Most likely, the former.

For the moment, I will drink my coffee, finish this blog, and sit back to watch the views go up, and wonder if one of them is you.
I hope you have a wonderful day. I'm sure she's very smitten with you. You've got a lot of charm when you want to, and always get what you want.
I hope you get what you want form this one, too, before she dumps you or you get bored, see someone else, and dump her first.
Its just the truth. I know how you role. And sooner or later your pride, arrogance, and your false sense of self-importance will catch up with you.
Its not that they aren't good enough for you, my love; its that your not good enough for them.
And sooner or later you'll have to drop the act, because you can't keep running from who you really are forever.
And when you do, I will be there. I will always be there. Waiting for you.

Pressing On In Real Life

Last night wasn't as bad as I'd feared. But it wasn't what I'd call good, either.
I messed around on the computer quite a while, watched some TV with the dogs, and was in bed by midnight. Not the most wild Friday night.

I woke up at seven this morning; a little surprised, but when I thought about it had been seven hours and that's my average need for sleep, I thought "what the heck" and got up.

I started the coffee, let the dogs out, and sat down at the computer. But not before I was sure to take my meds. I'm absolutely needing that crutch right now. Maybe more than ever.

Everyone's been writing some interesting blogs, lately. I've been reading many of them. Right now, my biggest concern is learning how to get over this being blind sided. I didn't see it coming. And there seem to be blogs out there that pertain to staying positive and looking for the good. I guess I need that sort of thing right now.

Well actually, maybe I did see it coming, but I won't go into all that right now. Too much to think about. It just bothers the hell out of me that all this went down in texts -- not even a voice on the phone. And just two weeks prior to this she was confiding in me about her aunt's recent death and wanted me to come to her memorial.

I opted out because I realized in the more than four years we'd been together, I really hadn't seen any of her family more than twice. And that was when we first met.

So I didn't think I'd be too welcome and people would be uncomfortable. Besides, she has a new, and I'm sure "presentable" girlfriend to take now. But I digress..

My plan today is to get the laundry done, like any other Saturday. And do the dishes. Clean up a little, tend to the bunny cages (I have 7 bunnies) and show them a little attention.

My biggest goal -- and this will be some fun -- is to give all three dogs a bath today. Which shouldn't be too big of a deal since they are all small; chihuahuas. Thank God I don't have German shepherds. :)

Grocery shopping is pretty much done and the gas tank is filled up. So if I don't have a mind to, I don't need to go anywhere this weekend.

I picked up my new glasses yesterday after work and am trying to get used to them. Its a lot stronger prescription than I had before and these are tri-focals, as opposed to the bi-focals I've had for years.

The middle one is supposed to let me work at the computer without looking over the top of my glasses but I'm getting quite the crick in my neck from that, so I'll have to see how it goes. I can always go back to bi-focals and look over the top again. I've got 90 days.

And so that's my master plan for today. I haven't figured out yet what I will do tomorrow. But that's tomorrow; its not here yet so why worry about it. A lot can change in one day. I found out about that yesterday.

Lord have mercy, The Ides Of March really knocked me for a loop this year. But I suppose it just means that God has new things in store for me. I've turned everything over to Him, so I'll be interested to see what plans unfold.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I know there will still be some dark dark days to come. And karma has a way of evening things out.

Her arrogance and pride will be her undoing. She'll crash and burn. Again and again and again.
And in thinking back, I was too damn good for her.
And I can do better.

Why...

Why do I feel like she's still here?
Even though I know she's with her.
Why?
It was supposed to be me...

Playing With Fire

I don't know who I am anymore.

For the past year and a half, I've been fighting for something I thought still exists, only to learn in the end that I was kept holding on until she could find someone else. These were my worst fears.

I knew this is what she would do to me. I knew it in my heart.
And I knew it in a way that I can't explain to the average person.

I saw little fleeting glimpses of it in small moments of clarity that would flash the future behind my eyes like a movie and then be gone..
I don't know how to explain it but she would know what I mean.

I'd try to fight these things; these moments of clarity. But it makes no difference. The situation unfolds the same. They have my whole life.

The harder I fight against what I know will happen anyway, the worse it is. But giving in to what I already know will be is like giving up too soon.
I keep feeling that if I can see the future, then why can't I change it? What is the point in seeing it if I can't change it?
What the hell is the point??

Its not a gift, its a curse, this thing that I do. I've fought all my life to control it, but to no avail. I've tried everything; drinking, drugs, all just to dull the edge; quiet the knowing; numb the pain. But nothing helps.

She is the only person who could do, truly do, what I can do. She is the only person who believed me and didn't look at me like I was some kind of freak or off the edge because I thought I could.
She didn't look at me like I was psychotic. Everyone else does.

I wonder once in a while if some of the people walking this earth who are classified as depressed, psychotic, or hear voices are really not sick at all.
I wonder if they just don't have abilities that western science doesn't understand; won't accept.
Or they won't accept, themselves.
Easier to throw a pill at it and numb it out. But, the thing is, that just doesn't work.

I can recount thousands of events in my life when I was spot on with things that happened, situations that have gone down, things I've known without any logical reason for knowing. All the way down to telling my mom to answer the phone before it rang. That used to drive her crazy.

I've been accused of planting ideas in peoples' minds by telling them what I knew or reading their cards.
I've been called a trouble maker, a freak, and yes, I've been considered unstable by a lot of people.

No one understands what its like to walk into a room and hear what everyone is thinking. No one believes me.
It is assumed that I am "paranoid and give people too much credit".
Easier to explain away like that.

She is the only person I've met who believes me. She can do these things, too, and I've seen her do them. When we were together, we were like a magnet. Our abilities were amplified a thousand percent. It is something I'll never forget.

But, today is Friday and I should be excited for the weekend. But for what?
I have no one to share it with. And I should be sharing it with her.
But she's not here.
She's there.
And she's there with someone else.

And I keep hoping that I can hold out until she realizes her mistake.
I keep holding out while I can feel what she's doing fifty miles away.
I keep hoping she feels me, too, and hasn't blocked me out.

I keep holding on.
Because its all I can do.

To My Immortal

I feel like she's still here. With me. In my heart.
I've been thinking about her so much tonight since I got home. Missing her. Loving her. Wondering what she's doing right now.
I know she's at work. She used to call me every chance she got. It feels like yesterday, but it was a long long time ago. Years ago.
Yet, it feels like yesterday. It feels..right.
It gives me chills.
Is this what it feels like to go insane?

She told me on Sunday that its over. Finished. Done.
"I go my way and you go yours."
She's through with me. She's moved on. She's a different person.
But I can still feel her.
She's seeing someone else.

I have never dealt with this before.
The more time that passes, the harder it gets.
The more time that passes, the more I miss her.
Its not getting better. I'm trying but its not getting better.
Is this what it feels like to be in love; to need, really need your soul mate?

I can't accept this and I worry about what I will become.
The only thing that makes sense to me, the only thing that feels right, is thinking about her, loving her, and waiting for her to come back to me.
We could live somewhere else. Somewhere closer to where she lives.
She has her career. She has her family. Her grandchildren.
I thought they would be my grandchildren, too.
But they are not.

I haven't seen any of her family in years.
It will be five years we've been together (in my heart) this fall. September 1st.
And I haven't seen any of her family in almost that long. Why?
Now she is finished with me; doesn't want me anymore.
And her family didn't even know me. Five years.
I never really existed for any of them.
That is frightening.

Did she keep me away from them for a reason?
Was I being tested out? Tried on for size?
No. I don't think so. I think she really loves me. I think she always has.
I can't use the past-tense of the word because it doesn't feel right.
It feels wrong.

She's still here. Still here in my heart. And I can't let her go.
I know she will want me back.
I know that I know that I know she will want me back.
And all the reality around me; all the circumstances around me say,
"No. No she won't."

"It is finished. It is done. It is long since over."

But its not. I know its not. I believe its not. And I can't change.
I can feel her. I know she still loves me. I know she is lying when she says its over.
Because its not. Not for me.

This isn't drama.
This isn't obsession.
I'm dead serious.
Have I lost my mind?

To be unable to live in reality?
To withdraw and believe in a time that's long since past because the pain of the reality is so intense?
So crippling?
Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't remember things that I should remember. It makes my job more difficult than it should be because I know how to do my job.
But I have to be careful. I have to keep my shit together when I'm there. Make sure I take my meds in the morning and again at lunch to keep myself somewhat level.
I'm not permanent there. I'm only a temp and can be let go at any time for any reason. I'm not safe.

These are the Ides Of March. Tonght. March 15th. These are the Ides Of March.
And if I really am not of my right mind anymore, what am I really capable of?

Deceived

I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I actually do well with change. I like things to stay the same; predictable; dependable; safe.
I have learned there is no such thing as "safe" in this world. And if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
It probably, assuredly, most definitely is.

I'm going to have to reevaluate my entire system of beliefs to qualify trust in another human being.
Again.
Going by my track record and most recent experience it looks like I still haven't learned a thing.
I'm still going all-in and relying on blind trust.
I'm still making bad choices in the people I'm with.
I'm still getting taken. Ripped off. Robbed.

And this time was bad.
Really bad.
No more.

And I must learn how to do this -- this trust thing -- without becoming bitter.
Without making the next person I choose to trust "pay" for the last one.
In order to do that, I need to forgive myself for being taken in again.
I need to forgive myself for being foolish; for taking someone at their word.
Very very few people are good for their word.
Most of them lie.
Most of them get away with it. But not all.

I'm trying to not make this whole experience dark. I'm trying to not make it all negative.
There's a real lesson to be learned here. I'm sure of it.
At this point, the pain is so raw that I'm wishing it hadn't cost me so much.
Seems hardly worth the price now.

I'll expand on these thoughts further later. Maybe. We'll see.
Deceived.

PS ~
Thank God, only 280 days left until the end of the world.
I don't think I could take much more....

Here's Your Sign...