Learning The Meaning Of Irony

I know the meaning of the word. I just hate living through the situations that come up that it applies to.
Am I "well" yet? Probably not. Am I "feeling better"? Um, yea. I guess so.
Do I still love her? Do I still miss her? Hell yes, I do.
Will I most likely forever? Yep.
Will I meet someone one of these days that will distract my attention?
God in Heaven. If I'm lucky.
Will she be Toni? No.
Will I want her to be Toni? No.

Just like Toni found in my absence,
her happiness,
So, too, shall I find mine.

This is as positive as I can get at the moment.
There is hope in these words if you look very hard and read between the lines.
I will survive.
This, too, shall pass.

I Wish I Could Make You Love Me Again...

But I can't, can I? It's just...gone...isn't it?
The grip you have in my mind is weakening. I don't like it. It scares me.
I don't want to forget you, Toni.
I don't want to forget..
And if I don't, the next step is ECT. To forget. That I love you.
Now, that's insane. There's nothing wrong with me and the world is trying to MAKE something wrong with me.
That's what's crazy. Not me.

Nardil

Now, there is an interesting little old-school MAOI inhibitor...
Just a little orange pill. Like ECT without the electricity.
The doctor said it is the last-ditch effort; the precursor to the afore mentioned....

The side effects are interesting. The loss of short-term memory during treatment.
But then, my short-term memory has been shot for years.
Then there's the loss of recent long-term memory. This is appealing....

In theory, when I come out on the other side of this, if the drug did it's job on the chemicals in my brain,
I will forget that I love her.
I will remember her, but the chains in my mind that I can't break, myself, will be gone.

Just like when she had cancer and went through the chemo.
It affected her mind.
And it made her forget that she loves me.
The chemo made her forget.
And now, I will forget, too; short of electric shock, that is.

I had no idea it had gotten this bad. But it is.

The first two days have been like an explosion of memories; thoughts; fears.
But, when the panic attacks come, I can sometimes talk myself out of them if I really concentrate, instead of having to ride it out.
And when I think of her; when thoughts of her come to me,
I can sometimes look at it, acknowledge it, and file it away.

It feels like it's tearing at the core of these memories;
Killing the root.
I'm afraid, but I'm not.
I don't want to do this, but I do.

And I'm scared 'cause I'm alone. I'm scared, Toni.
I don't want to forget you, but I have to.
I don't want to.

But I have to forget you for my sake.
And so, I am going down the rabbit hole.
I'm sorry.

It feels like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Under Pressure ~ Queen ~ 1981

That's ok. It's the terror of knowing what this world is about,
Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"


...Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn.
Why?
Why love?
Why?


'Cause love's such and old-fashioned word.
And love dares you to care for the people
On the edge of the night and love dares you
To change our way of caring about ourselves.
This is our last dance.
This is ourselves.
Under pressure...


Why can't we give love one more chance?
Why cant we give love?

Under Pressure

There are things people will do under the pressure of competition that they wouldn't normally do.....

and sometimes...

sometimes.


They Break.

God, I Miss You Today, Girl....

"You put the fire in my cheeks.
Speech won't come.
My ears ring.
Blind to all others,
I sweat and I stammer.
I am a trembling thing, like grass,
and inch from dying.
So poor I've nothing to lose,
I must gamble."

~ Sappho

Psychosis Part 2

Yep. Still got it.

She'll be back. She's got some stuff to work out right now, some things to prove, but she'll be back.
She loves me. She'll realize that.
I give her a couple months, maybe.
She'll come back.
And I'll be waiting.

Because I believe this is true.
I absolutely believe with all my heart that this is true.

We are meant to be together.
We will have a happy ending together.

...And it would appear...I have completely lost my mind...

Crying

I woke up at 3:00am crying.
Just sobbing. It was awful.
I was sad. Very very sad.
But I'm not sure about what.
Her? Am I sad about her?

I Give Up. You Win.

That's it. I just give up.
There's nothing left in me to fight this with.
Let it just wash over me.
Let it take me under.
I'm done.
You win.

More importantly,
I lose.

Stand In The Shadows And Watch

You know what bothers me?
So many views.
So many many views.
And still,
So few followers.

Just like *real life*, hu?
Everyone just stands back
And watches me self-destruct.
Yep.
Just like my life has been.

The internet aint no different.
Enjoy youselves...

Hoops...

I fear sometimes that I won't get through this. No. Wait. That's wrong.
I fear sometimes that I know I won't get through this.
I know that I won't. That's what I fear:
The rest of my existence.

I didn't say "life", I said "existence", because that's all it will be.
I found my other half.
But fate has this ugly and cruel way of ripping the world right out from under your feet.
I want to bleed all over the Internet. I want to hemorrhage all over the page...

Sad, hu? Yea. I guess it is.
I have no friends. Not a single one.
No one to talk to; to tell.
And no one can help me. I know that.

I need to get this crazy thought out of my head that she can still help me; that she still loves me; that she still cares..
Because she doesn't. She's said so a million times.
But I won't listen, and it's driving her crazy.

So she's there, 50 miles away. Not smoking. That's good. It's been her biggest demon these past several months. I'm glad she's gotten it beat.
I had hoped she would concede to help me quit smoking, too, after she got it under control. After all, she would know what I would be going through.

But, no. She doesn't care.
It wasn't enough for me to stop drinking in order for her to take me back.
That wasn't enough because she thought I wouldn't do it.
But I did.
So she had to come up with something else.
Smoking.
Now, there's one I can't beat.

She's afraid of the fact that I need her; that she needs me.
She's afraid because she's found what she's been looking for in me.
We were made for each other.

She's the only who knows what that means....

Just Stop

Just stop doing this, Toni. Just please, stop.
You're pride is killing both of us.
It won't get better with time.
It will get worse.
We need to talk..

Psychosis

The definition of psychosis is: 'A mental condition that affects a person's sense of reality'.

As you can imagine, this took me aback for a moment.
The more I've read about this condition, the more it describes me at the moment..

God, I cannot WAIT until I stop feeling this way, and I'm not talking about the traditional 'broken heart'.

I'm talking about the belief that we are not soulmates;
That we were not destined to be together;
That the longer we are apart, the more miserable we will be;
And on and on and on....

This is what I am talking about. This 'belief', this psychosis.
The biggest thing I'm trying to do is make this 'belief' go away.

But it never will.
I already know it.

My God...

You have lost your mind.
Who the hell are you anymore??
Who the hell do you think you are??

I knew getting that "promotion" at work would swell your head, but, OMG. You are gone.

Fine. Fine. I'll live my live alone and lick my wounds.

YOU'RE WELCOME for spending my retirement while with you on the FALSE PROMISE that it was "ok" because we'd ALWAYS be TOGETHER and you'd TAKE CARE of me.

You, asshole.

Yes, I'm still in love with you. Yes, I still have a broken heart.
Yes, I still got CONNED by the best artist I've met so far.
And yes. Yes Yes Yes.
I would STILL take you back if you ONLY GAVE ME THE CHANCE.

Take A Good Long Look...

These have not been the ramblings of someone who is insane, delusional, or unstable.
If it were, I would not be aware of how stupid and foolish I look and sound to the world.
I would not be worried that any day she could take out a protection order against me for an email or a text.
It would not tear my heart out at how easy--how easy--it is for people to believe I'm crazy, rather than to say, "That's what true love looks like."

These are the true, heart-felt thoughts and feelings of someone who believes is true love; soulmates.
Yes, I am part of a dying breed. And yes, this is killing me. Literally.

Have you ever wondered why people refer to their significant other as their "other half"?
It's because they are their other half.

Half of me is gone; fifty miles away; close enough to still feel, not close enough to touch...
Does anyone actually get this?

Time does not heal something like this. It wasn't a fling. It wasn't just a quickie.
This was something that had been searched for, for a lifetime.
For both of us. We have testified to that.

And she ran. Because she got scared.
She called me an addiction.

So, take a good long look.
This is what dying of a broken heart looks like.
If I survive this, I will not like what I become. Neither will anyone else.
If I don't, so much the better.

Nothing I can ever say or do will convince her or anyone else that my feelings are right.
I know she feels the same way.
Because I can still feel her. I don't expect anyone else to understand that, either.

Toni, Come Back..

Dedicated To All Those Who Stuck Around No Matter What

I Love You..

Real World - Real Life

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho...

Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here?
If I was someone else, would this all fall apart?
Strange, where were you when we started this game?

I wish the real world would just stop hasseling me..
..and you.

Please..don't change..

A Ray Of Light...? Really??

As far as the job-front goes, things are starting to look promising.
I put in several applications at the university here a while ago. If you're familiar with Nebraska at all, you know it's all about the university, the Huskers, sports.
And if you actually live in this small city, UNL is the place to work.

I've been waiting for another call-back from a position I've had two interviews for so far. This was the call I thought I was getting today. But it wasn't.
This was a different department with UNL that I had applied for quite a while back. And it's working nights. That's when I thrive. So....

I have a new screening interview set up with them for this Friday. What luck, right? Two possible job offers from UNL. I'm on cloud nine.

This has been my foremost demon. I need a job.
That other thing, the whole broken heart thing. Well, yea, that's still hanging on and will be probably forever.
And I'll live the rest of my life alone.
I haven't ever had to deal with feelings like this.
Everyone I know thinks I'm crazy. But I know I'm not. She knows I'm not.

I won't let go. I can't.
I'll live the rest of my life alone.
And that's fine.

But right now, I'm unemployed. I can't afford to lose sight of that. But she's still in my heart.
This isn't the end of the story.
It's just a matter of time.

Another Day...

Another morning. I open my eyes. You are my first thought.

I have an interview this morning; my second interview. They called me back for a second. I really hope this works out. I need the money. I'm broke. Flat broke.

I've been thinking about the time towards the end when she accused me that all I cared about was her money, her retirement, her "net worth".

What I don't believe she realized then, or even now, is that I had no idea of her "net worth" until she told me. I didn't know what the numbers were. It never occurred to me to ask, "Hey, by the way, how much money you got?" Never crossed my mind.

I was already in love with her. I had been for a long time when this subject came up. Her money didn't mean anything to me. Money can't buy you someone to love you. But she thought that was what I wanted.

I didn't.

I wanted her.
I wanted to get old with her.

All I still want is her.

I have been diligent about trying to meet people, make friends. It takes a lot out of me. It's tiresome. I'm not really interested but I know if I don't, I'll lose what's left of my mind.

She is all I think about; all I talk about. To everyone. And I'm perceived as this poor thing with a broken heart and I'll get over it.

No, I won't.

No one gets it.

No one but her. And me. We get it. And I know that no matter what, she won't get over it; she won't forget me.

She wrote a blog about "A Work In Progress" a while back. She wrote some beautiful things in that blog. She wrote that she realized she'd been arrogant in her life much of the time. It sounded like she was changing; realizing what is really important in this life.

I know that huge changes in a person's life will make them realize these things; what's really important for their happiness; what they do and do not want.
She always told me, and wrote once, that what she really wanted was her love in her arms at night and her dog at her feet. Simple things, really. It was all I wanted, too.

And we had that. Then she took it away. She decided first that I didn't want her.
When she realized that wasn't true, she decided she didn't want me.

I'm afraid that she will never realize or care. I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again. I'm afraid her career, power, and all the choices around her will overwhelm her and she'll start lying to herself again.

I'm afraid she'll settle. She'll start searching what whatever it is she's looking for. I'm afraid she'll never realize that she already found it.
It was me. I'm still here.

I hope we both survive this long enough for her to realize it.

I'm here.
I Love You.

The Only Thing Missing Is You

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was you...

It's a Saturday. This is the day you used to be home, remember?
And the weather is perfect; it's *our* weather; forecasting rain storms all day and into the night.
It's a perfect day for staying cuddled up and enjoying the thunder and lightening.
We used to sit on the front porch swing under a blanket and watch the storms.
We even went storm chasing once. God, I loved that.
Remember?

Things have truly not been so good with me, hon. I keep trying, but this faking it 'til I make it thing is going absolutely nowhere with me. I know you want me to drop off the face of the earth. I'm sorry..I keep trying.

I went to my sister's studio last night for Second Friday. They do a music night and everyone brings whatever instrument they play. I brought my guitar, but even that I don't care about so much anymore. Didn't play it much. It spent most of the evening lying in it's case or was occasionally played by a couple other people.

I spent most of the night with a splitting headache and sitting in a drum circle, pounding on a drum. But it was fun. It was ok.
My sister would glance at me from time to time with this big smile on her face and this sadness behind her eyes because she knows the pain I'm in.
She's trying to help keep me afloat. Bless her heart. Don't know what I'd do without her..

Tonight they are giving a show at a local coffee house. Of course it is mandatory that I make it to that. And I'll be there.
She has given me their entire schedule and has told me that I must be at every event even if I just sit there and sip my water. I promised her I would.

So that's been my thing this weekend for Friday and Saturday night. Don't know what I'll do on Sunday. I really miss you on Sundays. Those are the worst because I know it's your only day off...and you are home...and I keep praying there is no one there to share it with you. Is that mean of me?

The day will come when you're off the Chantax and you'll be able to think clearly again. I'm waiting for that day. You'll be ok. You'll realize how crazy this has all been. You'll come back. I know you will.

No one fights for true love anymore and that's a very sad sad thing. No one believes in it; they just start up with someone else.
And if someone does fight for true love; holds on to it; they are perceived as delusional, obsessed, crazy.

Well, my love, I am not crazy. You know it and I know it.
No matter what everyone else around us thinks, you know I'm not crazy.
And so, I will continue to hold on to this. You are supposed to be off the Chantax the end of this month. And I imagine it will take a week or two for all of it to leave your system.

I just hope and pray that your ego won't stop you from contacting me. You promised you would. So I will wait.
I will wait for that just like I'm waiting for this rain storm that's coming in. The windows are open; I can hear the thunder, see the lightening. Yes. The only thing missing

is you...
I Love You

I'm The Only One..

For you.
I would walk across a fire for you.

Tell Her I Love Her....

It's hard to describe, really. It's not getting any better. Not at all.
Why is it so easy for people to believe, "she's delusional; she's obsessed; she's crazy." I mean, why is it so hard to believe that I'm fighting for love?
Why is it so easy for everyone to believe the negative? Does no one fight for love anymore?
No one??
I met the one person I'd been searching for all my life; someone who gets me; someone who loves me for who I am. And I met her. It was too good to be true. I thought I'd missed my chance. But there she was.
Evidently, it was too good to be true. Because she's through with me
At least, she says she is.
I don't think she is...
People keep telling me I need to stop holding on. I need to stop hoping.
Hoping that she will realize what a mistake she's made and contact me; come back to me.
Come back.
I know they are right, but I can't make myself do it. It's impossible. And time isn't making it better. It's getting worse.
How in the hell do I explain that to her without her threatening a protection order? How??
I don't understand. She is The One. She used to tell me, herself, that I am The One.
How can all that change in the blink of an eye? How?
One week, she's talking to me about her aunt dying....
The next week, her aunt is gone and she's talking to me about going to the memorial....
The next week, she's threatening me with a protection order if I don't leave her alone....
For a year and a half, we've been talking. Figuring things out. Telling each other, "I Love You."
And now...
Now....
It's over.
And it's easy for people to think I'm crazy.
It's easy for them because they only know what she wants them to know.
And I'm left looking--and feeling--like a fool...

Shell Shocked

I feel like I need to write something.
I sit down and face the screen; my fingers are moving and I don't know what to say.
But I will try.
It's time I talked...

Here goes nuthin.

I just got back from having coffee with a friend. I'm trying to make friends again and I have one so far. Pretty big accomplishment for me.
I've been on sort of a mental hiatus for the past 72 hours. My friend referred to me as "shell shocked", and I do believe it's probably pretty accurate at this point.

I mean, I've been feeling kind of..numb..these last three days. Sunday. Monday. Tuesday.
Perhaps the fact that I haven't eaten in that time has something to do with it, as well. I've heard that prophets and great seers fast in order to have visions. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I don't know.
I just feel numb. Shell shocked. Best way to describe it..

I don't know what great words of wisdom I have to share. None, really. Only, that life is truly not fair.
No one plays by the rules, and the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how.
That's what my friend said to me tonight as we drank our coffee and watched the people go by, "..the trick is to just get through it the best way you know how."
How true that is.

I don't feel anger anymore. No panic. No fear. No sadness. I feel nothing.
The only knowledge I've come to realize is that..it's over. It's just over. Done.

She was cold and cruel and heartless by letting me hang on for a year and a half. This is true.
She was selfish when her aunt was dying a few weeks ago and she reached out to me. She invited me to her aunt's memorial when she passed away. I declined the offer.

I told her that in the almost five years we'd known each other, I'd only seen her parents and one of her sons, twice. And that was when we first met.

I asked her how she would introduce me to all these "strangers" when they asked who I was.
And she was silent.
That was my answer right there, although I didn't know it at the time..or refused to know it.

Needless to say, I ended up not going to the memorial. I don't even know when it was..last weekend..this weekend. No idea. And I suppose that's for the best.

What I'm doing right now, I guess, is knowing; not feeling. I think there's a difference. There seems to be, anyway.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I suppose this could be considered a small break down of sorts. I 'spose.
But I have my pets to take care of and a new job to find, I keep taking my meds, I've made one new friend, so maybe that's what keeps me going.
I don't know.

I don't know much at the  moment.
I'll let you know if I do...

Thanks for reading. Have a good night.
~BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

Have You Ever....

Have you ever had one of those days--that turns into one of those nights--?
You know...

One of those times when you just want to close the windows, shut the doors, unplug the phone and just shut out the world for a while, close yourself off from the world, and NOT end your life?
Yea.
That.
I'm having one of those.

If it weren't, in fact, true that in the span of four short days a little while back,
my truck broke down,
my girlfriend very unceremoniously dumped me in a text (and she told ME to act like AN ADULT) (good God)),
and I lost my job,
it would make a good country song.
But it's not a country song.
It's Real Life.

And right now, Real Life is more than I can bear.
Not "almost" more than I can bear, but actually more than I can bear at the moment.
If not for the matter of the girlfriend (I can't call her "ex" yet..) dumping me, like she's a teenager, in a text....A five-year relationship ended with a cellphone text....and then telling me I was the one who should act like an adult.....well, if not for that, I'd be ok.
But, there is that.
And I'm not ok.

So..
I will close the blinds, turn off the outside lights, turn off my phone, go offline, take my prescribed amount of medication, and lose myself in a good movie, or two, or ten, like she used to do before she replaced me.

And, for a change, not attempt to off myself.
I suck at it anyway.
Failure at that just like everything else...

Game Over for a while, guys.
Later.

I'm Done

I'm just done for now.
I hope you and your new girlfriend are very very happy.
She looks very pretty.
And much younger than me.
Good job there.

Serendipity vs. Fate

Serendipity:
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.

Fate:
1. something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.
2. the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed;
the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.
3. that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.
4. a prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.
5. death, destruction, or ruin.

*****
 
The year is 1983. I was with my first partner.
 
She had a tattoo and I wanted one, too. So we went to the local tattoo shop.
I got my tattoo. My very first one.
As we were leaving, there was a girl and an older woman standing there, waiting.
The girl was about 17. All I could do was stare at her.
She was thin, had a tiny little spaghetti-strap top on, long brown hair,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I'd remember her.
Forever.
 
The year is 2007. Twenty-four years have passed.
 
I started writing to a smart, interesting, intelligent woman I'd met online.
We decided to meet. She walked through the door of a local bar we'd chosen,--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
I wanted to look into them
Forever.
 
I used to think it was serendipity that we met again; that it was something good.
But instead, it was fate.
And fate isn't always a good thing.
 
The year is 2010. Three years have passed.
 
She stayed with me for those three years and kept me hanging on for another year and a half after that.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life.
walk out the door.
Forever.
 
The year is 2012. Two more years have passed.
 
She never returned to me, although she promised she would.
She is with someone else. Anyone else.
As long as it isn't me, I suppose.--
And I saw the most piercing blue eyes I'd ever seen in my life,
every time I closed mine.
Forever.

The Reason I Blog

I've been spending some time this evening going over my blogs of the last several days; all the things about the break up--if you can call it that. If you ask me, breaking up in a text is just, well, gutless. Cowardly. Immature. Stone Cold..

My rise from the ashes; my struggle to survive; to find the strength to go on.
Like a Phoenix. These are the things I've been dealing with this past week or ten days..

It's amazing what we can do with technology these days, isn't it?
We can communicate with people all over the world in the blink of an eye.
But we still can't get along. We still fight. We are still stubborn.
We still break up and end relationships for what, in my opinion, are stupid reasons. Sorry.
But I just think we've been educated way beyond our ability to handle it.
Maybe we'll never figure it out.

Am I as "ok" as I sound? Well, no. Not really. But I suspect I won't be for quite some time.
I keep to myself quite a bit, but as you can see from my more recent blogs, I'm trying to get out of the house more; be with people.

Albeit, I've been a little, um...grey...today. It's all good. I talked myself out of this latest slump. I won't fall again. I can't afford to. I may not have enough lives left to use up. Only God knows about that.

It's a little surreal, seeing your guts sprayed all over the Internet. But I put them there; no one but me.
I find it hard to imagine who would read this; I fight the urge to take them down, like I have so many of my past blogs.
But I don't this time. I'm leaving them up. Even if they still shock me when I read them. That's good. It means I've made progress.
And this brings me to the reason I do this; the reason I blog, write, journal.

First, I do this because I have to.
I have to get these things out of me or it will kill me. Quite literally.
These thoughts, these feelings, these emotions--they have to come out.
I've written all my life. I can't remember a time when I didn't. It's just the way I've learned to cope with the world.
With Real Life.

And secondly, there's someone out there who needs to see this. I know there's someone out there who's hurting and needs to know their pain doesn't go unnoticed; isn't different; not alone.
If only one person sees this and their life is different--changed--better, then it will be worth it.
And if not, well, then I at least got it out of me.
It's like the song by Anna Nalik, Just Breathe.

"2am and I'm still awake, writing a song.
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to."

I know a lot of what I write is pretty raw. But that's how I see things. Am I dramatic? I feel things very very deeply. I literally feel them. It's hard to explain...
And when I love, I love with my whole heart. No holding back. Or I don't love at all.

This last experience almost took me down. This is the hardest I've fought so far in my life to live...to survive.
The things I write are true and I can't apologize for telling the truth, because if it helps someone, if just one person sees themselves in these words, it will all have been worth it.

This is the reason I blog. This is why.
And now you know.
Thank you for following me.

Most Sincerely, BlackRabbit aka Elizabeth

It's All Ok. Really.

It hurts.
Bad.
But this, too, shall pass....

As long as there is someone in the sky to protect me,
there is no one on earth who could break me.

I am stronger than this thing that has a grip on me.
I will shake it off and become stronger and better because of it.
I will become stronger.
I will become more wary.
I will not trust so easily as before.
I will be no one's fool
ever again.

And.

I.
Will.
Not.
Lie.
Down.

The Tree

5.
The tree is 5 years old now.
And after my last post about how time means nothing,
I am counting; keeping track.

I can't even take my own advice.
It was a volunteer. She wanted to plant it where it would grow.
She said we could keep track of the years together.

I was afraid it would keep track of the years apart.
But it's ok. It really is.
It's a nice tree.

Time. Distance.

I was listening to some music from "my time" today while messing around the house. This one caught my ear. Wanted to share.
You know, the time and the distance mean nothing. They are only futile attempts to measure something that can't be measured.
Love can't be measured, either. It can't be reasoned with.
It can't be bade to come and it can't be commanded to go.
It is felt with the heart.
It just is.
Time.
Distance.
These things mean nothing.
Because we are
Timeless....
I Love You

Rush, 2112 album
Came out in 1976. I was 15 years old....



Tears

All of the seasons and all of the days
All of the reasons why I've felt this way
So long...
So long

Then lost in that feeling I looked in your eyes
I noticed emotion and that you had cried
For me
I can see

What would touch me deeper...
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?

A lifetime of questions, tears on your cheek
I tasted the answers and my body was weak
For you
The truth...

What would touch me deeper...
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?

Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?

Happy Ostara! Beautiful Day!

I started the day by going to the Ostara Party thrown by my nephew and niece-in-law. They held it at the local park and it was an absolutely beautiful day!
Ostara is the celebration of the Spring Equinox -- the longest day of the year. It was actually on the 21st, but we held the party on Saturday. Turned out to be a perfect day for it.
I met a lot of people who's names I'll never remember, but that's ok.
We hid Ostara eggs for the kids and they had a great time finding them. Some of them we hid so well that the grown-ups couldn't find them.
We had the usual hot dogs, hamburgers, various salads and chips. I brought Nacho Cheese Doritos because you can never go wrong with Nacho Cheese Doritos.

I gave my sister a call to ask if she would be coming and turns out they were holding a fund raiser at her dance studio today and into the evening (She is a belly dancer). So....

Naturally, I have to go hit the fund raiser, right? I mean, all that music, more food, and beautiful belly dancers decked out to the nines.
I met some new people and saw some I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was nice. It's been too long since I've done anything like that. I've turned into one of those people you see walking down the street carrying on an entire conversation with themselves.
And that has to stop.
Like, now.
Some random guy hears the drums and wanders in off the street and sits down and starts playing the drums, too. It was a little nuts. And he was kinda good.
He drank a glass of wine and just wandered back out again. (I was drinking water all night. Well hydrated, I am. LOL).
Later into the evening we light the fire pit and move the party outside. It was such a beautiful night, how could we not?
One of the guests pointed out Jupiter, Mars, and Venus. And the moon was just a little sliver tonight; you could see the dark side. I love that.
So we're all enjoying the fire and the stars and the conversation and the random guy shows back up with four of his buddies.
I take one look at the guy with the dreadlocks and we point at each other. I said, "I know you. You're the guy who used to sell me cigarettes years ago."
I know, I know. Smoking is a nasty habit and I need to stop. But it was good to see him again, anyway. And I even remembered his name. I never remember names.
I used to call him Captain Jack Sparrow because he's a dead ringer (but Johnny Depp is much better looking). So for the rest of the night, he was "Sparrow". And he says he's the real deal. I believe him. Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Around 10:30pm we start wrapping up, people are leaving, and I help my sister close up shop. All in all, it was a really great day.
I was able to experience a lot of different people today; some new ones and some I already knew. There was laughter and music and tons of food and little kids running around...it was nice. Just really really nice.
Thank you, God for letting me wake up today. I would have hated to have missed it.

On Forgiveness....

Just something I wanted to share. It's time to change my attitude.
I've been angry long enough.
It only hurts me. It does nothing to her.
So, no more angry bitter hatred.

She did me a favor.
She wasn't the one for me.
But it sure was fun while it lasted.

I hope she finds what she's looking for.
I hope I do, too.

Bitter

I spend too much time being bitter.
It's unattractive.
Very.

The Only Way To Go From Here Is Up (Bucket List)

I need to start a bucket list. I really really to. I need to start listing all the things I want to do, but never have done.

And like me, this will be a work in progress. I'll add things from time to time.

1. Clean up this house! Get it looking that way it used to; the way I liked it.

2. Start going to church with my cousin more often.

3. Move to Nevada.

4. Mend fences with my son's girlfriend.

5. Mend fences with my son.

6. Spend more time outside walking, hiking, gardening.

7. Spend time with my step-dad. At least once a week.

8. Make a point of helping at least one stranger a day.

9. Plant a garden this year.

10. Go to the Ostara Festival TODAY at the park and have a BLAST! (Done!)

11. Find THE ONE.

In The Blink Of A Text

Friday, March 16, 2012

Me: How are you?

Her: Leave me alone. do not continue to try and make contact.

Me: Why are you doing this? baby, i love you...

Her: We are done. stop this now. it will not change. get past it. do not harass me.

Me: Who is she?

Her: Leave me the fuck alone or i will call and file a restraining order. act like an adult. Relationships fail.

Her: If u want me to get a restraining order i will. the choice is yours on if you keep harassing me.

Me: [Name], I didn't respond after last text. Why did you respond twice? i didnt text back.

Her: Any more attempts at contact will result in me filing for a restraining order.

*********
Two weeks prior to this she was confiding in me regarding her aunt's death and wanted me to go to the memorial...
Last Sunday, I get a text saying "it's over" out of the blue. No explanation.
Now, on Friday, I received the conversation posted here. Not even a voice on the phone. Only a text.

She kept me hanging on for a year and a half.
She made me believe things would be ok.
All the while, she was searching for someone new.
Another lover.
To take my place.
Because.

Because I'm not special. Not to anyone.
Never have been. Never will be.

"Make believing we're together; that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in the night time, I turn to water like a teardrop in your palm...."

No need for a restraining order. I'll be dead by the time you file it.
That is, unless I fail again, which seems to be my track record.
I love you....

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men

My views continue to compile, but no comments. This means one of two things.
They are either follows i.e. members reading and at a loss for words or its you, the anonymous follower, checking up on me, making sure I'm saying nothing offensive and/or enjoying watching my public pain on the Internet.

If its the latter, I hope you enjoy your day today. Its your day off, the weather is beautiful, you should be up by now, and you've got plans, I'm sure, for you and that new special woman in your life. Nice.

Ok. That unpleasant task is out of the way.

As far as yesterday's "master plan", I did get the laundry done. Dishes are still starring me in the face and, no, no dog-washing happened yesterday. Today might me a good day for that. Getting motivated to do that will prove the hard part.

The house is opened up; there's a wonderful breeze blowing though, my medication is safe inside me, hopefully preparing to do its work, as soon I'll be interested in stepping out the door. There's a lot to get done today that I blew off yesterday.

Aside from making sure I have clean clothes for this week, I spent the larger part of the day reading. And not the usual self-improvement or spiritual books I spend too much time with.
No, lately I'm reading novels again, just like back in the day -- and loving it. I've got a long reading list compiled.

I also did a jig saw puzzle last night; finished the whole thing and covered in it Modge Podge. Remember we we used to do that? I've got a whole pile of puzzles downstairs that we did. Remember how where where going to frame them and hang them up down there so the place would look more homey? That didn't happen, either, did it?

When I'm not doing that, I'm crocheting. I have a beautiful baby blanket I made for a grandson I'll never meet finished. That was done some time ago, before he left the hospital.
I had been waiting until I saw her again so I could give it to her in person to give to him, but obviously, that day never came.
So now it sits in a box with a note explaining who its for and why I made it. Perhaps someday she will she it, perhaps not. Perhaps it will go to some other woman's baby or grand baby after the sting and rejection fades away. At any rate, it will sit there and wait.
I have another project, half finished, that was intended for her only granddaughter -- someone else I hoped to meet one day. That one, I will get to when I finish my current project. Same story on that one.

My current project, well, I'm really enjoying this one. Its for me, I think. Not sure on that one yet. Its made of the beautiful colors that I like, but that I also hope someone else will like.
It was intended for you, but since your highly mature dumping me out of the blue in text last Sunday, I'm not so sure about that now.
Maybe it will remain mine, maybe it will not. Most likely, the former.

For the moment, I will drink my coffee, finish this blog, and sit back to watch the views go up, and wonder if one of them is you.
I hope you have a wonderful day. I'm sure she's very smitten with you. You've got a lot of charm when you want to, and always get what you want.
I hope you get what you want form this one, too, before she dumps you or you get bored, see someone else, and dump her first.
Its just the truth. I know how you role. And sooner or later your pride, arrogance, and your false sense of self-importance will catch up with you.
Its not that they aren't good enough for you, my love; its that your not good enough for them.
And sooner or later you'll have to drop the act, because you can't keep running from who you really are forever.
And when you do, I will be there. I will always be there. Waiting for you.

Pressing On In Real Life

Last night wasn't as bad as I'd feared. But it wasn't what I'd call good, either.
I messed around on the computer quite a while, watched some TV with the dogs, and was in bed by midnight. Not the most wild Friday night.

I woke up at seven this morning; a little surprised, but when I thought about it had been seven hours and that's my average need for sleep, I thought "what the heck" and got up.

I started the coffee, let the dogs out, and sat down at the computer. But not before I was sure to take my meds. I'm absolutely needing that crutch right now. Maybe more than ever.

Everyone's been writing some interesting blogs, lately. I've been reading many of them. Right now, my biggest concern is learning how to get over this being blind sided. I didn't see it coming. And there seem to be blogs out there that pertain to staying positive and looking for the good. I guess I need that sort of thing right now.

Well actually, maybe I did see it coming, but I won't go into all that right now. Too much to think about. It just bothers the hell out of me that all this went down in texts -- not even a voice on the phone. And just two weeks prior to this she was confiding in me about her aunt's recent death and wanted me to come to her memorial.

I opted out because I realized in the more than four years we'd been together, I really hadn't seen any of her family more than twice. And that was when we first met.

So I didn't think I'd be too welcome and people would be uncomfortable. Besides, she has a new, and I'm sure "presentable" girlfriend to take now. But I digress..

My plan today is to get the laundry done, like any other Saturday. And do the dishes. Clean up a little, tend to the bunny cages (I have 7 bunnies) and show them a little attention.

My biggest goal -- and this will be some fun -- is to give all three dogs a bath today. Which shouldn't be too big of a deal since they are all small; chihuahuas. Thank God I don't have German shepherds. :)

Grocery shopping is pretty much done and the gas tank is filled up. So if I don't have a mind to, I don't need to go anywhere this weekend.

I picked up my new glasses yesterday after work and am trying to get used to them. Its a lot stronger prescription than I had before and these are tri-focals, as opposed to the bi-focals I've had for years.

The middle one is supposed to let me work at the computer without looking over the top of my glasses but I'm getting quite the crick in my neck from that, so I'll have to see how it goes. I can always go back to bi-focals and look over the top again. I've got 90 days.

And so that's my master plan for today. I haven't figured out yet what I will do tomorrow. But that's tomorrow; its not here yet so why worry about it. A lot can change in one day. I found out about that yesterday.

Lord have mercy, The Ides Of March really knocked me for a loop this year. But I suppose it just means that God has new things in store for me. I've turned everything over to Him, so I'll be interested to see what plans unfold.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I know there will still be some dark dark days to come. And karma has a way of evening things out.

Her arrogance and pride will be her undoing. She'll crash and burn. Again and again and again.
And in thinking back, I was too damn good for her.
And I can do better.

Why...

Why do I feel like she's still here?
Even though I know she's with her.
Why?
It was supposed to be me...

Playing With Fire

I don't know who I am anymore.

For the past year and a half, I've been fighting for something I thought still exists, only to learn in the end that I was kept holding on until she could find someone else. These were my worst fears.

I knew this is what she would do to me. I knew it in my heart.
And I knew it in a way that I can't explain to the average person.

I saw little fleeting glimpses of it in small moments of clarity that would flash the future behind my eyes like a movie and then be gone..
I don't know how to explain it but she would know what I mean.

I'd try to fight these things; these moments of clarity. But it makes no difference. The situation unfolds the same. They have my whole life.

The harder I fight against what I know will happen anyway, the worse it is. But giving in to what I already know will be is like giving up too soon.
I keep feeling that if I can see the future, then why can't I change it? What is the point in seeing it if I can't change it?
What the hell is the point??

Its not a gift, its a curse, this thing that I do. I've fought all my life to control it, but to no avail. I've tried everything; drinking, drugs, all just to dull the edge; quiet the knowing; numb the pain. But nothing helps.

She is the only person who could do, truly do, what I can do. She is the only person who believed me and didn't look at me like I was some kind of freak or off the edge because I thought I could.
She didn't look at me like I was psychotic. Everyone else does.

I wonder once in a while if some of the people walking this earth who are classified as depressed, psychotic, or hear voices are really not sick at all.
I wonder if they just don't have abilities that western science doesn't understand; won't accept.
Or they won't accept, themselves.
Easier to throw a pill at it and numb it out. But, the thing is, that just doesn't work.

I can recount thousands of events in my life when I was spot on with things that happened, situations that have gone down, things I've known without any logical reason for knowing. All the way down to telling my mom to answer the phone before it rang. That used to drive her crazy.

I've been accused of planting ideas in peoples' minds by telling them what I knew or reading their cards.
I've been called a trouble maker, a freak, and yes, I've been considered unstable by a lot of people.

No one understands what its like to walk into a room and hear what everyone is thinking. No one believes me.
It is assumed that I am "paranoid and give people too much credit".
Easier to explain away like that.

She is the only person I've met who believes me. She can do these things, too, and I've seen her do them. When we were together, we were like a magnet. Our abilities were amplified a thousand percent. It is something I'll never forget.

But, today is Friday and I should be excited for the weekend. But for what?
I have no one to share it with. And I should be sharing it with her.
But she's not here.
She's there.
And she's there with someone else.

And I keep hoping that I can hold out until she realizes her mistake.
I keep holding out while I can feel what she's doing fifty miles away.
I keep hoping she feels me, too, and hasn't blocked me out.

I keep holding on.
Because its all I can do.

To My Immortal

I feel like she's still here. With me. In my heart.
I've been thinking about her so much tonight since I got home. Missing her. Loving her. Wondering what she's doing right now.
I know she's at work. She used to call me every chance she got. It feels like yesterday, but it was a long long time ago. Years ago.
Yet, it feels like yesterday. It feels..right.
It gives me chills.
Is this what it feels like to go insane?

She told me on Sunday that its over. Finished. Done.
"I go my way and you go yours."
She's through with me. She's moved on. She's a different person.
But I can still feel her.
She's seeing someone else.

I have never dealt with this before.
The more time that passes, the harder it gets.
The more time that passes, the more I miss her.
Its not getting better. I'm trying but its not getting better.
Is this what it feels like to be in love; to need, really need your soul mate?

I can't accept this and I worry about what I will become.
The only thing that makes sense to me, the only thing that feels right, is thinking about her, loving her, and waiting for her to come back to me.
We could live somewhere else. Somewhere closer to where she lives.
She has her career. She has her family. Her grandchildren.
I thought they would be my grandchildren, too.
But they are not.

I haven't seen any of her family in years.
It will be five years we've been together (in my heart) this fall. September 1st.
And I haven't seen any of her family in almost that long. Why?
Now she is finished with me; doesn't want me anymore.
And her family didn't even know me. Five years.
I never really existed for any of them.
That is frightening.

Did she keep me away from them for a reason?
Was I being tested out? Tried on for size?
No. I don't think so. I think she really loves me. I think she always has.
I can't use the past-tense of the word because it doesn't feel right.
It feels wrong.

She's still here. Still here in my heart. And I can't let her go.
I know she will want me back.
I know that I know that I know she will want me back.
And all the reality around me; all the circumstances around me say,
"No. No she won't."

"It is finished. It is done. It is long since over."

But its not. I know its not. I believe its not. And I can't change.
I can feel her. I know she still loves me. I know she is lying when she says its over.
Because its not. Not for me.

This isn't drama.
This isn't obsession.
I'm dead serious.
Have I lost my mind?

To be unable to live in reality?
To withdraw and believe in a time that's long since past because the pain of the reality is so intense?
So crippling?
Is this what it feels like to lose your mind?

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't remember things that I should remember. It makes my job more difficult than it should be because I know how to do my job.
But I have to be careful. I have to keep my shit together when I'm there. Make sure I take my meds in the morning and again at lunch to keep myself somewhat level.
I'm not permanent there. I'm only a temp and can be let go at any time for any reason. I'm not safe.

These are the Ides Of March. Tonght. March 15th. These are the Ides Of March.
And if I really am not of my right mind anymore, what am I really capable of?

Deceived

I don't think I'll ever get to the point where I actually do well with change. I like things to stay the same; predictable; dependable; safe.
I have learned there is no such thing as "safe" in this world. And if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
It probably, assuredly, most definitely is.

I'm going to have to reevaluate my entire system of beliefs to qualify trust in another human being.
Again.
Going by my track record and most recent experience it looks like I still haven't learned a thing.
I'm still going all-in and relying on blind trust.
I'm still making bad choices in the people I'm with.
I'm still getting taken. Ripped off. Robbed.

And this time was bad.
Really bad.
No more.

And I must learn how to do this -- this trust thing -- without becoming bitter.
Without making the next person I choose to trust "pay" for the last one.
In order to do that, I need to forgive myself for being taken in again.
I need to forgive myself for being foolish; for taking someone at their word.
Very very few people are good for their word.
Most of them lie.
Most of them get away with it. But not all.

I'm trying to not make this whole experience dark. I'm trying to not make it all negative.
There's a real lesson to be learned here. I'm sure of it.
At this point, the pain is so raw that I'm wishing it hadn't cost me so much.
Seems hardly worth the price now.

I'll expand on these thoughts further later. Maybe. We'll see.
Deceived.

PS ~
Thank God, only 280 days left until the end of the world.
I don't think I could take much more....

Here's Your Sign...

Thunder and Lightening

There's a storm tonight. A thunder storm. I could hear it from inside the house.
I stepped outside on the front porch to hear the thunder better and was greeted with the most amazing light show.
And we have a thunder storm. And a tornado watch. In late February. Here. In Nebraska. Not too surprising for us. The weather has always had a mind of its own here.
I stood on the porch and enjoyed the storm. And missed someone to share it with. I haven't met too many people in this world who really love a good thunder storm. And I miss the one who used to enjoy them with me.
I miss a lot of things. But mostly, its the little things I miss the most. Watching storms together and feeling the goose bumps when the lightening would flash and the thunder would roar. Holding each other and smiling.
Beautiful storm. Beautiful night. Makes me happy but makes me sad. Something important to me is missing.
Yea. I miss that.

I Used To Rule The World....

I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word.
Now, in the morning I sleep alone; sweep the streets I used to own.
I used to roll the dice; feel the fear in my enemies' eyes, listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead. Long live the king."

One minute I held the key; next, the walls were closed on me.
And I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing. Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword, and shield; my missionaries in a foreign field".
For some reason I can't explain, once you know, there was never, never an honest word.
But that was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums, people could not believe what I'd become..
Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate.
Just a puppet on a lonely string. Oh, who would ever want to be king?

For some reason I can't explain, I know Saint Peter won't call my name.
Never an honest word.
But that was when I ruled the world....

**Another Quote**

"Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience."
~ Henry David Thoreau

**A Quote**

"The things you do when no one is looking is what defines you."

I rather like that. :)

An Omen

I park on the top level of the parking garage near where I work downtown.
This morning, as I'm going up the ramp and rounding the corner, I come upon a peregrine falcon with his back to me and his wings out like he's covering something.
As I draw nearer with the truck he takes off and under him was a pigeon.
He was getting reading to eat the pigeon.
The falcon takes off and the pigeon takes off. Uneaten. Thanks to me. Showing up at the right (or wrong) time.
My question is this: What does this mean? What is the message here?
Am I the falcon or the pigeon?
I believe everything happens for a reason; everything means something; nothing is an accident. And I wasn't feeling so good when I got up today to begin with. Coming up on wildlife getting ready to have breakfast was not what I was expecting this morning.
But I saw it for a reason. Its an omen of something. Just not sure how to interpret it yet.

Real Life Break

I won't be writing very often anymore for a while.
I've watched a lot of dumb love stories lately, but that scene toward the end of that movie really got itself burned into my memory. I'll never forget it. That's actually kinda funny when you consider I usually can't remember what I ate for dinner the day before.
But it felt like that scene, that line, was written for me.

I need another break from this real life thing. There are some days I almost want to take a break from the whole thing. (I said almost).
And for that reason, the days--really, the nights--that I cry from the moment I get home until the time I go to bed, I should just back off this writing thing for a while. The whole crying thing and the lump in my throat and stomach should have been gone a long time ago; months and months ago.
But they're not. So I need to re-group.

I've always listened to my gut and its never gone me wrong. Its always been a lot smarter than my head.
And anytime I've ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I wind up in trouble. I wind up in an emotional situation like this.
Its time to start listening to my gut again.

On the upside, at least there won't be senseless depressing things to read anymore. At least for a while.
I hope next time something new pops up here, it will make someone--anyone--smile.

Reality And Memories

Work went ok today. I think things will go well there. Maybe I can even find an open position somewhere in the department before July. One can only hope.

I made friends with a secretary downstairs that handles the parking for the building and managed to get a spot at an unheard of monthly rate for State employees. I told her I was only a temp and she said, didn't matter. I wasn't about to argue. (Its right across the street).

We spent quite a while talking about the building, itself, and the memories of the place.
It was built in 1913 (I believe). When it was repurchased in 1985, the new owner had the carpet torn out to reveal the original marble floors and spent the time and money to have the original woodwork redone.

They even managed a way to keep the old mail chutes running. Remember those? My mom would slap my hand because I loved to open them up (I could barely reach) and feel the breeze blowing. Believe me, it was worth getting my hand slapped.

It was nice talking to someone else who remembered, really remembered being downtown when it was still downtown. We talked about the businesses that were there and the ones that are gone now..

After a bit I realized I'd been gone longer than I had planned and headed back upstairs. Up the marble and wood stairs. I love those stairs.
The elevators still have the original buttons in them. They are in surprisingly good shape. Don't know how they managed that.

And before I knew it, it was 5:00pm and time to go home. After the initial rush of relief of having the workday over (which lasts about two minutes), I'm driving home from work, like always, and my heart just...sinks, like always. I realize.

There's no one to come home to. No one to wait for who will be home soon. No one. Just..no one. And there won't be. That's something I'll never get used to again.

It reminds me of a scene from a movie that I saw.
Its near the end, but that one scene just sums up everything that I've tried to say, wanted to say, for so so long and just never found the right words.

It goes something like, "I didn't want what I didn't know I didn't have. I had a good life. I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was and now I'm acutely aware of how unhappy I was. Thank you for that!"

It was something like that.
But it just figures, in that moment in time, that precise moment. It was probably a month ago already, but I remember it like yesterday.

Sitting there on the sofa, me and my dogs, crocheting, watching a stupid move. How sad. But I remember thinking, yes. Yes...YES!! That's exactly it. That's exactly what I've been trying to convey all this time. Some English major, hu?

And no matter how hard I try, I just can't go back to being blissfully unaware anymore. I just can't make it happen.
This isn't a self-induced prison, nothing could be more wrong. Its beyond my "self".
I keep waiting for the day to come when it doesn't matter anymore; doesn't bother me; doesn't occur to me; I don't care.
The more time that goes by, the more days that string up, they don't make the burden -- the feeling -- lighter. It grows heavier. And this haunts me.

If this isn't understood, I don't know how to make it any more plain than that.
I don't know which is worse. Knowing you've missed the love of your life and may never have them back again, and not being able to move an inch except for faking it when you have to.
Or knowing you were with someone you really loved, made plans with, made promises of getting old, and then being able to just move on from that.

I know what the latter is like. I've been there. I've done that. I've gotten past these things before.
But that's what is haunting me.
Why was I able to do that then? Why am I not able to do that now?

More Changes

Found a new job in record time. It's another temp position but will last for 6 months. Hopefully, that will give me long enough to have my foot in the door to apply for something internal when it comes up.
At any rate, I'll be working for the next six months and the pay is (almost) enough. Just won't be able to change the lifestyle much.

Still working on being happy by myself like a single person. Thing is, I don't feel like a single person. I still miss that voice to talk to before I go to sleep at night. I'm worried about not missing that anymore..

My hours will be much different than hers. I'll be working days and by the time I need to go to bed she will just be getting home; while I'm getting ready and heading off to work, she'll still be sound alseep.
I guess that will help.
But then, one must define the definition of "help".

So I'm outta here. First day of work. Then sun is just coming up and I should be home tonight before it goes down. That will be nice.

Sunday Thoughts

It's been one hell of a weekend.
I woke up a little tired this morning, but no more than usual. I've had a lot to think about in the past few days.

Friday, I got the call that they've laid us all off at a job I've only had for three months. So here I am, unemployed again, and looking for work in a town that has none. Back in the same boat.
I'd be lying to you if I said that didn't bother me a little. Or a lot.

Then, I spend the weekend dealing with some born-again nut job who decided to start writing to me at my personal email address.

He continued to poke fun at my blog "To Pray" and kept saying how he was going "through" his wife having brain cancer and he'd have to pray a lot to go "through" this.
Each time, putting quotes around the word "through" because I used that word a lot in my blog.
Insinuating that I had things to go "through", myself.
Really? Ya think??

It took a lot to not write back in his own language and ask him if maybe his wife's cancer wasn't the Lord testing him to see how he'd act in the valley when things weren't going so good as opposed to standing on the mountaintop when things were great.
But I didn't. I just banned him from my blog.
Poor devil. He must really be going through some crap right now to lash out at me like that. Anyway...

I decided that this Sunday was as good as any other Sunday, so I wrote myself a little sermon in The Wilderness.
Its a good thing that I'm not a preacher because I'd be calling a LOT of people out on a LOT of things.
I hate pharisees. Just hate 'em. Always have. There's a lot of them out there.

And on that note, I'll leave you with some food for thought --

Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because we are all fighting a battle.

Dreams

You called and we were talking and laughing and having a great time.
There was a softness to your voice.
I said I hadn't heard you sound this good in a long time and why you were in such a good mood.
Hearing my own voice prompted me to open my eyes.
And I realized.
I had been dreaming.
So I closed them again.
And cried myself back to sleep.

There Are Times...

There are times in Real Life that you just want to check out.
Times you just want to forget about the whole thing.

Oh, I'll be back. Don't worry about that.
I don't know whether that's a threat or a promise at this point.
But I'll be back.

For now, I'm checking out.
Mental vacation, so to speak.
Can't take anymore at this particular point.

I wish every one well out there.
I hope you all succeed in your goals.

But me, I'm outta here.

The hardest things to forget
Are the ones that never happened...

Text

A little thing like a text. Just a text saying, "why did you wake me up?" Can mean so much when you're running a fever and sicker than a dog and all alone.
It means someone cares. It means someone still loves you.
I love you.

Sicker Than A Dog

I am sick. This flu has me in its grip. Tried to go in yesterday and was sent home. I must really look bad.
My entire body aches, my head feels like it will explode. I'm in the bathroom all the time. I'm living off Theraflu and water, and sometimes ibuprofen and clear pop. That's about it. I don't have any Tylenol.
I can't afford this. I can't afford to miss work. But what else can I do.
I wish to God I had someone to hold me; someone here to take care of me.
Just so I wouldn't be alone through this.

Them And Us

Life can really throw you for a loop sometimes. Things can be going along great--or, at least you think they are--and without warning, everything can seemingly go to hell.
The thing is, there are no guarantees in this world. And that's what trips me up most of the time.

Dealing with people is not my strong suit. They are overcome with flaws, undependable, and disappointing. I often lose sight of the fact that I am the same way. I am human, too, and I expect others to understand that while I don't understand that about themselves. Rather a vicious circle, to be honest.

I spend the majority of my time alone. Partly, my decision; partly the decision of others. I don't seem to be the first choice of company or conversation. I'm viewed as toxic. And who's fault is that? As hard as it is to accept, its mine.

For a while now--months, actually--I've had the almost uncontrollable urge to leave. Just go. Get out. Move away. Disappear. Who would notice? Who would care? I've truly gotten to the point where I believe: no one.

My son has asked why. And my only answer to him is, "Come with me." I was not all that surprised after talking to him last night that his situation is not that dissimilar to mine. We live our lives parallel. Sometimes that's frightening. Sometimes its comforting.

We both had big blow ups with our "others" at the same time last night. I called him just as he was considering calling me. What are the odds? To some, this would seem coincidence. To us, this is common.

And we talked. And we cried. And we talked some more. So many of the same topics: relationship, money, lost, confused, approaching desperation. We both wanted to be left alone. We both wanted to talk. We reached a compromise. And somehow that I'm not sure about even this morning, we talked each other down from the edge of that cliff.

And here I am in the middle of the week. I'm going to work but, with every fiber of my being, I don't want to. I want to get in the car and drive. Just drive. To where, I'm not sure. West. Maybe west. West until there is no more cold, no more snow. West until it is hot. Just west. As far away from here and the pain, the failure, the disappointment, the defeat as I can get.

But will I actually do it? No. At least, not now. Not right now. There's no money. Not even enough to pay the bills. And I can't leave my son here. And strong as he is, as capable of survival on his own--as capable as I am--we are each other's rock. Neither of us will admit it to the other or to ourselves. But this fact remains painfully true.
Our lives are parallel. So how, how in the world, could I actually run away?

Wednesday

Feeling better today. Fever broke.
Back to work.
Still a little achy but going back unless they send me home.
This check will be a short one as it is.
And I need the money.
So here I go.

Real life, don't fail me now.

Sick

So now I have the flue, of all things. Nice.
It started hitting me at work around 5:30 last night and by 6:15 I was outta there. Wonderful.
Went home, took Theraful, passed out.
Today? Enitre body aches, headache, freezing to death and the heat is turned all the way up.
Tried to call in but got voice mail. Will try again later unless I get a call back.

Can I afford to take time off work? No.
Anyone around to go to the store and get more Theraflu? No.
Anyone know or care that I'm sick? No.
Call my son on his day off to help me out? Hell, no.

And that's it for my options.
The only thing left is to put myself together and go.
Real life sucks sometimes.

TGIMonday

Today is Monday and its back to work. Thank God. Something else to think about.
I'm hoping for another 40-hour week. Its after 10:30a and I haven't received a "no work" call as of yet, so that's a good sign. A lot of us are wondering when (not "if") that call will come....

Surrender

Nothing much to say on a Sunday night. This weekend has been a study in the human mind with too much time alone. You can really make yourself believe some weird things.
But the mind, itself, doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not.
It depends on external circumstances; what the eyes see, what the ears hear.
From there, it draws its conclusions.

*   *   *

"Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender."

The Power Of Now

Ego ~ When Two Worlds Colide

On the subject of "enlightenment" or living in the "Now", I find myself lost. I bounce between the two. My biggest question at the moment is how do I do this, let go, have peace, without the aid of medication. How do I do this without an artificial means. This is what I mean when I say that I don't know who I am. Which one is the "real" me?

And my biggest dilemma, why. Oh God, why can't I just let this go? Why do I feel patronized? And why, oh why, do I get blasted when I am foolish enough to express how I really feel? Why do I keep hoping for a different result? Why am I insane?

The following is another quote from the book I am reading. This is from the chapter I seem to be stuck on at the moment. I keep reading and re-reading, looking for what, I have no idea.

I only want my love back. I only want the warm, soft response I so desperately need. But it becomes more and more apparent with time that it is one-sided.
I don't need to be hit with logic at this time. I need to feel loved again. Really loved.

~ ~ ~

"But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface.
Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings.
This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack.
At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them as a cover-up for your pain."

"Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is always there anyway.
Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room.
But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too."

The Power Of Now
Eckhart Tolle

Human Touch

The power of human touch is just amazing.
It can give hope; it can heal; it can give comfort and connection; it can save a life.

Infants denied of touch become withdrawn, weak, and fail to thrive--the name of an actual medical condition: failure to thrive. Does the same hold true throughout life?

We have our children, we hold our grandchildren. We hold a parents' hand. We have friends, we have company. These are all things that are sometimes taken for granted. Some people have none of these. What happens to them?

The power of just a hug, a touch, can be like food to someone who is starving. Its something we don't usually think about. The same holds true for conversation, being close to someone, a friend. Connection with another human being. We are not built to be alone. We are social animals.

At some point logic and reason of circumstances are overtaken by isolation and withdrawal when the latter becomes a way of life.

On Days Like These

Today is one of those days.
One of those days when I wake up, thank God that I even woke up, and start my morning routine.
I wonder why these days even happen...

Its one of those days that I see everything with crystal clarity. I know what's real and what is not. I know what's true and what is false. I know what the situation really is and not what I pretend it to be. I know what's happening.

I don't fake it until make it on days like these. The blinders are off. I see things for what they really are.
On days like these I don't "fake it". I live in reality. In Now.

These days are thrown in here and there, seemingly on a random basis. Something happens, some event occurs and, boom. I wake up knowing. Just knowing.

Coming down from the full moon? Maybe. But isn't that finding some other cause? Blaming it on something else? A cop out? Could be. I hope so. I hope this is really me today. I haven't known myself too well for a long time. I've been away a lot. And when I do run into myself, we fight. Its a bit surreal whenever I come face to face with myself. I'm a little upset with me.

I've made a lot of dumb decisions, spur of the moment decisions. Rash decisions that have put me in the situation I'm in. I've broken the promises I made to myself. I've broken my own rules without thinking things through. I'm a little pissed off at me. Its an exhausting and very daunting task digging myself out of my own hole; the hole I dug for myself.

The wind is blowing hard outside today. Blowing hard and its cold; the clouds are moving in; its supposed to snow. And it echos the torrent inside me. I'm flung against the walls of the now-empty rooms inside my mind. And I fight the urge to recite the age-old mantra, if I knew then what I know now. But, I mean, really. Who doesn't do that occasionally?

Negative? Hell no, I'm not negative. Just pissed off at me today. But I'll take my meds and proceed into a drug-induced happy phase which will last as long as I remember to take them when I'm supposed to and not blow them off because I feel ok and think I don't need to. Jesus, I hate taking those pills.

I'm just insane, that's all. It's ok. I keep repeating the same patterns in my life over and over and over. And each time, I expect a different result. That's the definition of insanity.
And that's what I do.

I need to break out of this pattern. I did once, and it was good. The most significant success was no more meds. I didn't need them anymore. That's the day I'm shooting for again.
Until that time, I put one foot in front of the other; feet that feel as if they were made of lead. When I get tired, when it gets too much, on days like these I sit down and rest.
On days like these.

On Quitting

I've tried to stop smoking several times in my life. About 4, I guess.
The best and most luck I had was when I was pregnant with my son. Two months in, smoking a cigarette make made me sick. So I stopped.

I had no withdrawals, which was surprising to me, and had no desire to smoke. I went 13 months without a cigarette.
When he was six months old, I decided to give it a try again. That first one tasted awful.
I should have never started again, and for the past 26 years I haven't stopped, with the exception of a 4-month break during one last futile attempt through the assistance of hypnosis.

The person I was living with and I decided to stop smoking. They made it, I didn't. And for the rest of the time we lived together, I was banished to the deck outside if I wanted to practice my habit.

I've recently entertained the thought of quitting again. This has been an exercise in frustration, fear, and yes: withdrawal.
I play the game that if I just have one, all the jitters and panic will go away and I'll be fine.
And I am for a while. But then, the habit just kicks in and its like I didn't even try. So I give up for a while; think about trying again later..

I have my triggers: getting up, going to bed, getting in the truck, letting the dogs out, sitting in front of the computer, sitting in front of the TV, after I get out of the bath.
So that's my 'list'. I could go on and on. Its been a part of my life for 41 years.

I never thought about a person being an actual trigger, though.
I'm on a 'list'.
And I wonder, even if I do manage to break this habit, will I still be on that list? Will I forever be connected to that habit?

Past experience has told me that, yes...yes, I will. But I need to remember that that was other times and other people. It wasn't Now. This could be different.
So, I just don't know.

And The Moon Is Full Tonight..

I've edited out several of my recent blogs for personal reasons.
They may show back up at a future date or they may not.

I have some self-healing to do at the moment; some 'soul searching', if you will.
Where this path will take me I have no way of knowing.
But it will be an odyssey. I just have that feeling about it.

Tonight, the moon is full and that's a lot of what is tearing me apart.
I feel and sense things more strongly at this time.
I know the truth more clearly.

People and things miles and miles away. I can feel them. Quite literally.
To this day, I don't understand why.
In the past, I've been laughed at, called a liar, called a fool because I can do these things.

Sometimes, I wish those accusations were true other than what is.
It is not a gift to sense these things; to feel them.
It is a curse.

Limits. I have them.

I've been thinking about this and how I'm going to approach it.
I wrote this last night. I decided to sleep on it.
Since its up here, I guess sleeping on it didn't change my mind.
I deleted some things; added a few. I tend to speak before I think at times, and that's something I'm putting an end to.

The past week, for me, has been an exercise in tolerance. Patience. Understanding. The whole "live and let live" thing.
And no, this isn't about "courage behind the keyboard". I'd say this to a person's face.
And I have. I have said it on more than one occasion.
People don't like that. They don't like hearing it.

Anymore, I pretty much just walk away from situations like this when in person. I walk away and shake my head.
Online, well, it's easier. I just make them *poof* disappear.

As I said, this has been a huge exercise in tolerance for me. I decided to give it a chance; give people a shot.
But there are still some things that make me uncomfortable.
Maybe I should be re-thinking some of the things I write. I know part of this is my responsibility.

You don't know me personally, so you don't really know where I'm coming from.
I stated things clearly without going into unnecessary detail in "Scuse Me" and I was hoping this would all turn out well. But even I have my limits.
So before anyone goes popping off at me, I suggest you go re-read that blog.

I have very strong views on bisexuals. Very.
However, its not my place to tell someone what I think about their lifestyle, because its THEIR lifestyle, not MINE.
I am gay. 100%.
No consideration given to any men. Ever.
No consideration given to any other women. Ever.
My heart is already spoken for.
And I'd tell someone to kiss my butt, in a heartbeat, if they ever assumed to tell me what they thought about MY lifestyle. And I have told people to kiss my butt and get a life.

But, that's not what I'm doing here. I'm trying to explain something. And I'm trying to do it nicely. That's a tremendous leap for me.
I know what I can and cannot tolerate. I didn't say "hate" and I didn't say "disapprove of".
I said tolerate.
Some things make me uncomfortable.
We all have our limits. You have them, too.

I also have very strong views on three-ways, swingers, and married couples/boyfriends and girlfriends who think they need a "third" to be complete.

My (ex)husband and I had a woman living with us for 4 years.
We had good times; we had bad times. It was a relationship. A weird, messed up and wrong relationship, for lack of a better word to use in public.
It ended in divorce and a one-way path to destruction.
And that's all the more detail you need.
Do I think it was a good idea? No.
Do I think it *added something* to our relationship? No.
Do I think it was a huge and twisted mistake? Yea.

I've never understood why people use the Internet in the way they do now. Just blows me away.
I don't understand what they expect to find when they advertise online for some things. A nice, wholesome, down-to-earth, decent woman is not going to go online to find a couple to have a "relationship" with.
But you will find about a million pervs. And then act shocked and disappointed when you do.

But I didn't say anything about three people living together. That would be between whomever the three consenting adults were. Not my life. Not my business.
I have no personal opinion on that regarding what others do. I only have accounts of my own experiences. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I just wouldn't suggest the Internet.

The same goes for bisexuals. I could go on for days about that. At this time, I choose not to. All it does is raise my blood pressure.
I have no idea how to even begin to approach the subject of the woman who blasted a reader about the reader's page.
But I can tell you this: I know exactly where she's coming from. Exactly. Been there. Been in that mind set.
Has anyone read her profile? She may have changed it by now. Or it may be just as it was when I read it last night.

We all have our breaking point. I've about reached mine.
I've really tried to be understanding; to be tolerant of other people's lifestyles. But if it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. And that would be my problem, not yours.

Between the lesbian blasting the bisexual, and then the bisexual actually thinking she could HELP the lesbian with a broken heart, and the first official blog from someone else, outlining their search for a "third", my brain just went *pop*.
That was it. I'd reached my limit.

There is a lot I could say about the first part of that last paragraph. But I won't. It would serve no purpose.
I'm long past those days. Long past. And its none of my business.
I have other things to occupy my time, like keeping my current job and saving my house.

It's not about drama. I handled a lot more drama than this when all I blogged about was politics. A lot more.
This isn't even drama. It's..it's something else.

I don't care what people do to themselves anymore. I no longer need validation to know who I am.
And I don't care what other people do. I don't have control over any of that.
But I do have control over what I read.
That's why I'm posting this.

Some of the things I've been reading over the past week have really made me uncomfortable. Last night was just the last straw.
I know I've bragged about how there will always be people who won't see eye-to-eye on your views. Maybe I'm one of those people.
Maybe I'm one of those people who can't discuss the latest topics that have come up without eventually saying something that will offend someone else, or just blow my top altogether.
So instead, I will bow out.

You have all day to respond or not respond in any way you choose.
Chances are, after the responses, I won't have quite so many followers.
It's not personal. It's not a dis. It's not an attack.
Everyone in the world is free to do what they feel is best and healthy for them.
So do I.
And I have my limits.